ALL IN A ROW

 

NMNK in 2023 REVIEW: ARE YOU NMNK BECAUSE OF FINANCIAL CONSIDERATIONS?

 Hello my friends, NMNK and otherwise.

This year I ...

Had to tell a man who has a daughter but otherwise has been divorced for years without any intent to remarry what NMNK means.  (It was funny because he thought maybe I was trying to tell him about my sexuality)  Never Married No Kids.

Met more people who are having trouble paying their rent (even when they have had several children who are NOT helping their parents).  I met divorced or unmarried persons who are stuck in inadequate housing... such as living in a room or living with one or more roommates rther than having their own apartment or home.

Was proposed to by a friend since he said, neither of us have ever married.  (But he had a ten year relationship with a woman he did not marry, who left the relationship to marry someone else.  I thought he was sincere but have no romantic or sexual interest in him.  I had to remind him that crushes don't last and that living together or getting married is serious.

Had a crush of my own - Yes it happens.  But I suppose the interest was not mutual because this man did not make a move. 

Met a NMNK man, who has had sex with a LOT of women but came closest to marriage with a ten year relationship that ended badly, tell me about how when he was 30 he ad his then girlfriend decided upon an abortion.  He said sometimes he thinks that he could have a child who would be 40 now, but that there is no way that he could have supported a child in his profession.  (Lot's of people work hard and cannot afford to bring a child into the word or raise it.)

Met a man, a senior who said that he is not willing to consider dating for two reasons.  One, he physically cannot have sex anymore, and secondly that if he married and it did not work out then he would loose his condo, which is basically his safety, security, and net worth.

ARE YOU NMNK BECAUSE OF FINANCIAL CONSIDERATIONS?

Sister

ALONE NOT LONELY

 

ALTERNATIVES TO MARRIAGE PROJECT

PHILANTHROPY NEWS DIGEST: ALTERNATIVES TO MARRIAGE PROJECTS 

Excerpt:  Founded 1998

Mission: The Alternatives to Marriage Project is a national nonprofit organization advocating for equality and fairness for unmarried people, including people who chose not to marry, cannot marry, or live together before marriage.  While ATMP opposes marital status discrimination it is  not anti-marriage...  Essentially, it believes that everyone should have the option of choosing to marry or not...

DUEX

 

DID YOU STAY HOME ALONE FOR THANKSGIVING RATHER THAN DEAL WITH THE RELATIVES? WHAT ABOUT CHRISTMAS?

 DID YOU STAY HOME ALONE FOR THANKSGIVING RATHER THAN DEAL WITH THE RELATIVES? WHAT ABOUT CHRISTMAS?

Well friends, I did!  I got my turkey a week early and decided to thaw out and cook it the next day.  I stuck it in a crock pot and hours later I had a meal and a lot of left overs.  I remember the days when Turkey was only for holidays but now, due to low fat diets, more of us are eating it regularly.  Not as special.

Also not as special.  Going out shopping on Thanksgiving!  Is NOTHING sacred?

Not me.  There was not a chance in hell that I was going to do Thanksgiving as greed and materialism and Black Friday as more greed and materialism.  I know there were deals out there but in my town people were camping out in store parking lots over night to beat other consumers.

I went to the local library the day before and came home with a dozen DVD's.  Some films I wanted to watch, others to take a chance with, including documentaries.  Then, as I watched these over a FOUR DAY SELF IMPOSED HOLIDAY, I did some hand sewing. 

Over my holiday I took my doggie for a long walk and bathed her.  I started to read a really interesting book called YOUR DOG IS YOUR MIRROR, just out, that tells us that dogs are living in the moment and emotionally at all times. (Enough of this dog training via the dominance model!)

Actually I had a long list of things I hoped to accomplish, but hey, washing the windows and hanging new draperies I'd made by myself was fulfilling, and I can put the Halloween decorations away another time.

At no time did I feel sorry for myself or lonely!

