SPRING : FERTILITY IS IN : NMNK OUT : OMNK = ONCE MARRIED NO KIDS

 SPRING : FERTILITY IS IN : NMNK OUT : OMNK = ONCE MARRIED NO KIDS

SPRING HAS SUCH AN EMPHASIS ON FERTILITY, especially at Easter Time - all those hens and chicks, eggs, bunnies - symbols of reproduction and fertility - I wonder if this is the worst time for people who find themselves to be infertile.

The inability to have children when you want them is one of the unintentional causes for being a NMNK person, you could say it's FATE.

We're used to hearing about modern medical miracles and assume that because such things as invitro fertilization are possible that everyone has access (money / insurance) to receive these medical treatments and services.  We hear about all the children who are in need of being adopted and we think that is something anyone with enough love and maturity to raise a child can do.  Then we find out that it's usually expensive, at least if you want to adopt a baby, difficult, that you have to go to another country if you're older and older means 40ish!  (Foster care options may be better for the NMNK's who want to nurture another human being into adulthood.)

I was thinking of an old friend of mine the other day, Lori.  She was sure she didn't want children and her husband seemed to be OK with that.  Then, seven years into their marriage, after they had acquired a home and had a healthy savings account, suddenly, she very much wanted children. 

I've never had such a change of mind myself, but I wanted to be supportive of her.

Strangely, our friendship ended in part because she felt I was not sympathetic enough when their efforts to adopt were not successful.  I admit I didn't really understand but I did try to and anything I said was probably more in error because she didn't want to hear it.  I told her about someone I knew who adopted a child, about five at the time, a child who was then raised in typical family, without violence, had a lot of therapy anyway, and still turned into the kind of teenager that rages and physically abuses his own parents. 

Lori, I'll call her, was not all that happy in her marriage.  She was the wife who made much more than her husband, and who allowed him to continue in work that didn't support them.  Personally I have nothing against one person being a stay at home mom or dad, or one person paying more or all of the bills. 

One of the demands she made prior to trying for a baby was that he be the main breadwinner while she gave up her business.  He managed to get a job due to connections that his father had, and so he was able to support them.  However, Lori also didn't like the fact that he had to work overtime and she sometimes cooked dinner for them and he did a no- show.  I told her that he probably could not be the only man at the office that went home to his wife.  The man he worked for wanted to take the whole staff out a whole lot.  I guess I felt she couldn't have it all her way, so the hell with the cold meatloaf and be happy she had a husband who could support them.

Some time after she withdrew her friendship, which hurt me, I found out that SHE HAD DIED.  Now, if they had successfully adopted a child, that child might have suffered the loss of its adoptive mother.  How much really was her husband into this adoption?  Let's say that his BOSS even tried to help them get an attorney who would make their dreams of having a child come true.

Years later I realize that Lori was not happy in her life.  I'm not putting her down for this.  I'm just saying that was the case.  She didn't want the life she had.  She wanted ... more.  And she didn't get it before she died.

Has her husband remarried?  I don't think so.  At least I haven't found him on the Internet posing with a new wife or new woman.  OMNK = Once Married No Kids?

- Sister

(First published March 27, 2012)

A VALENTINES DAY WEDDING CANCELLED!

Sister here!  It has happened to a friend.  She decided last year that she was going to get married this year.  She said that God had given her visions and had ordained that she marry.  Well, a mutual friend (who had a long distance relationship at the time, an engagement) was her first target.  It didn't work out because he went on the road.  Then she met a much younger man.  How much younger?  Let's say less that 20 but more than 15 years younger.  And out of a rehab when she herself has never had an addiction.  After several months of dating she determined that this was the man who God had planned for her.  But her siblings objected to the man and the speed of the engagement.  For her the engagement meant that it was OK to have sex.

Fast forward to about a month ago when she announced that another year had gone by and for sure the two of them were getting married.  ON VALENTINE'S DAY.  Considering that they had broken up only recently when she discovered that he had broken his sobriety, I was shocked.

But you want to be happy for someone else when they find LOVE right?  It turned out that trying to find a minister and a place to hold the wedding at the last minute is near impossible, because VALENTINES DAY is a POPULAR DAY to be married!  And it turned out that his drinking, that break in sobriety, was not a one time mess up but the start of a lot of partying, particularily as the wedding day got closer.  Let's face it.  He can't face life without a drink.  Even the prospect of marrying her was not cheering enough.

So the wedding is cancelled.  She's probably smart not to go forward with this wedding, or this relationship, and I feel for her, because she is laying in bed crying and depressed!

But this is what happens when you are DESPERATE to be married and you make the very next person who comes into your life MR or MRS RIGHT!

Sister