SENIORS WHO GAVE THEIR CHILDREN "EVERYTHING" and STILL DO NOT GET VISITS

I was talking to someone about this the other day and they said, "Sister, you do not know what the relationships were like. Maybe these parents abused their children and don't deserve a relationship."  He had a point, but as a NMNK I have looked in on a few seniors in my neighborhood who went to live in Assisted Living.  I looked in on people who

NEVER MARRIED OR HAD KIDS

Had children who were disabled and were in some way not capable.

Had children who hated them; sometimes the reasons were questionable.  Such as the woman whose daughter hated her because she also had a son who was ill and needed her attention much more.

Had children who were given cars, college educations, and help financing starter homes, but who still rarely visited their parents.

That the children were "too busy" or "have their own life," were the reasons given.

I just thought that maybe these children were only too glad they didn't have to take time off from their jobs or careers or their travel or whatever because their parents were in what was considered a safe place.

However even the so called "exclusive" building was not a great. For instance, at one place they had chicken almost every night for dinner, there was theft going on and it was probably staff blaming residents, and I walked in on an employee having a very long personal phone conversation who let the front desk - and taking calls from residents go without attendance.

I'm meeting more only children who have the full responsibility for BOTH parents as they age now.

One woman has parents who divorced, a mom with memory loss, who are in two different places.  She is NMNK and burdened with this unshared responsibility though she is intelligent, educated, and loves her parents.

Without judgement on what sort of relationship a parent has with their children,  I can say that HAVING CHILDREN IS NO GUARANTEE THAT THEY WILL BE ALIVE, WELL, INTERESTED IN YOU, or THERE FOR YOU IN SICKNESS and in AGE.

HAVING CHILDREN ONLY BECAUSE YOU THINK SOMEONE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU GET OLD is NOT A REASON TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Sister

VICIOUS SENIORS TARGET CHILDLESS BUT WIDOWED EX WOMAN EXECUTIVE - SHUN HER

VICIOUS SENIORS TARGET CHILDLESS BUT WIDOWED EX WOMAN EXECUTIVE - SHUN HER

Vicious?

I have a bad memory of visiting many times at an "exclusive" senior living building where the new resident was a ex woman executive from New York City, who had married late in life and then been widowed. 
The senior I was visiting was male and NMNK.  He was pitied.

The other women - her generational peers - were very mean spirited to this childless woman.  When their children and grandchildren came to visit this ex-executive was friendly and talkative with them.   She was trying to fit in and acknowledge their families.  After all, they all sat in the common area with the fancy decor much of the day.

The traditional stay at home mother senior citizens who were living there would accuse her of jealousy and resent her friendliness to their "loved ones."  I spoke to this woman several times before she moved elsewhere.  I HAD TO WONDER HOW MEAN THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN IF SHE HAD ALSO NEVER MARRIED.  WOULD THEY HAVE ASSUMED SHE WAS QUEER?

She was very proud of her career and had career advice for me.  She dressed very well compared to these other women, who were also coming from wealth, in that she still suited up every day.  Criticism of what she wore and pretty much anything she did was so prevalent, I doubt there was anything she could do right.  They despised her - her type - right away and it went downhill from there.
She had money, money she earned and put aside, as well as money from her husband's estate, enough to live elsewhere and she made that choice, and I felt sad for her that these other women were so unfair to her and hoped the next exclusive senior building she went to had kinder people.  She struck me as the most intelligent woman among them.

I also learned during my visits there that a lot of these women were still supporting some or all of their children and that many of them had been generous to their children but rarely got visits...  That reinforced for me that no person should be motivated to have children based on the idea that these children will "take care" of them in old age.

I WONDER IF THE RESENTMENT THAT TRADITIONAL STAY AT HOME MOTHERS OF THAT GENERATION FEEL IS WORSE than generations following when women overall have had more choices.