In fact, I turned down an invitation to go to a friend's family for Thanksgiving.  My friend is always complaining about all the family members who would be there, so I saw no reason why I needed to meet these people who cause her so many issues all year.  I'm sure she meant well, but I preferred my own company.

Now the Christmas Holidays are upon us.  I plan to craft a very few personal gifts to give at year's end, along with a LOT OF THANKS for those people I really do appreciate. To me even Christmas is OPTIONAL when it comes to being social.  It's great to be able to do as I like rather than be socially obligated!

Sister

(First published November 26, 2012)

SPINSTERS WALTZ performed by EVAN LURIE

SPINSTERS WALTZ performed by EVAN LURIE

ALL THOSE DATING BOOKS ARE WORTHLESS TO THOSE WHO HATE DATING

ALL THOSE DATING BOOKS ARE WORTHLESS TO THOSE WHO HATE DATING

Those who are not interested in being married are sometimes not even interested in DATING.

There are so many books on the shelves of bookstores and libraries these days that are intended to help you get partnered.

Those of us who are taking a vacation from dating, for now or for life, find reading these books to be a bit amusing.

That's right! AMUSING!

We are thought of as rather without heart (though we can put love into our work, our volunteerism, our hobbies and sports, our friends and family.

I'm going to tell you one of my PET PEEVES. I can't stand it when people try to "make family" as if they need to prove they are not really unmarried or childless, by having their dogs and cats and other pets stand in as children. You see this often on the back flap of a book by certain authors. Never mind that this person has authored and published a book which is an accomplishment in itself. Their bio reads "She lives in Maine with her dog." Please! Stop the apologies already!

If the fact that the world is overpopulated, and that so many children are brought into this world by biological parents who think love is enough (and many don't even have that!) and that you may have been lucky or responsible enough NOT TO BE ONE MORE SINGLE MOTHER WITH A "BABIES PAPA" what is it going to take for you to stop apologizing for not being a breeder?

Sister

(First posted February 25, 2012)

 

SOLOGAMY

 

DINING OUT OR IN ALONE? ALONE DOES NOT MEAN LONELY

 DINING OUT OR IN ALONE? ALONE DOES NOT MEAN LONELY

VISITING SOLO SENIORS : FAMILY OF CHOICE FAMILY OF FRIENDS

 VISITING SOLO SENIORS : FAMILY OF CHOICE FAMILY OF FRIENDS

One of the nicest things an NMNK can do is go visiting NMNK seniors.

I think we can learn a lot from those who are senior to us and many of us have parents or grandparents who have already passed away.  There is an increasing number of people who were only children who will go into their senior-hood without parents or siblings.  While some of these people have other blood relatives who may look in on them and be there to stand up for them, many depend(ed) on a FAMILY OF FRIENDS.

I first heard the terms FAMILY OF FRIENDS or FAMILY OF CHOICE (MADE UP OF FRIENDS) while having contact with many gay males in business.  I became friendly with some of these men and learned that though their family of birth had kicked them out because they were living a gay lifestyle (which usually meant no marriage, no children), they had formed family with others in the same situation.  They provided each other mutual support, but it wasn't all talk about problems, it was actually BEING THERE for each other through unemployment, hospitalizations, and so on.

Why not go to a senior building or assisted living in your area and volunteer, or ask the staff if you can be involved in casually visiting seniors there?  Maybe take your dog too.

You may make some friends - of choice.

(First posted on June 6, 2013)

DAISY HEART

 

GOING SOLO BY ERIC KLINENBERG : NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS BOOK REVIEW

C 2012 Eric Klinenberg The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone Published by Penguin Press 

This is the best book I've read about being single and living alone that has come out in a long time. The approach the author, Eric Klinenberg takes, is to look at singles in society and he did a lot of interviewing to get his information. Going Solo includes chapters on aging alone, and the poor who are living alone in Single Room Occupancy type apartments who don't socialize with their neighbors, hoping to protect themselves. It is that chapter that I found most impressive. (Pages 111 -112) ...

