For those of you who, like me, are NMNK, there's a chance that the holidays will feel a bit more lonely than alone. There's nothing wrong with feeling lonely sometimes. Everyone does feel that once in a while if not a lot, as part of the human condition. It's a mystery, why we are here!
If you've been reading NMNK then you know that I don't think being NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS is always or should be lonely, but everyone's circumstances are different. For some those circumstances are brief, and for others it goes on.
I was recently reading about suicide, about mental and emotional conditions that require intervention or what is called "professional help." Apparently suicide has been the way out of an unhappy experience in life, especially for teens, YouTube "influencers," veterans, and so very many other people who just can't take their lives anymore, in increasing rates. Holidays, with the emphasis on family, friends - relationships, and merriment that can be and feel forced, makes it all more unbearable.
(In the past I wrote about what it was to show up at a relatives house for a Thanksgiving dinner only to find out that without my knowledge or permission a man who needed a wife had been asked to attend to meet me.)
Although this blog has always had the intent to share and tell others who are NMNK "You Are Not Alone," and although I know the statistics of those who are in the NMNK Lifestyle, are going up steadily,and so I feel there is overall more support for NMNK as a lifestyle CHOICE, I worry that a reader might be tackling loneliness all alone.
You see, I can only offer you the insight coming from experience, but I'm not posing as a professional when it comes to depression or any other mental state that might result in a person feeling so not understood, so discriminated against, so very alone in this life that that person also feels it's a life not worth living. (As well, I realize some people are at the end of their lives, in medical crisis, or do not want to go on in pain.)
Also, I do think that the whole psychology profession has become overblown and there are a whole lot of people in it seeking clients.
I was walking down the street to do some shopping a few months ago when I passed a homeless services building and encountered people outside it who were soliciting people to enter into a program they had government funding for. I said I was not interested and damn it, one of the men started with "We know there's a STIGMA attached to mental illness but all you have to do is go to therapy..." And I was thinking "I'm just walking by this place!" (Maybe they were not even attached to the nonprofit housed inside that building?) I kept walking. (I don't think every homeless person is mentally ill. I think the extreme cost of living has done a lot of people in.)
Three times in my life I've encouraged friends who were clearly moving into mental illness (or had been for a while) to give therapy a try, and in each case the person was insulted enough, or not good with being found out - even by someone who had stuck by them for years, that I was ghosted. (Did that hurt. Yes, though in two cases my accepting that they were ill gradually also helped me accept that they would not have me in their lives if I wasn't an enabler.)
Frankly, sometimes what a person needs is not a paid professional to listen to them rant their problems, but a good friend or two. Sometimes just having some places to go and things to do is enough to change the mood. Participation!
Being worthy of the NMNK label is a Choice for many, like me, but it is also by Fate. Some people really want to be married and/or have children and just cannot find a partner. For those of us who are perhaps "Old Fashioned" enough to think that relationships should happen "organically" rather than turn into desperate hunts, there is an acceptance of one's natural self being one that is not partnered.
There is plenty of advice out there about how to get partnered and it's not the topic of this blog but I just want to say I do understand what it is to not have life turn out as you might have planned. But then, plans change, don't they? (An old quote goes something like "We plan, God Laughs.") I recall years ago a friend who married and apparently found it was not to her liking within a year, but stayed in there, mocking me because the things I apparently said I wanted as a girl, things I had long forgotten, had changed.
As for having children, you know I strongly advocate that a person must understand the fact that children have many needs and deserve many things and it is up to the parents - not the government - to provide.
I've seen what happens when people who are not qualified to have and raise children have them and lived long enough to see what happens to that child as an adult.
Being able to self-examine and determine your life can be a difficult thing especially when you know in your deepest self that your choices go against the traditions. (I once had a friend who was near menopause, had not had a relationship in years, and who was just barely getting by financially who was still talking wanting to have a child some day. I had to think she was not facing reality.) If seeing your family during the holidays includes meeting up with people who clearly do not respect your choices, you might select to not go.
If you are prone to depression consider that Covid-19 restrictions and conditions in the world that you are part of but not in charge of are certainly a reason. So many activities we used to do or had options to participate in were closed down or gone into the "virtual" which is not at all the same as personal interactions. This past summer some of these places and events attempted to restart with very little attendance. I believe that getting out of the house and sometimes out of town for a couple days can be all it takes to move past a gloomy outlook.
However, I've also been forced to rethink some of the relationships I'd put time and energy as well as heart into, in the past. I realized that I'd kept relationships that were no longer worth that time, energy, and heart. And that some friends probably thought I was also not worth keeping. And also that I was not easily making new friends.
Did these relationships end in a confrontation or blow up? No, nothing that dramatic. In actuality, both political and religious incompatibility were impactful. Never have I found it more difficult to encounter people who are tolerant or moderate, able to have friendships with people who are not exactly birds of a feather. In friendship one seeks commonality.
It also has to do with having things in common and how much time a person has to spend. No doubt about it, those who are partnered seem to have less time for those who are not. Those who have children feel they have more in common with those who do also do. Having and raising children seems to take every bit of their time and energy so NMNK can be sidelined by them. (Or you may be invited into or kept into their lives to help them with childcare.)
This may surprise you, but I've been devoted to keeping friends who, I realized, had me in their lives only for a purpose. And sometimes the assumption that because a person is NMNK leads others to think that we have lots of time available to do things for them as part of that friendship.
If you find yourself alone and feeling down during the holidays consider this:
There is usually a lot of "pop up" volunteer work to do, that does not require testing, applications, interviews, or education. Sometimes their usual volunteers get busy elsewhere during the holidays so maybe it's time to roll up your sleeves at a food bank or help set up for an event at a senior living place or help pick citrus from neighborhood trees to be donated.
Consider attending public concerts and events.
Try a new coffee house and have a lively chat.
Take a walk in nature.
Don't forget to invite friends. Make that recipe you're known for!
Dine out alone!
Sister
