SENIORS WHO GAVE THEIR CHILDREN "EVERYTHING" and STILL DO NOT GET VISITS

I was talking to someone about this the other day and they said, "Sister, you do not know what the relationships were like. Maybe these parents abused their children and don't deserve a relationship."  He had a point, but as a NMNK I have looked in on a few seniors in my neighborhood who went to live in Assisted Living.  I looked in on people who

NEVER MARRIED OR HAD KIDS

Had children who were disabled and were in some way not capable.

Had children who hated them; sometimes the reasons were questionable.  Such as the woman whose daughter hated her because she also had a son who was ill and needed her attention much more.

Had children who were given cars, college educations, and help financing starter homes, but who still rarely visited their parents.

That the children were "too busy" or "have their own life," were the reasons given.

I just thought that maybe these children were only too glad they didn't have to take time off from their jobs or careers or their travel or whatever because their parents were in what was considered a safe place.

However even the so called "exclusive" building was not a great. For instance, at one place they had chicken almost every night for dinner, there was theft going on and it was probably staff blaming residents, and I walked in on an employee having a very long personal phone conversation who let the front desk - and taking calls from residents go without attendance.

I'm meeting more only children who have the full responsibility for BOTH parents as they age now.

One woman has parents who divorced, a mom with memory loss, who are in two different places.  She is NMNK and burdened with this unshared responsibility though she is intelligent, educated, and loves her parents.

Without judgement on what sort of relationship a parent has with their children,  I can say that HAVING CHILDREN IS NO GUARANTEE THAT THEY WILL BE ALIVE, WELL, INTERESTED IN YOU, or THERE FOR YOU IN SICKNESS and in AGE.

HAVING CHILDREN ONLY BECAUSE YOU THINK SOMEONE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU GET OLD is NOT A REASON TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Sister

NMNK in 2023 REVIEW: ARE YOU NMNK BECAUSE OF FINANCIAL CONSIDERATIONS?

 Hello my friends, NMNK and otherwise.

This year I ...

Had to tell a man who has a daughter but otherwise has been divorced for years without any intent to remarry what NMNK means.  (It was funny because he thought maybe I was trying to tell him about my sexuality)  Never Married No Kids.

Met more people who are having trouble paying their rent (even when they have had several children who are NOT helping their parents).  I met divorced or unmarried persons who are stuck in inadequate housing... such as living in a room or living with one or more roommates rther than having their own apartment or home.

Was proposed to by a friend since he said, neither of us have ever married.  (But he had a ten year relationship with a woman he did not marry, who left the relationship to marry someone else.  I thought he was sincere but have no romantic or sexual interest in him.  I had to remind him that crushes don't last and that living together or getting married is serious.

Had a crush of my own - Yes it happens.  But I suppose the interest was not mutual because this man did not make a move. 

Met a NMNK man, who has had sex with a LOT of women but came closest to marriage with a ten year relationship that ended badly, tell me about how when he was 30 he ad his then girlfriend decided upon an abortion.  He said sometimes he thinks that he could have a child who would be 40 now, but that there is no way that he could have supported a child in his profession.  (Lot's of people work hard and cannot afford to bring a child into the word or raise it.)

Met a man, a senior who said that he is not willing to consider dating for two reasons.  One, he physically cannot have sex anymore, and secondly that if he married and it did not work out then he would loose his condo, which is basically his safety, security, and net worth.

ARE YOU NMNK BECAUSE OF FINANCIAL CONSIDERATIONS?

Sister

INTENTIONAL COMMUNITY

 

ALONE NOT LONELY

 

DUEX

 

DO NEVER MARRIED SINGLE WOMEN Attract Men FOR THE WRONG REASON ?

DO NEVER MARRIED SINGLE WOMEN Attract Men FOR THE WRONG REASON ?

One of my friends recently suggested to me that the great number of men who have been coming on to me - in various ways - over the last year and a half are doing so because word is out that I'm NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS! You see, she thinks I'm THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE YET. One of these men posed as my friend for months. One day he told me "All the guys figure that one day you are going to give in. Someone is going to get you. They figure they may as well try." Actually, that worried me. A competition for me? I suppose if a woman wants to be married she might find a way to exploit the competition. But I've never been that way and I don't trust people who only want you because it seems everyone does. Are there any men out there who would like to comment on this? 