"Some of the affluent and middle-class people we interviewed acknowledged that they'd sought out a place of their own to avoid toxic relationships, or to escape from a community that took more than it gave. The disadvantaged men we interviewed were even more likely to report motivations like this. For them, living alone can easily lead to a dangerous extremes, resulting not only in domestic autonomy but also in reclusiveness, hoarding, and other antisocial behaviors that turn one's safe house into a tomb. Even more judicious forms of social withdrawal may lead to a kind of miserable security, as in the case of many of the ex-convicts, substance abusers, and the unemployed men who take refuge in single-room-occupancy hotels and cheap efficiency apartments to avoid friends and family whose company brings more trouble that it's worth. Living alone is a way to protect the self, yet it also risks imperiling it, and it;'s no surprise that people in good physical, emotional, and financial health, are better able to find the right balance than those who are sick or poor. For those with financial security, a busy schedule, and a dense social network, living alone can be productive because it offers access to privacy, restoration, and personal development. But for the vulnerable it more often leads to what Berkeley sociologist Sandra Smith calls "defensive individualism," a dangerous state that fosters distrust toward other people and institutions, and ultimately toward the self as well." As the author points out early in the book (Page 3) 

"During the past half century , our species has embarked on a remarkable social experiment. For the first time in human history, great numbers of people - at all ages, in all places, of every political persuasion - have begun settling down as singletons." (Page 5) 

"Today more than 50 percent of American adults are single, and 31 million - roughly one out of eery seven adults - live alone. (This figure excludes the 8 million Americans who live in voluntary and non-voluntary group quarters, such as assisted living facilities, nursing homes, and prisons.) People who live alone make up 28% of all U.S. households, which means that they are not tied with childless couples as the most prominent residential type - more common than the nuclear family, the multi-generational family, and the roommate or group home. Surprisingly, living alone is also one of the most stable household arrangements... Contemporary solo dwellers are primarily women; about 17 million, compared to 14 million men... This one is worth your spare time to read! 

Sister / Never Married No Kids C 2012 All Rights Reserved including Internet and International Rights

(First published on September 24, 2012)

STRANGE BUT TRUE : MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE FIRST OR ONLY CHILDREN! DOES BIRTH ORDER HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH BEING AN NMNK?

STRANGE BUT TRUE : MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE FIRST OR ONLY CHILDREN!  DOES BIRTH ORDER HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH BEING AN NMNK?

Sister here : Recently I realized that most of my friends are first or only children - and they were born mostly before have 2.5 children was the norm! (I wonder what the psychologists who believe in birth order are going to do about that "middle child" in their analysis?)

As a child- those first five years that they say are so vital - I had lots of neighbor children and cousins to play with. But as much as I liked playing with other children I also started honing quiet time for myself because I took to reading early and also loved making art projects.

I WONDER IF THERE ARE ANY STATS ON BIRTH ORDER AND NMNK?!

(First published July 25, 2011)

 

GOING INTO THE HOLIDAYS as a NMNK : ARE YOU DEPRESSED?

For those of you who, like me, are NMNK, there's a chance that the holidays will feel a bit more lonely than alone. There's nothing wrong with feeling lonely sometimes.  Everyone does feel that once in a while if not a lot, as part of the human condition.  It's a mystery, why we are here!

If you've been reading NMNK then you know that I don't think being NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS is always or should be lonely, but everyone's circumstances are different. For some those circumstances are brief, and for others it goes on.

I was recently reading about suicide, about mental and emotional conditions that require intervention or what is called "professional help."  Apparently suicide has been the way out of an unhappy experience in life, especially for teens, YouTube "influencers," veterans, and so very many other people who just can't take their lives anymore, in increasing rates. Holidays, with the emphasis on family, friends - relationships, and merriment that can be and feel forced, makes it all more unbearable.

(In the past I wrote about what it was to show up at a relatives house for a Thanksgiving dinner only to find out that without my knowledge or permission a man who needed a wife had been asked to attend to meet me.)

