DO NEVER MARRIED SINGLE WOMEN Attract Men FOR THE WRONG REASON ?

DO NEVER MARRIED SINGLE WOMEN Attract Men FOR THE WRONG REASON ?

One of my friends recently suggested to me that the great number of men who have been coming on to me - in various ways - over the last year and a half are doing so because word is out that I'm NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS! You see, she thinks I'm THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE YET. One of these men posed as my friend for months. One day he told me "All the guys figure that one day you are going to give in. Someone is going to get you. They figure they may as well try." Actually, that worried me. A competition for me? I suppose if a woman wants to be married she might find a way to exploit the competition. But I've never been that way and I don't trust people who only want you because it seems everyone does. Are there any men out there who would like to comment on this? 

Sister

(First published November 2, 2009)

SOUL MATE : A FILM BY ANDREA WILEY : A DOCUMENTARY FILM ABOUT BLACK SINGLE WOMEN IN THE UNITED STATES

SOUL MATE: A DOCUMENTARY FILM ABOUT BLACK SINGLE WOMEN IN THE UNITED STATES

SOUL MATE a film by Andrea Wiley is C 2006 Clean Heart Production 

Review by Sister - NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS 

This is a documentary that focuses on successful, independent, beautiful, and Christian African American women, 40ish, who have never married and, listening to them speak, never had children. According to the stats which must have been from the 2000 U.S. census, 42.3% of Black women had never been married. Worse, and this is not according to the U.S. census, Black women are contracting HIV/AIDS from Black men on the low down (that means these men are also having sex with men, though they may be macho and not stereotypical or recognizable as gay), and bringing this home to their wives - a tragedy. First, the women in this film are exceptionally accomplished and well spoken about their thoughts and feelings about their lives. I don't know that they represent average African- American women. It's more like "if these women can't find husbands then who can?" One of the women who speaks is a Christian minister with a growing following while two of the men who speak are also Christian ministers. There is some take about "BC" as in Before Christian. Implied is that these women (and men) have taken a vow of celibacy until they are married. This is a vow to God and there is hope in these women that God will find them a husband or that they can accept His Will that they not be chosen for this role. Some are brave about their future. One breaks into tears of loneliness. Considering that so many African-American children are born outside marriage and don't have much fatherly presence in their lives, these women are holding out for a spiritual tradition and lifestyle that is less common than is being played out in the African-American communities where babies mamas and babies daddy are being played out. The African- American women I've met through the years expressed to me great frustration with African -American men, but also seemed to have a less entitled attitude than most Caucasian-American women I've met. I felt sorry for them because they seemed to have much less selection than Caucasian- American women. This is in part to the fact that African-American men marry Caucasian-American women at a rate five times higher than African-American women marry Caucasian-American men. This film also has a little bit about how slavery destroyed African-American families. However, personally, 150 years (a few generations from slavery) I think this has become an excuse. Many ethnic groups have had terrible struggles, for instance the Jewish-Americans who came as refugees due to the Holocaust, and simply, there has been time for African-Americans to address these issues in their culture. Coming from a heritage where poverty was no excuse for bad behavior of any sort, and certainly not for having children outside marriage, I think of this as a cultural problem that must be addressed within that culture. What I've heard about and observed is, sadly, African-American men taking full advantage of their rarity to exploit women who are desperate for them. I'm aware that telling a woman to hold out for a better sort of man in her life is telling her to remain celibate, single, and possibly childless. I personally think this is a better life than being married to Mr. Wrong or finding out you've been sharing a cheater with other women. The quality of this film was excellent. Watch it. You might have a different opinion!

(First published September 4, 2012)

Never Married No Kids - An Intentional Community,NMNK lifestyle,Andrea Wiley,United States of America,Sister Speaks,Black Woman,Never Married Women,Christianity,celibacy,

CYNDI LAUPER : GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN

CYNDI LAUPER : GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN

NEVER MARRIED WOMEN FACE SOCIAL STIGMA STILL

  NEVER MARRIED WOMEN FACE SOCIAL STIGMA STILL

"In 2009, approximately 40 percent of adults were single, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. In a new study, "I'm a Loser, I'm Not Married, Let's Just All Look at Me," a University of Missouri researcher examined the familial and societal messages given to women who are not married by their mid-30's. Although the number of single women has increased, the stigma associated with being single at that age has not diminished, according to the women in this study. "We found that never-married women's social environments are characterized by pressure to conform to the conventional life pathway," said Larry Ganong, co-chair of Human Development and Family Studies in the College of Human Environmental Sciences." LINK to the article by clicking on the title of this post!

