TO MY NMNK READERS AROUND THE WORLD : WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE NMNK IN YOUR CULTURE?

TO MY NMNK READERS AROUND THE WORLD : WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE NMNK IN YOUR CULTURE?

I was looking at my readership which Google Blogger provides free in Statistics. I noticed that readers have been checking in from around the world. I would like to hear from some of you about what it's like to be NMNK in your country and culture. 

I have readers from the English speaking countries of US, UK, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand. English speaking countries tend to have the most modern western "liberal" attitudes. I also have readers from Germany, Russia, Sweden and Denmark : MY GUESS IS THAT IN THESE COUNTRIES THERE IS NOT SO MUCH PRESSURE TO MARRY AND HAVE CHILDREN, especially not while still in your twenties. 

Of these it is most difficult to get contraception in Russia. In the west we hear Russians are having many painful abortions because contraception is not so easily available and that even the diaphragm is not to western standards and painful to use for the woman. I also have readers who I suspect are having a more difficult time living the life they choose. These readers are in Ireland, Serbia, and Romania, where the difficulties of obtaining contraception and attitudes against abortion would make celibacy the only way to surely avoid pregnancy until married. Even more difficult, I suspect, is being NMNK in the countries of South Korea, Philippines, India, and Indonesia where some of my readers also read NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS on the Internet. 

My western understanding of the attitudes in these countries, especially towards women who remain unmarried (and are not in convents, nunneries, or monasteries) is that they face hostility. I've installed the latest GOOGLE TRANSLATOR to help you read this blog. If you want to leave a comment in your language, I will try to translate it also! 

Sister

(First published on May 21 2012) 

 

ASEXUALITY : A HOT TOPIC : HOW IT'S DIFFERENT FROM CELIBACY ?

ASEXUALITY : A HOT TOPIC : HOW IT'S DIFFERENT FROM CELIBACY ?

I get a whole lot of hits on my post about ASEXUAL CELEBRITIES. A person who is asexual feels as though they are devoid of sexual motivation or sexual nature. They may be a very loving person, a sensual person, but they just don't get into sex. They can love deeply but see no need or have little to no interest in taking that love into the physical. This is the perfect way to be if you're a person who is spiritually based and participating in religious life that requires celibacy. A person may be asexual for a while or for life. They may be married and have children but no longer be interested. CELIBACY is not participating in sexual contact with other people as a chosen lifestyle, at least temporarily (the sexual fast after a break up and before another involvement for instance.) The person might like sex, even love sex, but feel that for now it's time out. While many asexuals are celibate, many celibates struggle with attractions, despite their decisions. I think the difference is motivation or attitudes. NMNK is a blog for everyone who is NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS, and being asexual or celibate are two possible ways to be NMNK.

(First published June 12, 2012)