Although this blog has always had the intent to share and tell others who are NMNK "You Are Not Alone," and although I know the statistics of those who are in the NMNK Lifestyle, are going up steadily,and so I feel there is overall more support for NMNK as a lifestyle CHOICE, I worry that a reader might be tackling loneliness all alone.

You see, I can only offer you the insight coming from experience, but I'm not posing as a professional when it comes to depression or any other mental state that might result in a person feeling so not understood, so discriminated against, so very alone in this life that that person also feels it's a life not worth living. (As well, I realize some people are at the end of their lives, in medical crisis, or do not want to go on in pain.) 

Also, I do think that the whole psychology profession has become overblown and there are a whole lot of people in it seeking clients. 

I was walking down the street to do some shopping a few months ago when I passed a homeless services building and encountered people outside it who were soliciting people to enter into a program they had government funding for. I said I was not interested and damn it, one of the men started with "We know there's a STIGMA attached to mental illness but all you have to do is go to therapy..."  And I was thinking "I'm just walking by this place!" (Maybe they were not even attached to the nonprofit housed inside that building?) I kept walking.  (I don't think every homeless person is mentally ill.  I think the extreme cost of living has done a lot of people in.)

Three times in my life I've encouraged friends who were clearly moving into mental illness (or had been for a while) to give therapy a try, and in each case the person was insulted enough, or not good with being found out - even by someone who had stuck by them for years, that I was ghosted. (Did that hurt. Yes, though in two cases my accepting that they were ill gradually also helped me accept that they would not have me in their lives if I wasn't an enabler.)

Frankly, sometimes what a person needs is not a paid professional to listen to them rant their problems, but a good friend or two. Sometimes just having some places to go and things to do is enough to change the mood.  Participation!

Being worthy of the NMNK label is a Choice for many, like me, but it is also by Fate. Some people really want to be married and/or have children and just cannot find a partner. For those of us who are perhaps "Old Fashioned" enough to think that relationships should happen "organically" rather than turn into desperate hunts, there is an acceptance of one's natural self being one that is not partnered.

There is plenty of advice out there about how to get partnered and it's not the topic of this blog but I just want to say I do understand what it is to not have life turn out as you might have planned.  But then, plans change, don't they?  (An old quote goes something like "We plan, God Laughs.") I recall years ago a friend who married and apparently found it was not to her liking within a year, but stayed in there, mocking me because the things I apparently said I wanted as a girl, things I had long forgotten, had changed.

As for having children, you know I strongly advocate that a person must understand the fact that children have many needs and deserve many things and it is up to the parents - not the government - to provide.

I've seen what happens when people who are not qualified to have and raise children have them and lived long enough to see what happens to that child as an adult. 

Being able to self-examine and determine your life can be a difficult thing especially when you know in your deepest self that your choices go against the traditions. (I once had a friend who was near menopause, had not had a relationship in years, and who was just barely getting by financially who was still talking wanting to have a child some day. I had to think she was not facing reality.) If seeing your family during the holidays includes meeting up with people who clearly do not respect your choices, you might select to not go.

If you are prone to depression consider that Covid-19 restrictions and conditions in the world that you are part of but not in charge of are certainly a reason. So many activities we used to do or had options to participate in were closed down or gone into the "virtual" which is not at all the same as personal interactions. This past summer some of these places and events attempted to restart with very little attendance. I believe that getting out of the house and sometimes out of town for a couple days can be all it takes to move past a gloomy outlook.

However, I've also been forced to rethink some of the relationships I'd put time and energy as well as heart into, in the past. I realized that I'd kept relationships that were no longer worth that time, energy, and heart. And that some friends probably thought I was also not worth keeping. And also that I was not easily making new friends. 

Did these relationships end in a confrontation or blow up?  No, nothing that dramatic.  In actuality, both political and religious incompatibility were impactful. Never have I found it more difficult to encounter people who are tolerant or moderate, able to have friendships with people who are not exactly birds of a feather. In friendship one seeks commonality.