Sister

(First published November 2, 2009)

BEING YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND...

 BEING YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND...

Have you ever had that terrible feeling at a wedding that you need to leave before the bride throws the bouquet - at you? (Men may feel this way about the garter being thrown at them!) It's happened to me. I was on my way out when the bride yelled my name and threw! How embarrassing. Especially because I had told this friend more than once that I had NO INTEREST IN GETTING MARRIED. Everyone in the place looked to find me! I suppose it's just silliness but for some it's superstition! And for some it's one of the many pagan - fertility enhancing - mini-rituals in the Western wedding tradition, along with throwing rice, confetti, popcorn, or bird seed at the bride and groom so they will soon be pregnant. In an overpopulated world fertility rituals should be the personal endeaver of the proven infertile. (Instead we should have a ritual that will prevent conception until we are ready to be parents.) 

Sister

(First posted October 21, 2011)

 

SOLOGAMY

 

PLATONIC MALE FRIEND PROVES TO BE SELECTIVELY DEAF! : SISTER SPEAKS!

 PLATONIC MALE FRIEND PROVES TO BE SELECTIVELY DEAF

SELECTIVELY DEAF!  That's what I call my platonic friend who just recently landed a bouquet of flowers on me (secretly; no one seems to know how they got there) with a card that called me his "princess" and his "dream."  and was signed "your secret admirer."  When I made no reaction (at that point not sure who or where they came from!) he went and asked me if I had gotten them.  He turned pink. 

I said "Thank you, but that was really not necessary."  He asked "Well, who else would have sent them?" (The truth is there must be at least a half dozen men here and there who make passes at me or suggest that they would be interested in me and I could think of 5 men who might have.) My friend was on a "fishing expedition". 

HE ONCE SAID "When I woman doesn't talk about a boyfriend I figure she doesn't have one.  And I had said, "I don't talk a lot about boyfriends. Then I said that I had been dating someone for a year before I had mentioned this to anyone in our social group and first met him and I saw no reason to detail my encounters or my feelings. 

I don't have anything against getting a bouquet of flowers (you can tell that from my Meez avatar above!) but I DO HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST A MAN WHO APPARENTLY HAS NOT HEARD ME WHEN I HAVE SAID in recent times that I AM CELIBATE, THAT I AM NOT INTERESTED IN GETTING MARRIED, THAT I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND... When I have complained about one man or another looking for unwarranted hugs or a neighbor trying to practice foot massage therapy on me. When I have said that I would not want to live with or marry another person in our same profession...

It's true this man and I have long discussions about various intellectual subjects, but he drives me a little crazy because he's professorial and one of those people who thinks interrupting a discussion to correct pronunciation isn't unkind. He's interesting on his subjects but a bit of a know it all. I can only take so much of him and I don't confuse all this with a relationship developing more sexually. It's also true that I told him about the (above mentioned) relationship when it was well over, explaining to him that it had become long distance and thus unworkable but that this person still occupied my heart. I was not sure what would happen if he moved back to town.

JUST TO MAKE THE BOUQUET EVEN MORE EVIDENT OF SELECTIVE DEAFNESS, he had said that he could not imagine being with a woman who was not a devout Christian, which I am not.  So, of course, I thought he was declaring us incompatible on that basis.

I thought we were hanging out KNOWING that platonic friendship was the only possibility for us.

NOW I FEEL THAT TO EVEN TAKE HIS CALLS or GO ANYWHERE WITH HIM will be leading him on, since I have no interest or intention of taking this once upon a time friendship to another level!  

CAN YOU RELATE?

Sister

(First Published September 11, 2010)

C 2010  Never Married No Kids - BlogSpot

 

ASEXUALITY : A HOT TOPIC : HOW IT'S DIFFERENT FROM CELIBACY ?

ASEXUALITY : A HOT TOPIC : HOW IT'S DIFFERENT FROM CELIBACY ?

