(First posted March 25, 2012)
Showing posts with label Singletons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Singletons. Show all posts
2/10/23
2/6/23
VALENTINES DAY NIGHTMARE? OR A CELEBRATION OF FRIENDSHIP?
(first posted February 6, 2008)
Valentines Day is a nightmare for many NMNK. It's the height of the season for romance and you don't have any, not that you really mind, but you can feel acute condemnation about now from all those people who think your Big Mistake was not getting married.Fortunately Valentines Day is NOT JUST FOR THE COUPLES. It is a day to express love and appreciation for ANYONE in our lives who is special.
Why Not Send Out a Dozen Valentines to Friends?
2/4/23
ELLEN PECK'S BABY TRAP HELPED ME DECIDE
ELLEN PECK'S BABY TRAP HELPED ME DECIDE
She used the term "non-parent."
I once had a brochure by the group Ellen founded, the non-parents, that was full of questions a person should ask themselves to help themselves decide if they wanted a baby now or at all. I can't recall how I came to possess it. One of the questions was "Do I want a child only if it is a girl or only if it is a boy child?"
I realized early that I was not ready to parent. Realizing the responsibility - especially financial - that I was not up to, I decided to either use contraception or avoid sex because abortion was not an option. (Today I am pro-Choice. I know contraception is not perfect. I've met people who got pregnant anyway, despite using the Pill, the Diaphram, the IUD, even someone who got pregnant after a Tubal!)
I left the option open that maybe if I married, and had a good marriage, after some time I might change my mind, but I always told men I was dating that I didn't think I wanted any children. That may have hurt my prospects, but so be it.
As the years went by, I realized that I did not want to be a mother, even if I married someone who could afford a nanny.
2/3/23
2/2/23
LET THE LADIES AGAINST WOMEN REMIND YOU...
A YouTube presentation, film by Tim Wessel.
Let the Ladies Against Women REMIND YOU of some of the reasons MARRIAGE has been a raw deal for women, and what feminism is about. This is a 2003 performance of the Ladies Against Women, who also perform in parades such as the Do Da Parade that is held in Pasadena, California - a remedy for the Rose Bowl.
Seriously though, did you form a bad opinion about marriage due to feminist enlightenment?
Let the Ladies Against Women REMIND YOU of some of the reasons MARRIAGE has been a raw deal for women, and what feminism is about. This is a 2003 performance of the Ladies Against Women, who also perform in parades such as the Do Da Parade that is held in Pasadena, California - a remedy for the Rose Bowl.
Seriously though, did you form a bad opinion about marriage due to feminist enlightenment?
(First posted on Feb 2, 2008)
1/31/23
ASEXUALITY : A HOT TOPIC : HOW IT'S DIFFERENT FROM CELIBACY ?
ASEXUALITY : A HOT TOPIC : HOW IT'S DIFFERENT FROM CELIBACY ?
(First published June 12, 2012)
1/30/23
JULIAN LENNON : NMNK : OUTLIVING THE LEGACY OF A DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD
JULIAN LENNON : NMNK : OUTLIVING THE LEGACY OF A DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD
The son of once-upon-a-time Beatle, John Lennon and his first wife, Cynthia, Julian Lennon has said publicly that he thinks he hasn't married or had children because of what he went through as the child. linking here to an article from The Telegraph, an English newspaper online : JULIAN LENNON BLAMES FATHER JOHN LENNON : NO CHILDREN : NO MARRIAGE
An excerpt
"Julian has, however, also shown understanding of his father’s situation – in particular the fact that he was a young parent who had himself endured a difficult childhood. John Lennon went 20 years without seeing his father Alfred and grew up living with his aunt Mimi, not his mother Julia.
Julian Lennon has also had difficult relationships with Yoko Ono and Sean Lennon, Yoko and John’s son.... "
An excerpt
"Julian has, however, also shown understanding of his father’s situation – in particular the fact that he was a young parent who had himself endured a difficult childhood. John Lennon went 20 years without seeing his father Alfred and grew up living with his aunt Mimi, not his mother Julia.