It also has to do with having things in common and how much time a person has to spend. No doubt about it, those who are partnered seem to have less time for those who are not. Those who have children feel they have more in common with those who do also do. Having and raising children seems to take every bit of their time and energy so NMNK can be sidelined by them. (Or you may be invited into or kept into their lives to help them with childcare.)

This may surprise you, but I've been devoted to keeping friends who, I realized, had me in their lives only for a purpose.  And sometimes the assumption that because a person is NMNK leads others to think that we have lots of time available to do things for them as part of that friendship.

If you find yourself alone and feeling down during the holidays consider this:

There is usually a lot of "pop up" volunteer work to do, that does not require testing, applications, interviews, or education. Sometimes their usual volunteers get busy elsewhere during the holidays so maybe it's time to roll up your sleeves at a food bank or help set up for an event at a senior living place or help pick citrus from neighborhood trees to be donated.

Consider attending public concerts and events.

Try a new coffee house and have a lively chat.

Take a walk in nature.

Don't forget to invite friends. Make that recipe you're known for!

Dine out alone! 

Sister

SOPHIE TANNER MARRIED HERSELF IN A UNITARIAN SERVICE - SOLOGAMIST SAYS THE COMMITMENT DIDN'T HURT ANYONE ELSE

DAILY MAIL FEMALE : SOPHIE TURNER MARRIED HERSELF

It's an interesting story and the article by Latoya Gayle is loaded with photos from the wedding.  Basically after being cheated upon, Sophie, who is now 42, decided not just to be committed to herself but actually have a wedding.  She had the church, the minister, the dresses.

EXCERPTS:

SOPHIE SAID SHE STOPPED EXPLAINING WHY SHE HASN'T SETTLED DOWN and FOUND EMPOWERMENT IN THE SIX YEAR SINCE HER WEDDING.

Before her ceremony she had relationships of varying lengths but had a tendency to put her partner's need before her own and was frequently cheated on.  She added that the experiences made her question if there was something 'wrong' with her.

...

The self-declared "sologamist' said self love has never been more important than in the last year.

She added: 'The enforced isolation that lockdown has brought on us this past year has meant that self care and self love have become less of a fad and more of a priority.  Personally, I've had to dig deeper into my reserves of self-love than ever before, and the experience has been humbling.

NMNK as VOTERS

It's my guess that NMNK's tend to be a liberal group because we are discriminated against and that has to make a person sensitive to discrimination in general.

Though many more people are CHOOSING to not marry and/or have children these days, there is still a stigma.  How intensely you experience it may have  LOT TO DO WITH YOUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND, RELIGIOUS UNBRINGING and HOW CONSERVATIVE YOUR FAMILY IS.

I'd love to hear from you NMNKs!

Did you vote?  Who did you vote for and WHY.  What party are you part of?

What legislation and laws do you think are needed to free NMNBK from discrimination?

Sister

I CAN BET NMNKs CAN DEAL WITH THE CORONAVIRUS-19 PANDEMIC BETTER THAN MOST PEOPLE

Dear Readers,

If you've just come to this BlogSpot for the first time or after a long while, I encourage you to read posts from the very beginning.  You'll find my personal experiences and opinions of course, but also links of interest.  This blog is a labor of love - and empathy - for others who have chosen the Never Married No Kids lifestyle.  Though it's more common than ever, I feel NMNK need support. It's here.

I'm betting that those NMNKs who are self quarantined or forced to stay at home are doing better than those who don't live alone or who are in relationships that require maintenance.  That's because I think people who are childless and never married - or perhaps alone because the house has cleared out of children and are widowed or divorced - can deal with all that aloneness much better.

Consider my friend who I called recently who started out by telling me she has not had a television in years, has a pile of books to read, meditates, and otherwise has a lot of small projects to complete.  Recently retired, this woman has not been married for many years, plans not to remarry again, never had children, and has only one relative alive to check in on her.  But she feels no concern because her chances of catching Corona-19 are slim, especially because she doesn't feel the need to go out, and she loves the time alone.

