ANOTHER ATTACK ON ME FOR BEING AN NMNK : SISTER SPEAKS

You haven't heard from me for a while.  

The reason is that I took a part time job in August, which for about a month in December turned into a full-time job. I went into it with hope, as I, like many of you, have been negatively affected by the Covid shut down experience.  For all the news that there are plenty of jobs, well, I think there are certain kinds of jobs that are available in some places, but the good jobs, people clung to.  So, I took this job in part because I needed to earn money and in part because they made certain 'promises' about the future that to me sounded good.

My immediate boss was a woman who upon meeting me started bragging about one of her children. I didn't realize she was baiting me to talk about my personal life. I wasn't ready to get into a 'tell all' chat with her.  It was soon clear that she had no respect for me or appreciation of my very hard work.  I soon knew I was doing the job of 2 people, sometimes 3, but I held onto their promise that soon I would be working full time and at a livable wage.  I knew from the way they were set up that probably that meant I would work in other departments with other people.  From others I learned that she was from a family of five children and the only daughter, and that she had married a high school sweetheart and had four sons. She wanted for nothing. Her husband had a successful business, she did not 'have' to work, but she wanted to. She was a volunteer who had taken on a big project.

For a few months I came home exhausted every day and my hope dwindled.  I kept my behavior professional, ignoring her taunts, but one day I felt myself shaking.  Two other women showed up to work, I thought for the holidays.  One was intimidated by her and the other, the mother of seven who had lost custody of her children because of her drug addiction, was aggressively trying to prove she was worthy of the job. Actually, having any job at all was important to both these women, but their labor was being paid for by an outside source since they were both from a sober living situation.  I and my friends by November thought that there was now no incentive for this employer to keep their word to me.  They didn't want to pay.

However, when a Covid economic relief program paid me to work there full time for the last few weeks of the year, I could not say no.  The boss was supposed to go on a vacation the last week of the year, and I looked forward to working without her being there. Though she had said and done much to demean and diminish me, and I knew it was abuse, and the two women who came out of the sober living decided they did not want to work that last week of the year, I persisted. I came home every night and pretty much went straight to bed to be ready for the next day.

It was then announced that a member of her immediate family, living with her, had a positive Covid test and if I wanted to, I could get tested.  I had been told everyone who worked there was supposed to be vaccinated but I knew she claimed she had already had Covid so there was no need...Just before she left, she and the mother of seven were talking together about a program for Christmas in which poor children were given presents from Santa.  The boss said how she had "made' her single childless brothers fork over money for this program.  Looking directly at me she sneered and said, "These people with no children."

That was not the beginning of the end. I knew this job would not sustain me.

When the new year began, the program that was paying me that last month was over.  The employer had not asked me to meet with them to discuss my future in the new year, and I did not go back. The company has not provided me the forms to do my taxes.

I have been a long time advocate for us NMNK who are used up and spit out in the workplace. I can't say this experience is typical, but I have noticed in other situations that it's assumed that the NMNK will be happy to cover for and compensate for other employees who have children.  Once in a while that is appropriate, but NMNK have things going on in their lives besides work, including caring for parents and other family members or the friends in their family of choice. 

C 2022  Never Married No Kids - BlogSpot

 

PAUL DOLAN's BOOK HAPPY EVERY AFTER SAYS WOMEN ARE HAPPIER NOT MARRIED

VOX : MARRIED WOMEN MISERABLE? DON'T BELIEVE IT

EXCERPT:  Women should be wary of marriage - because while married women say they're happy, they're lying.  According to behavioral scientist Paul Dolan promoting his recently released book HAPPY EVER AFTER, they'll; be much happier if they steer clear of marriage and children entirely.

"Married people are happier than other population subgroups,but only when their spouse is in the room when they're asked how happy they are.  When the spouse is not present" f***ing miserable." Dolan said, citing the AMERICAN TIME USE SURVEY, a national survey available from the Bureau of Labor Statistics and used for academic research on how Americans live their lives.

A STRANGER ON A BUS BENCH ATTACKS ME FOR WHO I AM! MY NOT WEARING A WEDDING BAND WAS HER FIRST CLUE

Those of you who are new to NMNK - An Intentional Community may not realize it, but this blog serves to let me rant.  In my daily life I rarely rant. Most new people I encounter have no idea that I am actually NMNK.  But the other day I had an experience that reinforced to me the necessity of this blog, for me and those like me who are MNNK, even though the lifestyle has become so much more common and, therefore, in less need of defense.