(First published August 11, 2011) 

Note that if you put I'm a Loser, I'm Not Married, Let's Just All Look at Me into a search engines, a number of academic/research abstracts re this article will come up.)

THE JEALOUSY OF THOSE BURDENED BY CHILDREN - IT TAKES STRENGTH TO REMAIN NMNK WITH SO MUCH PRESSURE TO MARRY

Although sometimes being NMNK is portrayed as selfishness - or complete freedom - that fact is anyone human has connections to other humans and some sort of duty or obligation. 

For instance, it is my observation that it is often the child who has no children or the child who is the only child or the oldest or the youngest who may have delayed or given up having a partner who takes on the care of aging parents. It's true that those with children, if they are responsible human beings, will do their best to raise those children to become honorable adults.  Sometimes the siblings who have marriages and children are the ones who expect the NMNK to take on the parents.

This morning when I thought about writing on this subject - the jealousy I've experienced because I'm NMNK - I thought of a particular relative of mine who in a traditional way seems to have, if not all, a whole lot more than me.

Her parents paid for her college education, she became a teacher, and while teaching met a much older and wealthy man who was divorced.  Not saying they didn't both work hard or were not deserving, but soon enough they bought property and started building a dream home.  The husband was responsible to his ex wife and children by her, and proceeded to have three children with my relative.  Their children were raised knowing their half-siblings and consider them family.  She wanted land, a dream home, and children.  In fact, she seemed to think that this was only natural.  Her children are healthy, smart, and also have had the advantage of education.  They all seem to be doing quite well.  After they were well raised, she went back to college and earned an advanced degree.  She lives on horse property and her much older husband is still alive.  I'm sure many people envy her.  She can sometimes come off as princessy or snobby.  She once said, "I got everything I wanted."

Yet, one time when I admitted I was having a difficult time, she sent me a one liner in the mail.

It said, "YOU'RE SINGLE! YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE!" I felt the sting that was intended.

Did she not know that I did not have her advantages?

Actually I could not go anywhere, not even on vacation.  I could not have afforded to up and move just anywhere, or even to the closest city. I did not have sponsorship or contacts.  I was stuck financially.  It's not true that being NMNK means you will have a career or earn enough money.  However, I was determined to not marry if it meant being significantly compromised and the men when I was still interested in dating, were not for me - nor me for them.

In fact, I think - still think - that society is set up to force women into relationships with men for their own survival. Anything as exploitative as prostitution and being sex trafficked to staying married to an abuser to simply being not paid as well as men in the same employment and not able to make it on one's own.  This is reflected in also being poor or poorer and not being able to retire.

Over time I've seen how people who want to get married and have children seem to think that at about  age 26 one should take whatever or whomever they can get, just to partner and get started.  I think this attitude is one of the reasons there is so much divorce.  Really, if you cannot afford to raise children on your own, you might consider not having any because so many of you will end up being the sole support. 

I know that more of you are being responsible about having children with partners because so very many people who want children but see the need to afford them reportedly delayed having children during the uncertainty of Covid.  I know that no-one is perfect.  I also know people can grow and change.

However, I can testify that every one of the men I had as platonic friends or dated briefly, who illustrated some serious flaw, including being horribly sexist, opportunistic or a user, or who had personality disorders or some form of mental illness that went unaddressed or untreated, every one of them has married someone.  I don't know anything about these relationships.  However, if these men did not change their thinking or their ways or get help, what of these women?

One time a woman friend told me it was better socially to be divorced than to be NMNK and I think that's sad.  

The pressure to be married is strong.

But it takes a person who is strong to remain NMNK as the best choice as well.

I CAN BET NMNKs CAN DEAL WITH THE CORONAVIRUS-19 PANDEMIC BETTER THAN MOST PEOPLE

Dear Readers,

If you've just come to this BlogSpot for the first time or after a long while, I encourage you to read posts from the very beginning.  You'll find my personal experiences and opinions of course, but also links of interest.  This blog is a labor of love - and empathy - for others who have chosen the Never Married No Kids lifestyle.  Though it's more common than ever, I feel NMNK need support. It's here.

I'm betting that those NMNKs who are self quarantined or forced to stay at home are doing better than those who don't live alone or who are in relationships that require maintenance.  That's because I think people who are childless and never married - or perhaps alone because the house has cleared out of children and are widowed or divorced - can deal with all that aloneness much better.