I get a whole lot of hits on my post about ASEXUAL CELEBRITIES. A person who is asexual feels as though they are devoid of sexual motivation or sexual nature. They may be a very loving person, a sensual person, but they just don't get into sex. They can love deeply but see no need or have little to no interest in taking that love into the physical. This is the perfect way to be if you're a person who is spiritually based and participating in religious life that requires celibacy. A person may be asexual for a while or for life. They may be married and have children but no longer be interested. CELIBACY is not participating in sexual contact with other people as a chosen lifestyle, at least temporarily (the sexual fast after a break up and before another involvement for instance.) The person might like sex, even love sex, but feel that for now it's time out. While many asexuals are celibate, many celibates struggle with attractions, despite their decisions. I think the difference is motivation or attitudes. NMNK is a blog for everyone who is NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS, and being asexual or celibate are two possible ways to be NMNK.

(First published June 12, 2012)

IS IT YOUR FATE TO BE NMNK ? SISTER SPEAKS!

 IS IT YOUR FATE TO BE NMNK ?  SISTER SPEAKS!

I haven't posted much on those who are VERY UNHAPPY being NMNK, who are NMNK because of infertility for instance, but who really do want to be married and have children and feel that life has passed them by because they haven't achieved these things.

I feel there is just so much on the Internet in support of those of you who have this life experience. And just so much on the Internet by you - lamenting your circumstances in life. NMNK who are in constant mourning over their fate of unpartnered and childless life are usually considered to be "normal." They're given a lot of sympathy - and pity. These NMNK can be aggressively proactive about finding a partner. They may be joining dating sites, having their friends match-make them, and saying prayers before they fall asleep hoping that God or Goddess will arrange for them to meet their "soul mate"! 

Sometimes these are the NMNKs who are investigating adoption or enjoying being used as a baby sitter by friends and family. 

Still they fit into the category I'm part of and write about ; NMNK

Frankly, I think that while we all grieve when our expectations of life go unmet, it's best to go with what it is fate has dealt you and make the very best of it. People can have worthy lives without being part of the status quo. Lots of things can and do go wrong in life and we don't have total control of what happens, so while it's a good to know yourself and acknowledge that being unmarried and childless is causing you a lot of personal pain, it's ridiculous to let this wreck the rest of your life. I'm not suggesting that if you put on the rose colored glasses, go into denial, or dance on the sunny side of the street you're going to stop wanting what you want. I'm suggesting that reviewing your life and noticing what's good as well as what's bad is the way to go! If you really want children but can't (and sometimes that means you can't adopt either because you're single, too poor, or too old) find ways to mix with children in some other healthy way, such as volunteering to work with disadvantage kids, become a Big Sister or Big Brother, or lead a scout troop.

Sister

(First published March 17, 2012)

C 2012 Never Married No Kids - BlogSpot

 