I was quietly sitting at a bus stop, awaiting a bus that comes once an hour.  I had errands that day in a part of town that I bus to, it was beautiful out, and though when I take this particular bus I'm always a little concerned because it's often off schedule, missing, broken down, or late, at that moment my only thought was how great it would be to get home and give my dog a good walk, since it wasn't too hot or too cold out.

Therefore, I doubt that this stranger sitting next to me would have looked at me and thought anything in particular by the mood expressed by my face or any attitude,  since I was enjoying the day, but she looked at me and said, "You're not married?"

The only clue would have been that there are no rings on my ring finger, no engagement ring, no wedding band.  (My birthstone is on the other hand.)

Now something else my readers here may not know about me is that I'm usually friendly and don't mind at all getting into conversations with strangers.  I've talked to strangers about all sorts of things, so I'm not self absorbed or snooty about talking to someone I haven't been introduced to.  At first I had no idea that this woman was going to go for the NMNK jugular, that she would deeply offend me, and that I'd end up writing a post about her as a 2016 representative of the ignorant and backward!

"No, never," I said, smiling.

"Why NOT? And then she mumbled something under her breath.

"Why?," I said.  "Everyone doesn't have to be married."

"No children?"

(Ah, perhaps she was sniffing out unwed mothers?)

"No children."

At this point she shook her head disapprovingly no, and in a mocking tone said, "No husband, no children, WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU IN YOUR OLD AGE?" And then she laughed at me,  in my face, ridiculing me.

I now knew what I was dealing with and so I looked at her.

She appeared to be in her forties.  She appeared to be Asian or part Asian.  Her accent was slight. She was wearing casual clothing just as I was, not dressed to be coming or going from a job.  I did not look at her ring finger, but I figured her to be a stay at home wife and mother.

"Having children doesn't guarantee a person that someone will be taken care of or even visited in their old age.  I visit two senior citizens in assisted living places who had children, who left town for work.  They rarely visit.  It's me who visits them!  Besides, there are no guarantees in life.  One of these old people has outlived his son!"

I thought of other seniors I've visited in senior living communities, who have since passed.  One, the youngest son in a family was indeed NMNK, and his own siblings did the minimal to help him.  I recall he didn't even have shoes to fit his feet and was stolen from at the place constantly, since he was legally blind.  Another woman was widowed, had outlived her son and had a daughter who was mentally ill who never came to visit.  Besides me her only visitor was her one grandson, who himself was having medical issues.  I had become friendly with these seniors as neighbors and while never in place as a legal guardian sometimes reported in to their children.  And I enjoyed these people!  It wasn't like I was visiting just anybody because they were old.  I enjoyed their stories of their own lives through historical times, like World War II or early Hollywood.

The stranger was not satisfied with my answers.  And it was clear that she was not trying to be helpful.  I wouldn't have liked it if she'd taken this approach in hopes of actually match making me, but at the same time, at least I wouldn't have felt myself to be the object of someone's anger.

"Try not to go on in this conversation," I thought to myself.  "By admitting who you are, and what your life experience is, you're threatening her, maybe, so let it go,"  but I could not  yet, because she continued to shake her head, mutter, eye me as a freak of nature, and feel sorry for me years ahead of my old age.

"Many children who are born to die.  Their parents cannot afford to take care of them or even feed them.  So they are born to suffer and die... This world has plenty of people without me having a child..."

Luckily the bus pulled up and ended the conversation.


C 2016  Sister / Never Married No Kids - An Intentional Community Blogspot

YOU KNOW YOU'RE NMNK WHEN... (16 INDICATIONS THAT IT'S TIME TO COME OUT OF THE NMNK CLOSET!)

1) People say to you "Isn't it about TIME you got married."  (Getting married because you've reached a certain age, making whoever you're dating into Mr. or Ms. "Right" because it's "time" and "settling" is to me, a ticket to Divorce and Single Parenthood.)