SOUL MATE: A DOCUMENTARY FILM ABOUT BLACK SINGLE WOMEN IN THE UNITED STATES

SOUL MATE: A DOCUMENTARY FILM ABOUT BLACK SINGLE WOMEN IN THE UNITED STATES

SOUL MATE a film by Andrea Wiley is C 2006 Clean Heart Production 

Review by Sister - NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS 

This is a documentary that focuses on successful, independent, beautiful, and Christian African American women, 40ish, who have never married and, listening to them speak, never had children. According to the stats which must have been from the 2000 U.S. census, 42.3% of Black women had never been married. Worse, and this is not according to the U.S. census, Black women are contracting HIV/AIDS from Black men on the low down (that means these men are also having sex with men, though they may be macho and not stereotypical or recognizable as gay), and bringing this home to their wives - a tragedy. First, the women in this film are exceptionally accomplished and well spoken about their thoughts and feelings about their lives. I don't know that they represent average African- American women. It's more like "if these women can't find husbands then who can?" One of the women who speaks is a Christian minister with a growing following while two of the men who speak are also Christian ministers. There is some take about "BC" as in Before Christian. Implied is that these women (and men) have taken a vow of celibacy until they are married. This is a vow to God and there is hope in these women that God will find them a husband or that they can accept His Will that they not be chosen for this role. Some are brave about their future. One breaks into tears of loneliness. Considering that so many African-American children are born outside marriage and don't have much fatherly presence in their lives, these women are holding out for a spiritual tradition and lifestyle that is less common than is being played out in the African-American communities where babies mamas and babies daddy are being played out. The African- American women I've met through the years expressed to me great frustration with African -American men, but also seemed to have a less entitled attitude than most Caucasian-American women I've met. I felt sorry for them because they seemed to have much less selection than Caucasian- American women. This is in part to the fact that African-American men marry Caucasian-American women at a rate five times higher than African-American women marry Caucasian-American men. This film also has a little bit about how slavery destroyed African-American families. However, personally, 150 years (a few generations from slavery) I think this has become an excuse. Many ethnic groups have had terrible struggles, for instance the Jewish-Americans who came as refugees due to the Holocaust, and simply, there has been time for African-Americans to address these issues in their culture. Coming from a heritage where poverty was no excuse for bad behavior of any sort, and certainly not for having children outside marriage, I think of this as a cultural problem that must be addressed within that culture. What I've heard about and observed is, sadly, African-American men taking full advantage of their rarity to exploit women who are desperate for them. I'm aware that telling a woman to hold out for a better sort of man in her life is telling her to remain celibate, single, and possibly childless. I personally think this is a better life than being married to Mr. Wrong or finding out you've been sharing a cheater with other women. The quality of this film was excellent. Watch it. You might have a different opinion!

(First published September 4, 2012)

NEIL DIAMOND : SOLITARY MAN

 

TRACY MCMILLAN : WHY YOU'RE NOT MARRIED : A REVIEW OF STEREOTYPES SHE BELIEVES IN (THIS WILL MAKE YOU ANGRY!)

TRACY MCMILLAN : WHY YOU'RE NOT MARRIED : A REVIEW OF STEREOTYPES SHE BELIEVES IN

This article, linked here, is by Tracy McMillan, and appeared in the Huffington Post, is called "WHY YOU'RE NOT MARRIED." Mcmillan is a single mother living in Los Angeles and the Huffington Post is owned by a woman who has been suspected of marrying a homosexual so that when the divorce came (inevitable) she'd be rich. The Quick List: You're a Bitch, You're Shallow, You're a Slut, You're a Liar, You're Selfish, You're Not Good Enough. (Ready to vomit?) If anger hasn't moved from your feet into your head by now, nothing will provoke you. McMillan is presenting all the worst "reasons" while holding out hope for us. NO SHE'S NOT A HUMORIST.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-youre-not-married_b_822088

(First published  April 10, 2012)

VISITING SOLO SENIORS : FAMILY OF CHOICE FAMILY OF FRIENDS

 VISITING SOLO SENIORS : FAMILY OF CHOICE FAMILY OF FRIENDS

One of the nicest things an NMNK can do is go visiting NMNK seniors.

I think we can learn a lot from those who are senior to us and many of us have parents or grandparents who have already passed away.  There is an increasing number of people who were only children who will go into their senior-hood without parents or siblings.  While some of these people have other blood relatives who may look in on them and be there to stand up for them, many depend(ed) on a FAMILY OF FRIENDS.

I first heard the terms FAMILY OF FRIENDS or FAMILY OF CHOICE (MADE UP OF FRIENDS) while having contact with many gay males in business.  I became friendly with some of these men and learned that though their family of birth had kicked them out because they were living a gay lifestyle (which usually meant no marriage, no children), they had formed family with others in the same situation.  They provided each other mutual support, but it wasn't all talk about problems, it was actually BEING THERE for each other through unemployment, hospitalizations, and so on.

Why not go to a senior building or assisted living in your area and volunteer, or ask the staff if you can be involved in casually visiting seniors there?  Maybe take your dog too.

You may make some friends - of choice.