Julian Lennon has also had difficult relationships with Yoko Ono and Sean Lennon, Yoko and John’s son.... "
(First published April 26, 2012)
1/27/23
FIFTEENTH BIRTHDAY of NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS - AN INTENTIONAL COMMUNITY : A CELEBRATION of THE BEST OF!
It was January 27, 2008 when first published a post on this blog, dedicate to the expose of what being NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS WAS ALL ABOUT. Though this blog has been changed visually a few times, it has always been consistent about the INTENT.
I asked this question :
WHO ARE WE?
Are these just STEREOTYPES of the NMNK?
INDEPENDENT, TOO INDEPENDENT, DEPENDENT?
HERMITS, FEMINISTS, VIRGINS?
DIFFERENTLY-ABLED, ECCENTRIC, SPOILED, SELFISH?
CELIBATE, REPRESSED, SWINGER?
STRAIGHT, BENT, GAY, BISEXUAL, QUESTIONING?
PRIESTS, NUNS, MONASTICS?
SPINSTERS, CONFIRMED BACHELOR, LONERS?
For me personally, there have been times when I was put on the defensive that having this blog to write was helpful. I do hope that posts that I made in the past have helped some of you determine where you fit in this... by CHOICE or by FATE. I hope some of you have realized YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
For those of you who have married and had children, I hope that finding this blog has helped you gain some understanding and empathy
In order to celebrate this event, I have gone through those fifteen years of posts to find the "Best Of." I've taken down some of the earliest years of the blog that appeared in 2008 through 2012 in order to feature these posts in the present. So for the next 60 days there will be a a whole lot of posting.
Thank You for Coming By!
Sister
COMMENTS REMAIN ON AS THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN!
6/3/21
NORMALIZE UNMARRIED WOMEN WEARING RINGS ON THAT WEDDING BAND FINGER
DAILY MAIL : MINDY KALING : RING FINGER NEEDS LIBERATION Wow Daily Mail UK has actually had two articles in recent days that relate to our topic here. This article by Sameer Suri tells about Mindy's sense of privacy. She is the mother of two children but their paternity is a secret.
She recently used twitter to tweet: NORMALIZE UNMARRIED WOMEN WEARING RINGS ON THEIR RING FINGER WITHOUT A HUBBUB.
'
5/5/21
THE HORROR OF THE CARD GAME "OLD MAID"
I was shocked when friends of mine, a happily married couple who are HOMESCHOOLING their grandchildren, both with advanced college degrees ( a Masters and a Doctorate) and as WOKE as one can get, decided it would be appropriate to teach their granddaughters the card game OLD MAID. The object of this classic card game is to not be the one "left out" so it teaches the "normality" of marriage and basically enforces OUT DATED NOTIONS THAT IT IS UNDESIREABLE TO BE UNMARRIED, especially if you are a female. I was so stunned I blurted, "Don't be POLITICALLY INCORRECT. Be sure to teach them OLD BACHELOR!"
Really, there is no reason anyone should be teaching their children, whatever gender, that if you don't marry you're a looser.
By the way, this couple have one of the best marriages I've ever known of.
C 2021 NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS
8/13/20
RADIO TALK SHOW HOSTS SEE NOT HAVING FAMILY AND CHILDREN AS PROOF OF MENTAL INSTABILITY AND CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR
Damn! I'm so glad I have this blog to rant on.
By the way, I'm fine.
I was listening to a talk show on the radio, station KFI, for a short while the other day. The hosts (men) actually were talking against people who do not have marriages and families. These men are conservative over all, however, what I was hearing was disgusting.
I THOUGHT, what if every NMNK person who reads this called the station and said that this anti singleton, anti childless by choice rhetoric is bigotry and discrimination. ???
These men were trying to figure out what kind of people indulge themselves in violent protests.