(First published October 13, 2012)

 

SUSAN JACOBY 'S NEVER SAY DIE TELLS THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING OLD ALONE BROKE and ILL : NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS BOOK REVIEW

SUSAN JACOBY 'S  NEVER SAY DIE TELLS THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING OLD ALONE BROKE and ILL

Linking to a YouTube video  (sorry but the video expired so I took it down Nov 2 2023) in which author Susan Jacoby explains her viewpoint. Will our old age be so different than that of our parents or grandparents? New Agism has taken over. Just read a devastating book, written by a secular humanist Susan Jacoby, who looks at the facts not the spin on old age. NEVER SAY DIE, THE MYTH AND MARKETING of THE NEW OLD AGE, put out by Pantheon Books this year, looks at issues like Baby Boomer finances (especially severe for old women), Alzheimer's, and other issues that the people promoting 80 as the new 50 don't want you to try on. While reading this book I was thinking of the recession we're in and the fact that many women never have the kind of employers who provide retirements. So many are already hurting, already working hard and unable to save. I was thinking that fear of being alone and broke in old age IS STILL NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO HAVE CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF YOU IN OLD AGE . In visiting seniors living in retirement homes, board and cares, and nursing homes, I already know that many of those who had children - and grandchildren - still do not get the visits they need. I notice those ads that have vital active and young looking grey haired seniors enjoying their retirement years. They rarely seem to show real residents, people with walkers and wheel chairs. This book is not light summer reading, but it is reading that will make you think and activate. '

Sister

(First published  August 30, 2011)

C 2011 - 2023 Never Married No Kids - BlogSpot 

VISITING SOLO SENIORS : FAMILY OF CHOICE FAMILY OF FRIENDS

 VISITING SOLO SENIORS : FAMILY OF CHOICE FAMILY OF FRIENDS

One of the nicest things an NMNK can do is go visiting NMNK seniors.

I think we can learn a lot from those who are senior to us and many of us have parents or grandparents who have already passed away.  There is an increasing number of people who were only children who will go into their senior-hood without parents or siblings.  While some of these people have other blood relatives who may look in on them and be there to stand up for them, many depend(ed) on a FAMILY OF FRIENDS.

I first heard the terms FAMILY OF FRIENDS or FAMILY OF CHOICE (MADE UP OF FRIENDS) while having contact with many gay males in business.  I became friendly with some of these men and learned that though their family of birth had kicked them out because they were living a gay lifestyle (which usually meant no marriage, no children), they had formed family with others in the same situation.  They provided each other mutual support, but it wasn't all talk about problems, it was actually BEING THERE for each other through unemployment, hospitalizations, and so on.

Why not go to a senior building or assisted living in your area and volunteer, or ask the staff if you can be involved in casually visiting seniors there?  Maybe take your dog too.

You may make some friends - of choice.

(First posted on June 6, 2013)

SUSAN JACOBY 'S NEVER SAY DIE TELLS THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING OLD ALONE BROKE and ILL

SUSAN JACOBY 'S  NEVER SAY DIE TELLS THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING OLD ALONE BROKE and ILL

VIDEO EXPIRED taken down Nov 2023

Linking to a YouTube video in which author Susan Jacoby explains her viewpoint. Will our old age be so different than that of our parents or grandparents? New Agism has taken over. Just read a devastating book, written by a secular humanist Susan Jacoby, who looks at the facts not the spin on old age. NEVER SAY DIE, THE MYTH AND MARKETING of THE NEW OLD AGE, put out by Pantheon Books this year, looks at issues like Baby Boomer finances (especially severe for old women), Alzheimer's, and other issues that the people promoting 80 as the new 50 don't want you to try on. While reading this book I was thinking of the recession we're in and the fact that many women never have the kind of employers who provide retirements. So many are already hurting, already working hard and unable to save. I was thinking that fear of being alone and broke in old age IS STILL NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO HAVE CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF YOU IN OLD AGE . In visiting seniors living in retirement homes, board and cares, and nursing homes, I already know that many of those who had children - and grandchildren - still do not get the visits they need. I notice those ads that have vital active and young looking grey haired seniors enjoying their retirement years. They rarely seem to show real residents, people with walkers and wheel chairs. This book is not light summer reading, but it is reading that will make you think and activate.

Sister

(First published  August 30, 2011)

I MEET A 71 YEAR OLD VIRGIN AT THE GROCER! (AND THE 22 YEAR OLD VIRGIN MASS MURDERER - UC SANTA BARBARA!)