I recently heard a broadcast on the radio - I think it was a PBS station and if not a Public Radio or College station - that was of interest.  One person in Los Angeles out of five has no one to look in on them.  Some people were startled to hear that.  

The virus has forced the issue of Who To Call if it's an emergency.  Though some NMNK still have family or friends to look after them, there are those who have no plan of action, no one to call.  For some this is scary, for others who have had the money to pre-plan, not so much.  For those with no money and no plan, well - you are not alone. You might even be thinking that you don't want a funeral, you don't want fuss, you don't even want an obituary in the paper.  You love your privacy and wouldn't want an expensive funeral anyway.

I personally am not worried.  Concerned yes.  Concerned for humanity.

Am I fighting depression?  A little.  It's because I was concerned for humanity before the virus forced us to conduct ourselves in a way that is not natural or human and because in my brief time out of the house, when I accompany a senior friend of mine on outings, we have encountered domestic violence occurring in the vehicle ahead of us.  I've also heard a Hispanic man call a man who was driving without a mask a "Nigger."  The Hispanic man was not wearing a mask.  He was walking with earphones on. I really do not want the tension people feel to result in domestic violence or racial violence.

That I have a dog and walk daily makes a difference.  

I too have long lists of things I want to do with my time and have been doing with my time - especially trying new recipes challenged by the ingredients I already have in the house since I didn't want to be part of the hoarding and saw so many people not compliant with wearing masks around.  So I find new recipes on the Internet or YouTube and try them - some are delicious and worth keeping.

I'm sewing.  

I'm listening to audio books.  

I'm reading the news - maybe too much - but OK. 

I wrote a long letter to a public personality that I've been meaning to write for over a year and mailed it.

And so on.

How are you doing?

Sister

SEASONAL DEPRESSION and the NMNK - IT CAN HURT TO GO THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS WITH RELATIVES

Although I spent Thanksgiving in a part of Southern California that was relatively cold and damp, the fact that tourists go to the beach in December here isn't lost on me.  Especially not when much of the country is in for a horrible never ending cold and snowy winter. Which means that Seasonal Depression is more likely.  For those not in the know, Seasonal Depression is a depression thought to be caused by a lack of sunlight and it might even be tied in with the need for humans and animals to hibernate or at least slow down and stay indoors a while.  The longer and darker the winter is, the more likely people are also to indulge themselves in too much alcohol (and perhaps other drugs) in order to self treat for the Seasonal Depression.

Because the Holidays can be especially trying for NMNK's due to the expectation that the holidays, from Halloween to New Years be FAMILY HOLIDAYS, pressure to find a mate and/or have children and "start your own family" can be acute, and hey, maybe you do want those things and are already beating yourself up for not having a date, a marriage ready partner, or some other deficit, as you see it.... MAYBE YOU'RE READING THIS TO SEE WHAT SOMEONE WHO NEVER FELT A DRIVE TO FIND A HUSBAND OR A BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS LIKE. Well, love begins with you loving you.  I know that sounds like a corny song, but there's truth to it.

I'm lucky perhaps because while I doubt there's a person alive who has never felt blue or depressed (unless they're a sociopath who cannot feel) seasonal depression isn't something I experience.

But if you do, get out in the air and sunlight (or daylight) every day for at least 20 minutes, get some physical activity in every day, even if it's indoors, and before you go to sleep, count your lucky stars.  I always hear about people kept awake by active minds, cell phones, worries, or sleepless due to too much electric light, all to consider. Try to be moderate in your habits and not overindulge in self medicating.  Mostly, pull yourself out and away from people who don't respect your life choices.


C 2019  NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS BLOGSPOT

EMMA WATSON IS "SELF-PARTNERED"

WASHINGTON POST : EMMA WATSON - NEW DEFINITION OF SINGLE   by Lisa Bonos

EXCERPT:  Whether "self-partnered" speaks to you or not, it harks to the larger trnd of SOLOGAMY, or marrying oneself.  Japanese travel agencies offer "solo wedding' Packages....  A New York woman "married" her community...