NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS - An Intentional Community: February 2023

2/28/23

UNMARRIED IN JAPAN

In countries such as Japan where the pressure to marry is immense because singlehood is so unacceptable, I've read that the rates of earlier death for single people are higher than for marrieds. Such statistics are often used to show how wonderful marriage is, how normal. Get married and you will be so happy you'll live a longer, healthier life is the story. But you have to look at how many of those never married Japanese commit suicide because of the social stigma of being unmarried. Japan is the most Westernized country in Asia and we hope that the attitudes against Never Married No Kids are changing! ARE YOU A JAPANESE MAN OR WOMAN WHO HAS NO INTEREST IN MARRYING OR HAVING CHILDREN? We'd like to hear your story!

(First published November 10, 2008)

2/27/23

IS IT YOUR FATE TO BE NMNK ? SISTER SPEAKS!

I haven't posted much on those who are VERY UNHAPPY being NMNK, who are NMNK because of infertility for instance, but who really do want to be married and have children and feel that life has passed them by because they haven't achieved these things.

I feel there is just so much on the Internet in support of those of you who have this life experience. And just so much on the Internet by you - lamenting your circumstances in life. NMNK who are in constant mourning over their fate of unpartnered and childless life are usually considered to be "normal." They're given a lot of sympathy - and pity. These NMNK can be aggressively proactive about finding a partner. They may be joining dating sites, having their friends match-make them, and saying prayers before they fall asleep hoping that God or Goddess will arrange for them to meet their "soul mate"!

Sometimes these are the NMNKs who are investigating adoption or enjoying being used as a baby sitter by friends and family.

Still they fit into the category I'm part of and write about ; NMNK

Frankly, I think that while we all grieve when our expectations of life go unmet, it's best to go with what it is fate has dealt you and make the very best of it. People can have worthy lives without being part of the status quo. Lots of things can and do go wrong in life and we don't have total control of what happens, so while it's a good to know yourself and acknowledge that being unmarried and childless is causing you a lot of personal pain, it's ridiculous to let this wreck the rest of your life. I'm not suggesting that if you put on the rose colored glasses, go into denial, or dance on the sunny side of the street you're going to stop wanting what you want. I'm suggesting that reviewing your life and noticing what's good as well as what's bad is the way to go! If you really want children but can't (and sometimes that means you can't adopt either because you're single, too poor, or too old) find ways to mix with children in some other healthy way, such as volunteering to work with disadvantage kids, become a Big Sister or Big Brother, or lead a scout troop.

Sister

(First published March 17, 2012)

C 2012 Never Married No Kids - BlogSpot

2/26/23

SPINSTER MAGGIE KUHN : FOUNDER OF THE GREY PANTHERS : A NMNK ROLE MODEL

Maggie Kuhn (1905 - 1995) was the founder of the Grey Panthers.

She once quipped: "Many people asked me, "You're not married -- how does it happen that a woman like you never married?" And my standard response is, "Sheer luck."

(First Published September 8, 2010)

2/25/23

DINING OUT OR IN ALONE? ALONE DOES NOT MEAN LONELY

2/24/23

SUSAN B ANTHONY 19th CENTURY FEMINIST WAS NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS

SUSAN B ANTHONY 19th CENTURY FEMINIST WAS NMNK

Here's the scoop on SUSAN B. ANTHONY, early in American History of Feminism, and a ROLE MODEL who probably paid a higher price for her radicalism than any Feminist of the 20th century. And who appears on a United States dollar coin.'

Not so long ago a woman who was uninterested in marriage or motherhood was often considered to be either a Lesbian and/or a Feminist. How far have we come? Feminist wasn't generally thought of as positive label. Women seemed to always be explaining they believed in "equal pay" but were not "one of those women who..." Feminist were considered to be "angry" women as if anger invalidates a person's thoughts and feelings.

Linking here to a bit about SUSAN B. ANTHONY!
WHY NOT BE ANGRY?

Anger can also be a motivational force!