(First posted on June 6, 2013)

SUSAN JACOBY 'S NEVER SAY DIE TELLS THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING OLD ALONE BROKE and ILL

SUSAN JACOBY 'S  NEVER SAY DIE TELLS THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING OLD ALONE BROKE and ILL

VIDEO EXPIRED taken down Nov 2023

Linking to a YouTube video in which author Susan Jacoby explains her viewpoint. Will our old age be so different than that of our parents or grandparents? New Agism has taken over. Just read a devastating book, written by a secular humanist Susan Jacoby, who looks at the facts not the spin on old age. NEVER SAY DIE, THE MYTH AND MARKETING of THE NEW OLD AGE, put out by Pantheon Books this year, looks at issues like Baby Boomer finances (especially severe for old women), Alzheimer's, and other issues that the people promoting 80 as the new 50 don't want you to try on. While reading this book I was thinking of the recession we're in and the fact that many women never have the kind of employers who provide retirements. So many are already hurting, already working hard and unable to save. I was thinking that fear of being alone and broke in old age IS STILL NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO HAVE CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF YOU IN OLD AGE . In visiting seniors living in retirement homes, board and cares, and nursing homes, I already know that many of those who had children - and grandchildren - still do not get the visits they need. I notice those ads that have vital active and young looking grey haired seniors enjoying their retirement years. They rarely seem to show real residents, people with walkers and wheel chairs. This book is not light summer reading, but it is reading that will make you think and activate.

Sister

(First published  August 30, 2011)

OUR ENEMY DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER / PARENTHOOD BY PROXY

OUR ENEMY DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER / PARENTHOOD BY PROXY

Flipping through... Dr. Laura Schlessinger Parenthood By Proxy DON'T HAVE THEM IF YOU WON'T RAISE THEM C 2000 Cliff Street Books... 

Tripped across this one on the library shelves today and was intrigued by the DON'T HAVE THEM IF YOU WON'T RAISE THEM subtitle. And she's right that you don't get to resign from parenthood. Of course, anyone who listens to Dr. Laura's radio program, which is broadcast across the nation knows that she is ALSO AGAINST ABORTION, suggesting to anyone who cannot afford to raise a child that they should give that child up for adoption, and that she is AGAINST SINGLE PARENTHOOD as well. She frequently advises couples to stay together to raise a child, a kind of "You made a baby now you are stuck in an unhappy marriage attitude." BUT THEN AGAIN, I often think that her callers already know what she is going to say... REST ASSURED Dr. Laura IS THE NEVER MARRIED NO CHILDREN ENEMY. I've heard her tell people who have just gotten married to SHUN their still single friends. She doesn't really have any use for those of us who choose to remain unmarried and childless... She doesn't have any regard for us.

(First published October 14, 2008)

Note: She is no longer on the air!

HUMOR : HOW TO LOOSE YOUR VIRGINITY : HUMOR

HUMOR : HOW TO LOOSE YOUR VIRGINITY  
 I thought this was funny and I bet you will too...

JOAN ARMITRADING : ME MYSELF I

JOAN ARMITRADING : ME MYSELF I

(First posted March 25, 2012)

GOING SOLO BY ERIC KLINENBERG : NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS BOOK REVIEW

C 2012 Eric Klinenberg The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone Published by Penguin Press 

This is the best book I've read about being single and living alone that has come out in a long time. The approach the author, Eric Klinenberg takes, is to look at singles in society and he did a lot of interviewing to get his information. Going Solo includes chapters on aging alone, and the poor who are living alone in Single Room Occupancy type apartments who don't socialize with their neighbors, hoping to protect themselves. It is that chapter that I found most impressive. (Pages 111 -112) ...