I'll admit that not having a spouse or partner or children to think of might make a person feel that if they get hurt physically or die or get arrested and make themselves unemployable, it wouldn't hurt those people. But just about everyone has some family - is a child or parents, a sibling, has nieces or nephews, had friends, or is connected to others in some way.
Some people are better at loving humanity than individuals.
Some find working and raising a family so exhausting they have nothing left to give when it comes to volunteer work, civic duties, or any form of protest.
I myself am NMNK and do not regret it. I have never been involved in any violent protests. I actually think protests may be ineffective, especially because there are so many ways to use the e-media to get your opinions out there and voice heard.
If you are truly independent, not able to count on anyone but yourself for financial support, you're going to think about becoming unemployable.
These talk show hosts are simply out of touch with reality.
They're especially out of touch with women who have put their careers first as if you look into it you're going to see that for the first generations of feminists many did not have children because career building took all they had and they knew it.
Never have a child to prove to anyone that you are "normal."
By the way, I'm fine.
I was listening to a talk show on the radio, station KFI, for a short while the other day. The hosts (men) actually were talking against people who do not have marriages and families. These men are conservative over all, however, what I was hearing was disgusting.
I THOUGHT, what if every NMNK person who reads this called the station and said that this anti singleton, anti childless by choice rhetoric is bigotry and discrimination. ???
These men were trying to figure out what kind of people indulge themselves in violent protests.
I'll admit that not having a spouse or partner or children to think of might make a person feel that if they get hurt physically or die or get arrested and make themselves unemployable, it wouldn't hurt those people. But just about everyone has some family - is a child or parents, a sibling, has nieces or nephews, had friends, or is connected to others in some way.
Some people are better at loving humanity than individuals.
Some find working and raising a family so exhausting they have nothing left to give when it comes to volunteer work, civic duties, or any form of protest.
I myself am NMNK and do not regret it. I have never been involved in any violent protests. I actually think protests may be ineffective, especially because there are so many ways to use the e-media to get your opinions out there and voice heard.
If you are truly independent, not able to count on anyone but yourself for financial support, you're going to think about becoming unemployable.
These talk show hosts are simply out of touch with reality.
They're especially out of touch with women who have put their careers first as if you look into it you're going to see that for the first generations of feminists many did not have children because career building took all they had and they knew it.
Never have a child to prove to anyone that you are "normal."
1/15/20
WHY ARE MEN UNMARRIED ? LACK OF SOCIAL SKILLS IS JUST THE BEGINNING!
PHYS ORG : REASONS MEN ARE SINGLE ACCORDING TO REDDIT 2018
According to this article, the type of men who would have been married in the days when marriages were arranged are not now because they lack social skills. I do think that a lack of social skills can mean being dateless or friendless. Shortness or Baldness where another problem for the men who answered the questionnaire. In my experience shortness and baldness are simply excuses. Another excuse I've heard men claim to be a problem for them is that American women are just too demanding (but the men who claimed this also seemed to always have to have their own way.)
EXCERPT: Up to 35% of people in North American and European societies are single or live on their own.
According to this article, the type of men who would have been married in the days when marriages were arranged are not now because they lack social skills. I do think that a lack of social skills can mean being dateless or friendless. Shortness or Baldness where another problem for the men who answered the questionnaire. In my experience shortness and baldness are simply excuses. Another excuse I've heard men claim to be a problem for them is that American women are just too demanding (but the men who claimed this also seemed to always have to have their own way.)
EXCERPT: Up to 35% of people in North American and European societies are single or live on their own.
1/1/20
S IS FOR SINGLE
Be proud to be SINGLE with no sense of SHAME !
Keep a crummy marriage? Now that's INSANE!
I first posted this in 2009!
2/14/19
8/16/17
BIG FAMILIES ARE NOT CLOSE FAMILIES - THE LOGISTICS PREVENT IT
The other day I was home in bed, not feeling well, and my mind turned to some of the horrors of relatives who do not approve of my lifestyle. A sick body can make your thinking sick and visa versa.