SOUL MATE: A DOCUMENTARY FILM ABOUT BLACK SINGLE WOMEN IN THE UNITED STATES

SOUL MATE: A DOCUMENTARY FILM ABOUT BLACK SINGLE WOMEN IN THE UNITED STATES

SOUL MATE a film by Andrea Wiley is C 2006 Clean Heart Production 

Review by Sister - NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS 

This is a documentary that focuses on successful, independent, beautiful, and Christian African American women, 40ish, who have never married and, listening to them speak, never had children. According to the stats which must have been from the 2000 U.S. census, 42.3% of Black women had never been married. Worse, and this is not according to the U.S. census, Black women are contracting HIV/AIDS from Black men on the low down (that means these men are also having sex with men, though they may be macho and not stereotypical or recognizable as gay), and bringing this home to their wives - a tragedy. First, the women in this film are exceptionally accomplished and well spoken about their thoughts and feelings about their lives. I don't know that they represent average African- American women. It's more like "if these women can't find husbands then who can?" One of the women who speaks is a Christian minister with a growing following while two of the men who speak are also Christian ministers. There is some take about "BC" as in Before Christian. Implied is that these women (and men) have taken a vow of celibacy until they are married. This is a vow to God and there is hope in these women that God will find them a husband or that they can accept His Will that they not be chosen for this role. Some are brave about their future. One breaks into tears of loneliness. Considering that so many African-American children are born outside marriage and don't have much fatherly presence in their lives, these women are holding out for a spiritual tradition and lifestyle that is less common than is being played out in the African-American communities where babies mamas and babies daddy are being played out. The African- American women I've met through the years expressed to me great frustration with African -American men, but also seemed to have a less entitled attitude than most Caucasian-American women I've met. I felt sorry for them because they seemed to have much less selection than Caucasian- American women. This is in part to the fact that African-American men marry Caucasian-American women at a rate five times higher than African-American women marry Caucasian-American men. This film also has a little bit about how slavery destroyed African-American families. However, personally, 150 years (a few generations from slavery) I think this has become an excuse. Many ethnic groups have had terrible struggles, for instance the Jewish-Americans who came as refugees due to the Holocaust, and simply, there has been time for African-Americans to address these issues in their culture. Coming from a heritage where poverty was no excuse for bad behavior of any sort, and certainly not for having children outside marriage, I think of this as a cultural problem that must be addressed within that culture. What I've heard about and observed is, sadly, African-American men taking full advantage of their rarity to exploit women who are desperate for them. I'm aware that telling a woman to hold out for a better sort of man in her life is telling her to remain celibate, single, and possibly childless. I personally think this is a better life than being married to Mr. Wrong or finding out you've been sharing a cheater with other women. The quality of this film was excellent. Watch it. You might have a different opinion!

(First published September 4, 2012)

NEIL DIAMOND : SOLITARY MAN

 

NMNK LINKED TO IMMATURITY? HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE ECONOMICS?

 NMNK LINKED TO IMMATURITY?  HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE ECONOMICS?

Recently I heard about an article on the Internet from Britain which said that the reason so many young people are NMNK is that they refuse to grow up! 

The number one reason I feel is that economic times are difficult.  It's not easy to be in your twenties and have the kind of job that allows you to be self-supporting and put money away for the day you can be married - especially not if you want to be married, have children, and have a stay-at-home mom or dad!  So many young people graduate college, and after that bout of freedom and responsibility from family, come home and move back into their bedroom in their parents' home.  Then what?

I think there is another consideration besides economics though, and that is these days families are smaller and parents and children are optioning for an extended family.  Instead of children leaving the family home permanently after college graduation (or the age of 18), and perhaps living so independently that they rarely see their parents, instead parents are helping raise grandchildren and children are staying to do elder care for their parents, sometimes inheriting the house a result.  The interdependency is what family is all about.

Whatever the case, I object to the idea that it is never mature to live with your parents, return to your parents after college, and so on. It takes maturity to make it through four or more years of grinding college classes, to succeed at that.  It also takes maturity to know that you cannot afford to live in an apartment even with roommates, or that you don't want the lifestyle that having roommates often brings.  It takes maturity to know that you do not want marriage, or marriage and children at any time in your life, that you cannot afford to do so and that you would not want to burden other people as a result of your behavior. 

Sister

(First posted December 15, 2012)

C 2012 Never Married No Kids - BlogSpot

 

TRACY MCMILLAN : WHY YOU'RE NOT MARRIED : A REVIEW OF STEREOTYPES SHE BELIEVES IN (THIS WILL MAKE YOU ANGRY!)

TRACY MCMILLAN : WHY YOU'RE NOT MARRIED : A REVIEW OF STEREOTYPES SHE BELIEVES IN

This article, linked here, is by Tracy McMillan, and appeared in the Huffington Post, is called "WHY YOU'RE NOT MARRIED." Mcmillan is a single mother living in Los Angeles and the Huffington Post is owned by a woman who has been suspected of marrying a homosexual so that when the divorce came (inevitable) she'd be rich. The Quick List: You're a Bitch, You're Shallow, You're a Slut, You're a Liar, You're Selfish, You're Not Good Enough. (Ready to vomit?) If anger hasn't moved from your feet into your head by now, nothing will provoke you. McMillan is presenting all the worst "reasons" while holding out hope for us. NO SHE'S NOT A HUMORIST.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-youre-not-married_b_822088

(First published  April 10, 2012)

VISITING SOLO SENIORS : FAMILY OF CHOICE FAMILY OF FRIENDS

 VISITING SOLO SENIORS : FAMILY OF CHOICE FAMILY OF FRIENDS

One of the nicest things an NMNK can do is go visiting NMNK seniors.