"Some of the affluent and middle-class people we interviewed acknowledged that they'd sought out a place of their own to avoid toxic relationships, or to escape from a community that took more than it gave. The disadvantaged men we interviewed were even more likely to report motivations like this. For them, living alone can easily lead to a dangerous extremes, resulting not only in domestic autonomy but also in reclusiveness, hoarding, and other antisocial behaviors that turn one's safe house into a tomb. Even more judicious forms of social withdrawal may lead to a kind of miserable security, as in the case of many of the ex-convicts, substance abusers, and the unemployed men who take refuge in single-room-occupancy hotels and cheap efficiency apartments to avoid friends and family whose company brings more trouble that it's worth. Living alone is a way to protect the self, yet it also risks imperiling it, and it;'s no surprise that people in good physical, emotional, and financial health, are better able to find the right balance than those who are sick or poor. For those with financial security, a busy schedule, and a dense social network, living alone can be productive because it offers access to privacy, restoration, and personal development. But for the vulnerable it more often leads to what Berkeley sociologist Sandra Smith calls "defensive individualism," a dangerous state that fosters distrust toward other people and institutions, and ultimately toward the self as well." As the author points out early in the book (Page 3) 

"During the past half century , our species has embarked on a remarkable social experiment. For the first time in human history, great numbers of people - at all ages, in all places, of every political persuasion - have begun settling down as singletons." (Page 5) 

"Today more than 50 percent of American adults are single, and 31 million - roughly one out of eery seven adults - live alone. (This figure excludes the 8 million Americans who live in voluntary and non-voluntary group quarters, such as assisted living facilities, nursing homes, and prisons.) People who live alone make up 28% of all U.S. households, which means that they are not tied with childless couples as the most prominent residential type - more common than the nuclear family, the multi-generational family, and the roommate or group home. Surprisingly, living alone is also one of the most stable household arrangements... Contemporary solo dwellers are primarily women; about 17 million, compared to 14 million men... This one is worth your spare time to read! 

Sister / Never Married No Kids C 2012 All Rights Reserved including Internet and International Rights

(First published on September 24, 2012)

I MEET A 71 YEAR OLD VIRGIN AT THE GROCER! (AND THE 22 YEAR OLD VIRGIN MASS MURDERER - UC SANTA BARBARA!)

 I MEET A 71 YEAR OLD VIRGIN AT THE GROCER!  (AND THE 22 YEAR OLD VIRGIN MASS MURDERER - UC SANTA BARBARA!)

She was one of several of us who were in the back of the grocer looking at discounted products.  We got to talking about the latest mass murderer (not serial killer) the 22 year old virgin who killed 6 and then himself, and left another dozen or so wounded in the town Isla Vista near UC Santa Barbara.  I said "SO WHAT HE WAS A 22 YEAR OLD VIRGIN! Used to be that just about everyone who wasn't married by 22 was a virgin.  Plenty of really intelligent people wait until they are old enough for responsibility to have sex!"

She blurted "Well, I'm a 71 year old virgin!"

I said, " CONGRATULATIONS!"

She said "I never married because I was always someone's CAREGIVER!  Now that I'm retired my income is too low to go out and meet people."

I suggested a senior center in the next town that has some good inexpensive trips for 55 and over.

YOU KNOW SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST FEEL LIKE SHARING WITH FRIENDLY STRANGERS!

By the way, she looked 10 years younger at least.  This is something I've observed in the NMNK.  Many look much younger than they are.  Having and raising children, especially if you also work full time, is stressful and aging.

I supposed we will have to include the 22 year old virgin mass murderer as NMNK!

(First posed on  June 7, 2014)

LIZA MINNELLI : OLD FRIEND and LIVE ALONE AND LIKE IT

LIZA MINNELLI : OLD FRIEND and LIVE ALONE AND LIKE IT

(First published September 14, 2012)

VALENTINES DAY NIGHTMARE? OR A CELEBRATION OF FRIENDSHIP?

(first posted February 6, 2008)

Valentines Day is a nightmare for many NMNK. It's the height of the season for romance and you don't have any, not that you really mind, but you can feel acute condemnation about now from all those people who think your Big Mistake was not getting married.

Fortunately Valentines Day is NOT JUST FOR THE COUPLES. It is a day to express love and appreciation for ANYONE in our lives who is special.

Why Not Send Out a Dozen Valentines to Friends?