You can page through this blog and read about some of this, from surprise matchmaking to an aunt who PR's against me as someone who "doesn't even hold a baby."
I started handwriting it out. And I realized a simple reason why I don't have a close connection with most of my relatives.
THERE WERE TOO MANY OF THEM.
Both of my parents came from BIG FAMILIES. I never did understand the alliances they made (or not) with certain siblings, but it seemed birth order or age related. Basically, if your oldest brother is already married and has established a family in another state before you are born, you're not likely to be close. I'm unaware of any real rivalries or issues between them and their siblings. It's more like how it worked out.
When I was growing up, we tended to mostly visit wherever the grandparent had been taken in. The children who took in parents had to accept that maybe all their siblings would visit there to see the grandparent. As a result, I got to know these aunts and uncles best because visiting their home, we were likely to encounter other relatives.
I was impossible though to even visit with each and every family, not even once a year. The logistics were impossible and many of my aunts and uncles also had larger families (though not larger than the families they were from.) Some of them may have even used contraception to limit the number of children they had, none had as many as the family they were from.
After a while we became "weddings and funerals" kind of family.
So over time I got to know about four families, two on each side, somewhat.
In the end it seems no one is both alive and close.
THEN THERE ARE MY FRIENDS WHO COME FROM SMALL FAMILIES; two or three siblings max, maybe four aunts and uncles - and their spouses. They all seem to be so much more close - and functioning as families.
THIS THEN MAY BE AN ARGUEMENT FOR SMALL FAMILIES.
Of course small families can also be dysfunctional or cousins who substitute in for siblings can be a problem
One of my friends is an only child and since her father deserted them, her stepfather who her mom married when she was already near 12, is the only father she has known. She has a cousin who is also an only child, who married and had two children who were born disabled. As things stand, my friend's step father is now supporting this cousin and the two children, as he's the only family member who has enough income to do so. She wonders if there is going to be any money left for an inheritance that she would need to actually retire.
Then there is a friend, also an only child, who was used to two parents basically always considering her opinion. I wouldn't say she was spoiled but I'd say this was privilege. She married the favorite son of two hovering parents, and their marriage was full of Power Struggles and Conflict, as they both wanted their way and he wasn't even considering her opinion. Finally, he won and she let him, but her vitality has deflated. I don't think she's happy.
So is this the future for most only children? Is having siblings important to being socialized or considerate of others or capable of compromise?
You can page through this blog and read about some of this, from surprise matchmaking to an aunt who PR's against me as someone who "doesn't even hold a baby."
I started handwriting it out. And I realized a simple reason why I don't have a close connection with most of my relatives.
THERE WERE TOO MANY OF THEM.
Both of my parents came from BIG FAMILIES. I never did understand the alliances they made (or not) with certain siblings, but it seemed birth order or age related. Basically, if your oldest brother is already married and has established a family in another state before you are born, you're not likely to be close. I'm unaware of any real rivalries or issues between them and their siblings. It's more like how it worked out.
When I was growing up, we tended to mostly visit wherever the grandparent had been taken in. The children who took in parents had to accept that maybe all their siblings would visit there to see the grandparent. As a result, I got to know these aunts and uncles best because visiting their home, we were likely to encounter other relatives.
I was impossible though to even visit with each and every family, not even once a year. The logistics were impossible and many of my aunts and uncles also had larger families (though not larger than the families they were from.) Some of them may have even used contraception to limit the number of children they had, none had as many as the family they were from.
After a while we became "weddings and funerals" kind of family.
So over time I got to know about four families, two on each side, somewhat.
In the end it seems no one is both alive and close.
THEN THERE ARE MY FRIENDS WHO COME FROM SMALL FAMILIES; two or three siblings max, maybe four aunts and uncles - and their spouses. They all seem to be so much more close - and functioning as families.