 I MEET A 71 YEAR OLD VIRGIN AT THE GROCER!  (AND THE 22 YEAR OLD VIRGIN MASS MURDERER - UC SANTA BARBARA!)

She was one of several of us who were in the back of the grocer looking at discounted products.  We got to talking about the latest mass murderer (not serial killer) the 22 year old virgin who killed 6 and then himself, and left another dozen or so wounded in the town Isla Vista near UC Santa Barbara.  I said "SO WHAT HE WAS A 22 YEAR OLD VIRGIN! Used to be that just about everyone who wasn't married by 22 was a virgin.  Plenty of really intelligent people wait until they are old enough for responsibility to have sex!"

She blurted "Well, I'm a 71 year old virgin!"

I said, " CONGRATULATIONS!"

She said "I never married because I was always someone's CAREGIVER!  Now that I'm retired my income is too low to go out and meet people."

I suggested a senior center in the next town that has some good inexpensive trips for 55 and over.

YOU KNOW SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST FEEL LIKE SHARING WITH FRIENDLY STRANGERS!

By the way, she looked 10 years younger at least.  This is something I've observed in the NMNK.  Many look much younger than they are.  Having and raising children, especially if you also work full time, is stressful and aging.

I supposed we will have to include the 22 year old virgin mass murderer as NMNK!

(First posed on  June 7, 2014)

SENIOR LIVING FOR THE NMNK WHO HAS NO MONEY

 A worry many people have, especially NMNK women, if that they will have no one to take care of them in old age.  I JUST HEARD A STATISTIC that in LA COUNTY  ONE PERSON IN FIVE has no one to be there for them in an emergency!

However, having children with the idea they will be there to care for you during illness or old age or emergencies is no good reason to have them.  WHY?

Well, because there is no guarantee that they will.

They may die before you, go to live far away to follow a career or dream, or you may have a bad relationship with them.  I used to visit neighbors who had gone into assisted living and can say that many a parent was neglected.  These people had resources and were not letting the government or charity take care of them.  However, they were jealous of the time I spent as a friend with an older gentleman who had never married or had children due to blindness he acquired as a teenager.  This man managed to work anyway but was dependent on an older brother who was not coping.

Covid-19 shut downs and changes that have come with being marooned or limited in our movement include reconsidering relationships. For some there is more closeness, for others more distance.  I'm encountering more people who are entering senior years feeling they can not afford to live...

Of course having some relationships you can count on does help.

I hope that NMNK seniors can find each other, honestly discuss their needs, and bond together to check on each other and help each other.

KEY TO VERY LONG LIFE? DON'T GET MARRIED! LOUISE JEAN SIGNORE TURNS 107!

Here's a NMNK I just heard about!  She looks to be a sweety!

DAILY MAIL, LOUISE JEAN SIGNORE SUGGESTS ITALIAN FOOD and NEVER GETTING MARRIED

At 103 she was mugged and her bingo cards were taken from her.  Born in 1912, she's lived through many Presidential administrations.

AT LAST! NO MORE PRINCES WILL COME FOR HER!

I made a new friend over the last few months, a woman who was in her 50's when she met the only man she has ever loved.  He died a couple years ago and she became very depressed.  He died after suggesting to her that she quit her job so they could be together and hang out.  He was retired.  She was in love and she wanted nothing more then to spend time with him.  When he died, it turned out that he had not favored her in his will.  His sister and her children came and put her out of the house she shared with him and even took the car she'd been driving away.  She was left with so little she was almost homeless.  Why he didn't take care of her is not certain.  Maybe he meant to.  But he did not.  She says she never asked what his plans were.
I'm sure certain people think she's been a fool.  The main thing is that she has no career and at 65 needs retraining.  She pays her rent and has little left for food.  A brother sends her what money he can.  She is a nice woman.  And she says she will never ever again be with another man.  There was no one like this man for her.

Because she's in poverty some of her other friends have suggested another man to take his place is what she really should do.  But no more Princes will come for her and she's not looking.

Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

One of the main reasons marriage is considered a good idea is because it is still seen as financial protection for a spouse.  I tend to think that is true. This is why gay people have fought for the right to marry.

I respect that this woman is going for the retraining.
She's going to do a two year certificate at the community college.
Maybe a job will come out of it, maybe not

Sister