ELLEN PECK'S BABY TRAP HELPED ME DECIDE

ELLEN PECK'S BABY TRAP HELPED ME DECIDE

MINNESOTA PUBLIC RADIO - ABOUT ELLEN PECK AND THE BABY TRAP link

 She used the term "non-parent."

I once had a brochure by the group Ellen founded, the non-parents, that was full of questions a  person should ask themselves to help themselves decide if they wanted a baby now or at all.  I can't recall how I came to possess it.  One of the questions was "Do I want a child only if it is a girl or only if it is a boy child?" 

I realized early that I was not ready to parent.  Realizing the responsibility - especially financial - that I was not up to, I decided to either use contraception or avoid sex because abortion was not an option.  (Today I am pro-Choice.  I know contraception is not perfect.  I've met people who got pregnant anyway, despite using the Pill, the Diaphram, the IUD, even someone who got pregnant after a Tubal!) 

I left the option open that maybe if I married, and had a good marriage, after some time I might change my mind, but I always told men I was dating that I didn't think I wanted any children.  That may have hurt my prospects, but so be it. 

As the years went by, I realized that I did not want to be a mother, even if I married someone who could afford a nanny. 

KYLIE MINOGUE : FINER FEELINGS

KYLIE MINOGUE : FINER FEELINGS

LET THE LADIES AGAINST WOMEN REMIND YOU...

A YouTube presentation, film by Tim Wessel.

Let the Ladies Against Women REMIND YOU of some of the reasons MARRIAGE has been a raw deal for women, and what feminism is about. This is a 2003 performance of the Ladies Against Women, who also perform in parades such as the Do Da Parade that is held in Pasadena, California - a remedy for the Rose Bowl.

Seriously though, did you form a bad opinion about marriage due to feminist enlightenment?

(First posted on Feb 2, 2008)

ASEXUALITY : A HOT TOPIC : HOW IT'S DIFFERENT FROM CELIBACY ?

 ASEXUALITY : A HOT TOPIC : HOW IT'S DIFFERENT FROM CELIBACY ?

I get a whole lot of hits on my post about ASEXUAL CELEBRITIES. A person who is asexual feels as though they are devoid of sexual motivation or sexual nature. They may be a very loving person, a sensual person, but they just don't get into sex. They can love deeply but see no need or have little to no interest in taking that love into the physical. This is the perfect way to be if you're a person who is spiritually based and participating in religious life that requires celibacy. A person may be asexual for a while or for life. They may be married and have children but no longer be interested. CELIBACY is not participating in sexual contact with other people as a chosen lifestyle, at least temporarily (the sexual fast after a break up and before another involvement for instance.) The person might like sex, even love sex, but feel that for now it's time out. While many asexuals are celibate, many celibates struggle with attractions, despite their decisions. I think the difference is motivation or attitudes. NMNK is a blog for everyone who is NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS, and being asexual or celibate are two possible ways to be NMNK.

(First published June 12, 2012)

JULIAN LENNON : NMNK : OUTLIVING THE LEGACY OF A DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD

JULIAN LENNON : NMNK : OUTLIVING THE LEGACY OF A DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD

The son of once-upon-a-time Beatle, John Lennon and his first wife, Cynthia, Julian Lennon has said publicly that he thinks he hasn't married or had children because of what he went through as the child.   linking here to an article from The Telegraph, an English newspaper online : JULIAN LENNON BLAMES FATHER JOHN LENNON : NO CHILDREN : NO MARRIAGE

An excerpt
"Julian has, however, also shown understanding of his father’s situation – in particular the fact that he was a young parent who had himself endured a difficult childhood. John Lennon went 20 years without seeing his father Alfred and grew up living with his aunt Mimi, not his mother Julia.

Julian Lennon has also had difficult relationships with Yoko Ono and Sean Lennon, Yoko and John’s son.... "

(First published April 26, 2012)

DR EMILIA SAM'S GROWN WOMAN's OATH

DR EMILIA SAM'S GROWN WOMAN's OATH

EMELIA SAM - THE GROWN WOMAN'S OATH


I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT EMILIA - IS SHE NMNK?

 

(First Published  April 14, 2014)