THIS THEN MAY BE AN ARGUEMENT FOR SMALL FAMILIES.
Of course small families can also be dysfunctional or cousins who substitute in for siblings can be a problem
One of my friends is an only child and since her father deserted them, her stepfather who her mom married when she was already near 12, is the only father she has known. She has a cousin who is also an only child, who married and had two children who were born disabled. As things stand, my friend's step father is now supporting this cousin and the two children, as he's the only family member who has enough income to do so. She wonders if there is going to be any money left for an inheritance that she would need to actually retire.
Then there is a friend, also an only child, who was used to two parents basically always considering her opinion. I wouldn't say she was spoiled but I'd say this was privilege. She married the favorite son of two hovering parents, and their marriage was full of Power Struggles and Conflict, as they both wanted their way and he wasn't even considering her opinion. Finally, he won and she let him, but her vitality has deflated. I don't think she's happy.
So is this the future for most only children? Is having siblings important to being socialized or considerate of others or capable of compromise?
10/14/15
MATCHMAKE YOURSELF? TWO YEARS OF BLISS and then ON YOUR NERVES?
The other night I told a friend of mine that I'd been thinking of a writing a list of questions which I could hand out to anyone who thinks they want to have a relationship with me. I mean men, who if they answer enough questions right could be friends with me or if they answered ALL the questions right, could actually have a Relationship with me, or at least start one. The reason for this is that suddenly I've attracted three potential Relationships with men I've met in recent months. I see how easy it is for having flowing conversations, a few laughs, or a good time, can make people skip over all the important issues, and become too involved, and then break up anyway.
WHO NEEDS THAT?
I decided the list of questions would be, not tricky, but the reader would not necessarily know where I was coming from so they couldn't guess what answers I hoped for. I would warn them to be honest since they had no idea.
The inspiration for this idea was a recent article that explained why everything you like or love about a person WILL BE ON YOUR NERVES in two years. Well, what happens is that the characteristic you liked or loved seems exaggerated at that point. He was neat. Now he's excessively neat and on your back about dishes in the sink. You loved her long hair. Now you go crazy waiting the two hours it takes for her to shampoo, condition, set, and comb out before you go out. Etc.
So I'm not going to tell you all the questions on my list. I'm going to tell you ONE and encourage you to make your own list, if you think that you'll have the courage to actually present it upon someone new in your life.
1) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LAS VEGAS?
WHO NEEDS THAT?
I decided the list of questions would be, not tricky, but the reader would not necessarily know where I was coming from so they couldn't guess what answers I hoped for. I would warn them to be honest since they had no idea.
The inspiration for this idea was a recent article that explained why everything you like or love about a person WILL BE ON YOUR NERVES in two years. Well, what happens is that the characteristic you liked or loved seems exaggerated at that point. He was neat. Now he's excessively neat and on your back about dishes in the sink. You loved her long hair. Now you go crazy waiting the two hours it takes for her to shampoo, condition, set, and comb out before you go out. Etc.
So I'm not going to tell you all the questions on my list. I'm going to tell you ONE and encourage you to make your own list, if you think that you'll have the courage to actually present it upon someone new in your life.
1) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LAS VEGAS?
10/23/13
THE LIE THAT YOU CAN'T MAKE A COMMITMENT
ARE PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO BE NMNK really unable to make a commitment to another person. Is that the "real reason" the person is unmarried, maybe even unable to venture into relationships?
This idea is popular among THERAPISTS who at this point believe that everyone is diagnosable and with every diagnosis there is a medication to take, though in this case "fear of commitment" will likely respond to an antidepressant!
Here is how it goes. You seek therapy because you are unhappy. Most often you are unhappy because of your relationships. The therapist wants to dig first of all into your relationship with your parents, then your siblings, and so on. But you know, there are some situations that are not worth fixing, that are best to give up on, though that may be painful.
