SPRING : FERTILITY IS IN : NMNK OUT : OMNK = ONCE MARRIED NO KIDS
The inability to have children when you want them is one of the unintentional causes for being a NMNK person, you could say it's FATE.
We're used to hearing about modern medical miracles and assume that because such things as invitro fertilization are possible that everyone has access (money / insurance) to receive these medical treatments and services. We hear about all the children who are in need of being adopted and we think that is something anyone with enough love and maturity to raise a child can do. Then we find out that it's usually expensive, at least if you want to adopt a baby, difficult, that you have to go to another country if you're older and older means 40ish! (Foster care options may be better for the NMNK's who want to nurture another human being into adulthood.)
I was thinking of an old friend of mine the other day, Lori. She was sure she didn't want children and her husband seemed to be OK with that. Then, seven years into their marriage, after they had acquired a home and had a healthy savings account, suddenly, she very much wanted children.
I've never had such a change of mind myself, but I wanted to be supportive of her.
Strangely, our friendship ended in part because she felt I was not sympathetic enough when their efforts to adopt were not successful. I admit I didn't really understand but I did try to and anything I said was probably more in error because she didn't want to hear it. I told her about someone I knew who adopted a child, about five at the time, a child who was then raised in typical family, without violence, had a lot of therapy anyway, and still turned into the kind of teenager that rages and physically abuses his own parents.
Lori, I'll call her, was not all that happy in her marriage. She was the wife who made much more than her husband, and who allowed him to continue in work that didn't support them. Personally I have nothing against one person being a stay at home mom or dad, or one person paying more or all of the bills.
One of the demands she made prior to trying for a baby was that he be the main breadwinner while she gave up her business. He managed to get a job due to connections that his father had, and so he was able to support them. However, Lori also didn't like the fact that he had to work overtime and she sometimes cooked dinner for them and he did a no- show. I told her that he probably could not be the only man at the office that went home to his wife. The man he worked for wanted to take the whole staff out a whole lot. I guess I felt she couldn't have it all her way, so the hell with the cold meatloaf and be happy she had a husband who could support them.
Some time after she withdrew her friendship, which hurt me, I found out that SHE HAD DIED. Now, if they had successfully adopted a child, that child might have suffered the loss of its adoptive mother. How much really was her husband into this adoption? Let's say that his BOSS even tried to help them get an attorney who would make their dreams of having a child come true.
Years later I realize that Lori was not happy in her life. I'm not putting her down for this. I'm just saying that was the case. She didn't want the life she had. She wanted ... more. And she didn't get it before she died.
Has her husband remarried? I don't think so. At least I haven't found him on the Internet posing with a new wife or new woman. OMNK = Once Married No Kids?
- Sister
(First published March 27, 2012)