I think we can learn a lot from those who are senior to us and many of us have parents or grandparents who have already passed away.  There is an increasing number of people who were only children who will go into their senior-hood without parents or siblings.  While some of these people have other blood relatives who may look in on them and be there to stand up for them, many depend(ed) on a FAMILY OF FRIENDS.

I first heard the terms FAMILY OF FRIENDS or FAMILY OF CHOICE (MADE UP OF FRIENDS) while having contact with many gay males in business.  I became friendly with some of these men and learned that though their family of birth had kicked them out because they were living a gay lifestyle (which usually meant no marriage, no children), they had formed family with others in the same situation.  They provided each other mutual support, but it wasn't all talk about problems, it was actually BEING THERE for each other through unemployment, hospitalizations, and so on.

Why not go to a senior building or assisted living in your area and volunteer, or ask the staff if you can be involved in casually visiting seniors there?  Maybe take your dog too.

You may make some friends - of choice.

(First posted on June 6, 2013)

SUSAN JACOBY 'S NEVER SAY DIE TELLS THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING OLD ALONE BROKE and ILL

SUSAN JACOBY 'S  NEVER SAY DIE TELLS THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING OLD ALONE BROKE and ILL

VIDEO EXPIRED taken down Nov 2023

Linking to a YouTube video in which author Susan Jacoby explains her viewpoint. Will our old age be so different than that of our parents or grandparents? New Agism has taken over. Just read a devastating book, written by a secular humanist Susan Jacoby, who looks at the facts not the spin on old age. NEVER SAY DIE, THE MYTH AND MARKETING of THE NEW OLD AGE, put out by Pantheon Books this year, looks at issues like Baby Boomer finances (especially severe for old women), Alzheimer's, and other issues that the people promoting 80 as the new 50 don't want you to try on. While reading this book I was thinking of the recession we're in and the fact that many women never have the kind of employers who provide retirements. So many are already hurting, already working hard and unable to save. I was thinking that fear of being alone and broke in old age IS STILL NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO HAVE CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF YOU IN OLD AGE . In visiting seniors living in retirement homes, board and cares, and nursing homes, I already know that many of those who had children - and grandchildren - still do not get the visits they need. I notice those ads that have vital active and young looking grey haired seniors enjoying their retirement years. They rarely seem to show real residents, people with walkers and wheel chairs. This book is not light summer reading, but it is reading that will make you think and activate.

Sister

(First published  August 30, 2011)

S IS FOR SINGLE!

OUR ENEMY DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER / PARENTHOOD BY PROXY

OUR ENEMY DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER / PARENTHOOD BY PROXY

Flipping through... Dr. Laura Schlessinger Parenthood By Proxy DON'T HAVE THEM IF YOU WON'T RAISE THEM C 2000 Cliff Street Books... 

Tripped across this one on the library shelves today and was intrigued by the DON'T HAVE THEM IF YOU WON'T RAISE THEM subtitle. And she's right that you don't get to resign from parenthood. Of course, anyone who listens to Dr. Laura's radio program, which is broadcast across the nation knows that she is ALSO AGAINST ABORTION, suggesting to anyone who cannot afford to raise a child that they should give that child up for adoption, and that she is AGAINST SINGLE PARENTHOOD as well. She frequently advises couples to stay together to raise a child, a kind of "You made a baby now you are stuck in an unhappy marriage attitude." BUT THEN AGAIN, I often think that her callers already know what she is going to say... REST ASSURED Dr. Laura IS THE NEVER MARRIED NO CHILDREN ENEMY. I've heard her tell people who have just gotten married to SHUN their still single friends. She doesn't really have any use for those of us who choose to remain unmarried and childless... She doesn't have any regard for us.

(First published October 14, 2008)

Note: She is no longer on the air!

LOVE YOUR FRIENDS AS THEY ARE

VALENTINES DAY can put a lot of pressure on devoted Never Married No Kids types. That's because this is the big American celebration of couplehood. But you CAN send Valentines to your very unmarried friends and let them know you LOVE THEM AS THEY ARE!