2) You work overtime while your co-workers with children get to go home to take them here, there, and everywhere, like to soccer practice and the Drive-Through for dinner.  (They assume you will "understand" and "won't mind" and so does your boss, but oh you do!  Being used at work like this is worse than when it's your family!)  Worse, some employers GIVE RAISES to those who have children, thinking "that man/single mother now has to support a family." Even though that person may be LESS PRODUCTIVE. 

3) You are also tapped to be the BABYSITTER or CAREGIVER for exhausted or broke friends and relatives who assume that your life is not jam packed with activities that are worthwhile.  They sometimes try to sell it as "bonding" or getting to know the child/children better.  They may even put guilt upon you as an aunt or uncle of the child if you are not eager to accommodate them being fearful that it will become a habit with them to dump their children on you.  These people often want free or discounted services.  Don't they know that you can like or not like someone else's child, love or not love someone else's child, but that THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD CHILDREN COUNTING ON OTHERS TO DO THEIR WORK FOR THEM or SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD CHILDREN THEY CANNOT AFFORD as in afford professional childcare?  Worse, some of them think that if you spend time with their children, YOU WILL WANT SOME OF YOUR OWN or that if you can't have children you want, that theirs will make that up to you!

4) Without your pre-knowledge or permission, you find yourself being "set up" for dates and meetings with people your friends or relatives think of as "marriageable" or "eligible" because they think the real reason you are unmarried is that you keep meeting people who have "fear of commitment" or who are just no good.

(I suffered the humiliation of going to a Thanksgiving dinner, only to find out it was a set up with a man looking for a wife.  He was not for me and I heard my cousin actually tell him I had a "fear of commitment!" as if to apologize for me and my lack of interest.)

5)  Some people think you have a"fear of commitment."  Though you may be committed to your family, doing elder care or the care of disabled siblings, committed to your education or career, or committed to your volunteer work or some other activity, the lie they tell themselves is that you don't just fear commitment with someone all wrong for you but commitment in general.  (One male friend of mine, the only son of two sick parents, put on hold dating and marriage for years, working full time and then coming home to care for them, until they died.  Would you say he "lacked commitment?")

6) Your friends who married and have children dump you because they prefer to socialize with other married with children couples.   At best they may invite you to a party or give you a call or send a card once in a while, but it's clear they don't relate to you any more.  (More than once I've had the experience of being invited to showers and weddings, and the last I hear from someone is the thank-you note.)  Basically they no longer value or work at being friends with you.  Sometimes they will continue to be friends with you until their children become out of control teenagers; this they say you just don't "understand" because you "never gave birth."

7) Some people think you are "immature" that you have not married and had children.  While becoming a duo with someone else probably is the best first step to having children and considered a Passage of Life, and maybe most people (still) do, maturity is not dependent on being a spouse or reproducing yourself.  Just look at all those teenager parents!  Some stay-at-home parents, in particular, are very immature.  Being isolated, removed from the world, and depending on someone else to develop a career and go out and bring home the bacon so you can fry it up in a pan, is a great way to become isolated and STUCK!  To mature you have to have a lot of life experiences, I think including supporting yourself for at least a while before you let someone else support you.

8) Your high school friend who has had four children now says "I had your share."  (Guess what!  I think anyone who can AFFORD more than two children, who really wants them, and can love them, respect them, and do right by them, can have more than two children!  This is not yet China with a one child policy that includes forced abortions.  I even think that there are some people who can do OK as single parents, like some of the actresses who have adopted and have a few million in the bank!  Still, most people today cannot afford a lot of children. )

9) Some people who hear you have never married or had children think "there has to be something wrong with her/him."  This has happened to me more than once but I did meet one older man who told me that not bringing along children to support could be a plus to some men who have already raised families or cannot afford to support more children.  Some people don't get it that when you hear someone is thinking of trying to work full time and support a child on their own, or that when you hear someone had children and then deserted them, that there HAS TO BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM like they have really underestimated their own ability to cope! 

10) You're suspected of being gay (and repressed) because you never talk about dating, having sex, or being involved with anyone.  Why not?  Besides being private, you're sick of some people always assuming that you're either terribly alone and lonely without a partner or that eventually you will "find someone" and hate it when they make TOO BIG A DEAL of someone you're probably not going to marry.  Besides, how much about your private life should you even be talking about at work or with people who you are friendly with but who are not friends?  You may not want to talk about dating, having sex, or being involved with someone because you just are not doing any of those things right now.