As I see it, anyone who ruins their own life blaming their parents for it, is probably just using that as an excuse. Maybe in your twenties but when is the turning point? I know someone who is now near 60 who is still explaining to women he goes on dates with about his parent's bad marriage. Please!
This idea, that you may not want to be married as a problem with commitment, is also popular among family members and friends who want to be embarrassed by their children and friends who are living what they consider to be an unconventional lifestyle. I would guess there are those who would rather say their son or daughter is in a committed gay relationship than say that there child is simply NMNK!
Yes, I believe these things because over time I've experienced hearing people make excuses for me, when no excuses are/were needed. I've heard things - usually not to my face - but around.
For instance, a relative of mine, someone who in the end proved to be deceitful, decided to introduce me to a man who while educated and handsome was looking for a wife so he could stay in the United States. Yes, he was "age appropriate."
Since then I have been approached just walking down the street by men from Israel, India, Iran, who must be looking for women who are not wearing wedding rings, looking for someone to marry their friend, to keep him in the country! These people who are from more traditional religions or cultures actually have tried to sell me on marrying them as if this marriage of convenience would be good for me! Excuse me?
She invited him to a THANKSGIVING DINNER that she knew I would attend and didn't even have the respect to ask me if I wanted an introduction before hand, so there I went and it was so embarrassing! First of all, I'm not a pawn in her schemes and secondly, she showed no respect for what I had said about myself and my interests in conversations with her previously. I said I was not interested in having children. She told this man I was "family oriented."
SO SHE APOLOGIZED TO THIS MAN SAYING THAT I HAD A FEAR OF COMMITMENT!
I don't believe that people who really have a fear of commitment are able to commit to much at all. Me, I've been committed to jobs, pet ownership, and my family of origin.
This idea is popular among THERAPISTS who at this point believe that everyone is diagnosable and with every diagnosis there is a medication to take, though in this case "fear of commitment" will likely respond to an antidepressant!
Here is how it goes. You seek therapy because you are unhappy. Most often you are unhappy because of your relationships. The therapist wants to dig first of all into your relationship with your parents, then your siblings, and so on. But you know, there are some situations that are not worth fixing, that are best to give up on, though that may be painful.
As I see it, anyone who ruins their own life blaming their parents for it, is probably just using that as an excuse. Maybe in your twenties but when is the turning point? I know someone who is now near 60 who is still explaining to women he goes on dates with about his parent's bad marriage. Please!
This idea, that you may not want to be married as a problem with commitment, is also popular among family members and friends who want to be embarrassed by their children and friends who are living what they consider to be an unconventional lifestyle. I would guess there are those who would rather say their son or daughter is in a committed gay relationship than say that there child is simply NMNK!
Yes, I believe these things because over time I've experienced hearing people make excuses for me, when no excuses are/were needed. I've heard things - usually not to my face - but around.
For instance, a relative of mine, someone who in the end proved to be deceitful, decided to introduce me to a man who while educated and handsome was looking for a wife so he could stay in the United States. Yes, he was "age appropriate."
Since then I have been approached just walking down the street by men from Israel, India, Iran, who must be looking for women who are not wearing wedding rings, looking for someone to marry their friend, to keep him in the country! These people who are from more traditional religions or cultures actually have tried to sell me on marrying them as if this marriage of convenience would be good for me! Excuse me?
She invited him to a THANKSGIVING DINNER that she knew I would attend and didn't even have the respect to ask me if I wanted an introduction before hand, so there I went and it was so embarrassing! First of all, I'm not a pawn in her schemes and secondly, she showed no respect for what I had said about myself and my interests in conversations with her previously. I said I was not interested in having children. She told this man I was "family oriented."
SO SHE APOLOGIZED TO THIS MAN SAYING THAT I HAD A FEAR OF COMMITMENT!
I don't believe that people who really have a fear of commitment are able to commit to much at all. Me, I've been committed to jobs, pet ownership, and my family of origin.
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