Consider my friend who I called recently who started out by telling me she has not had a television in years, has a pile of books to read, meditates, and otherwise has a lot of small projects to complete.  Recently retired, this woman has not been married for many years, plans not to remarry again, never had children, and has only one relative alive to check in on her.  But she feels no concern because her chances of catching Corona-19 are slim, especially because she doesn't feel the need to go out, and she loves the time alone.

I recently heard a broadcast on the radio - I think it was a PBS station and if not a Public Radio or College station - that was of interest.  One person in Los Angeles out of five has no one to look in on them.  Some people were startled to hear that.  

The virus has forced the issue of Who To Call if it's an emergency.  Though some NMNK still have family or friends to look after them, there are those who have no plan of action, no one to call.  For some this is scary, for others who have had the money to pre-plan, not so much.  For those with no money and no plan, well - you are not alone. You might even be thinking that you don't want a funeral, you don't want fuss, you don't even want an obituary in the paper.  You love your privacy and wouldn't want an expensive funeral anyway.

I personally am not worried.  Concerned yes.  Concerned for humanity.

Am I fighting depression?  A little.  It's because I was concerned for humanity before the virus forced us to conduct ourselves in a way that is not natural or human and because in my brief time out of the house, when I accompany a senior friend of mine on outings, we have encountered domestic violence occurring in the vehicle ahead of us.  I've also heard a Hispanic man call a man who was driving without a mask a "Nigger."  The Hispanic man was not wearing a mask.  He was walking with earphones on. I really do not want the tension people feel to result in domestic violence or racial violence.

That I have a dog and walk daily makes a difference.  

I too have long lists of things I want to do with my time and have been doing with my time - especially trying new recipes challenged by the ingredients I already have in the house since I didn't want to be part of the hoarding and saw so many people not compliant with wearing masks around.  So I find new recipes on the Internet or YouTube and try them - some are delicious and worth keeping.

I'm sewing.  

I'm listening to audio books.  

I'm reading the news - maybe too much - but OK. 

I wrote a long letter to a public personality that I've been meaning to write for over a year and mailed it.

And so on.

How are you doing?

Sister

YOU'RE NOT A TERRORIST IF YOU ARE MARRIED WITH CHILDREN? : SISTER SPEAKS

Terrorism around the world, especially the ISIS brand, has upset me badly.  I've been reading around the refugee crisis in Europe, what countries are willing to take how many people; sometimes they say they will take Christians, often they say they will take families.  And every time another bomb goes off and kills and mains dozens of people, I worry that Donald Trump will become President of the United States and drop an atomic bomb - OK maybe a teeny tiny one.

WHAT I'VE READ AGAIN AND AGAIN is that most terrorists are men, and that they are unmarried men without families.   This is especially so if they wish to blow themselves up in the process. I have no way of proving this is so, but because of this unmarried men without families are not looked upon favorably when it comes to granting official refugee status.  Clearly it is thought that if a man is single, if he has not made the commitment to husband a woman and father children then he is not family oriented.

I hate that.

But I wonder if this is true culturally and religiously, because of the huge emphasis on marriage and children in Islamic cultures.

The horror of refugee men being abusive, and even raping women and children in Germany, often because the woman is unprotected by a man, is warning for every other country in Europe and the Western world NOT TO TAKE IN REFUGEES.  I know that my desire to visit Europe as a tourist has gone flat.

The situation is OUT OF CONTROL and I, for one, have lost a lot of empathy because of these violent outbreaks.  I definitely wish to live in a world where I can be an independent single unmarried childless and unescorted female and remain not harassed, molested, or raped.

I think these refugees KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING and taking advantage of the cultural differences that make women seem available to them for wrong doing.

It's all sh*t!

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All Rights Reserved including Internet and International Rights

40% of Black Women are "not married"...Well...Not Really... BLACK WOMEN WILL HAVE TO VENTURE OUT OF THEIR CULTURE?

THANKSGIVING DINNER ! THOSE NASTY RELATIVES !

Don't know about you but I've had some real nasty "Family" Thanksgiving Dinners!

BECAUSE I BROUGHT A FRIEND WHO HAD NOWHERE ELSE TO GO ALONG, it was assumed that this man was an important relationship... LIKE, "MAYBE SHE'S GOING TO GET MARRIED!" The poor guy endured a lot of personal questions, like he was being interviewed to see if he was husband material. A relative had the nerve to tell him I had "Commitment Phobia" which isn't true at all. So here are some things to be thankful for! THAT THOSE KIDS RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE get to go home with someone else at the days end!