11) You're suspected of being a womanizer or player and maybe you are, but again, other people are looking for an excuse for why you are not married and childless that you are not looking for.  How many womanizers or players have no children?  I think few!  For men, traditionally, being thought of this way is more of a plus than it is for women.  It's been assumed that a sexually active man is at least ... normal.

12) When you travel or go on vacation, you find yourself paying a penalty for traveling alone.  People who share rooms get discounts as if they don't use twice as much water or make twice as much a mess or as if there aren't two beds in the room already!

13) When you go shopping for groceries, because you are buying food for one, you never seem to get the prize for spending a few hundred dollars a month, whatever it is, "gas points" or whatever.  Oddly the same stores are marketing "personal" sized pizzas, water melons, and other products.  (You really have to be careful because the price for these food items may be higher than if you bought in bulk.)

14)  Some people think that your beloved pet is your "child substitute."  (I hate to say it, but if you baby talk to your dog like I do they will be really sure of this!)

15) Jealous married people don't get it that being self supporting does not necessary mean that  you are "totally free" to "just go anywhere you want" as if having a spouse who doesn't want to or can't move is the only possible reason someone doesn't transfer all around for career or travel for work.  (Some of them think that being NMNK means you will be more desirable to employers but just the opposite is true.  Some employers like employees who live hand to mouth and have children to feed so they can enslave them and don't trust the more "independent" NMNK!)

16) You start telling people you are NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS.  "I'm NMNK!" you declare  and if you can't do so with pride, at least don't say it with shame.  There are so many ways to be NMNK.  As I say it can be personal choice (my case) or it can be fate, but whatever the reason, make the most of your life!


C 2014 NMNK - An Intentional Community/Sister  All Rights Reserved including Internet and International Rights.

CANADA NMNK! LIVING IN BACHELOR TOWNHOUSES IN TORONTO? FREEDOM OR EROSION OF SOCIETY

LIVING ALONE : A TESTAMENT TO FREEDOM OR AN EROSION OF SOCIETY article by Zosia Bielski from the Globe and Mail link here!

EXCERPT: There are now, for the first time, more one-person households in Canada than those populated by couples who have children. (Only two-person households are more common.)

2013 BRINGS US A NEW OPPORTUNITY TO DESIGN OUR OWN WHOLE LIVES? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Sister here! 

Although I know we can decide at any time to make resolutions, or new goals, I'm probably like you.  I look to the new year to be the time to start. 

I was reading that the number one goal of Americans is to loose weight (especially the weight recently acquired due to holiday over eating!)  Well, I could probably loose ten pounds, but I'm not worrying over it.  Overall I'm satisfied with my life.

Sure there are a few things I'd like to do that I'm not.  I'd like more time and energy and money.  (Are you laughing with me?) 

Hmm.  What to do first?

Today I'm thinking about the people who swear they are going to redesign their entire lives.  Basically, they are unhappy with just about everything.  Thus the whole life makeover in contemplation!

If your life as a NMNK is not happy, and you know the source of that unhappiness is that you ARE a NMNK, well, you may be able to focus on getting married and/or having a child.  Being more traditional than many, I think the married should come first.  However, some of you may have 8 days in your week, extreme energy and loads of money in the bank as well as a huge extended family that provides free child care or raising the child in a "village."  (Woops!  I forgot to mention easy fertility!)

Most people I know are very busy earning a living and feel that they do not have enough time to focus on themselves. They scramble to get things done on work nights so that once in a while they can take an entire weekend and go out of town.  Make that scramble and lie to their boss about being sick on a Friday, so they can take off 3 whole days in a row!  (Some people love to travel alone too!)

Sometimes it seems to me that economics - money - earning it - spending it - having enough - feeling that we have enough - is the key issue for the majority. 

But I have to ask. DO YOU DREAD MONDAY?

It's easy to say to someone quite young that they can just change jobs and be done with the bad boss, or the bad business, or whatever.  Not so easy for most people. It's true that a NMNK may be totally unencumbered with the issue of having to support other people, though some are caregivers for their parents.

When it comes right down to it, what is the one thing that you want that will make all the difference in your life?