(First published May 21, 2011)

2/23/23

SOUL MATE: A DOCUMENTARY FILM ABOUT BLACK SINGLE WOMEN IN THE UNITED STATES

SOUL MATE a film by Andrea Wiley is C 2006 Clean Heart Production

Review by Sister - NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS

This is a documentary that focuses on successful, independent, beautiful, and Christian African American women, 40ish, who have never married and, listening to them speak, never had children. According to the stats which must have been from the 2000 U.S. census, 42.3% of Black women had never been married. Worse, and this is not according to the U.S. census, Black women are contracting HIV/AIDS from Black men on the low down (that means these men are also having sex with men, though they may be macho and not stereotypical or recognizable as gay), and bringing this home to their wives - a tragedy. First, the women in this film are exceptionally accomplished and well spoken about their thoughts and feelings about their lives. I don't know that they represent average African- American women. It's more like "if these women can't find husbands then who can?" One of the women who speaks is a Christian minister with a growing following while two of the men who speak are also Christian ministers. There is some take about "BC" as in Before Christian. Implied is that these women (and men) have taken a vow of celibacy until they are married. This is a vow to God and there is hope in these women that God will find them a husband or that they can accept His Will that they not be chosen for this role. Some are brave about their future. One breaks into tears of loneliness. Considering that so many African-American children are born outside marriage and don't have much fatherly presence in their lives, these women are holding out for a spiritual tradition and lifestyle that is less common than is being played out in the African-American communities where babies mamas and babies daddy are being played out. The African- American women I've met through the years expressed to me great frustration with African -American men, but also seemed to have a less entitled attitude than most Caucasian-American women I've met. I felt sorry for them because they seemed to have much less selection than Caucasian- American women. This is in part to the fact that African-American men marry Caucasian-American women at a rate five times higher than African-American women marry Caucasian-American men. This film also has a little bit about how slavery destroyed African-American families. However, personally, 150 years (a few generations from slavery) I think this has become an excuse. Many ethnic groups have had terrible struggles, for instance the Jewish-Americans who came as refugees due to the Holocaust, and simply, there has been time for African-Americans to address these issues in their culture. Coming from a heritage where poverty was no excuse for bad behavior of any sort, and certainly not for having children outside marriage, I think of this as a cultural problem that must be addressed within that culture. What I've heard about and observed is, sadly, African-American men taking full advantage of their rarity to exploit women who are desperate for them. I'm aware that telling a woman to hold out for a better sort of man in her life is telling her to remain celibate, single, and possibly childless. I personally think this is a better life than being married to Mr. Wrong or finding out you've been sharing a cheater with other women. The quality of this film was excellent. Watch it. You might have a different opinion!

(First published September 4, 2012)

2/22/23

NEIL DIAMOND : SOLITARY MAN

2/21/23

NMNK LINKED TO IMMATURITY? HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE ECONOMICS?

Recently I heard about an article on the Internet from Britain which said that the reason so many young people are NMNK is that they refuse to grow up!

The number one reason I feel is that economic times are difficult. It's not easy to be in your twenties and have the kind of job that allows you to be self-supporting and put money away for the day you can be married - especially not if you want to be married, have children, and have a stay-at-home mom or dad! So many young people graduate college, and after that bout of freedom and responsibility from family, come home and move back into their bedroom in their parents' home. Then what?

I think there is another consideration besides economics though, and that is these days families are smaller and parents and children are optioning for an extended family. Instead of children leaving the family home permanently after college graduation (or the age of 18), and perhaps living so independently that they rarely see their parents, instead parents are helping raise grandchildren and children are staying to do elder care for their parents, sometimes inheriting the house a result. The interdependency is what family is all about.

Whatever the case, I object to the idea that it is never mature to live with your parents, return to your parents after college, and so on. It takes maturity to make it through four or more years of grinding college classes, to succeed at that. It also takes maturity to know that you cannot afford to live in an apartment even with roommates, or that you don't want the lifestyle that having roommates often brings. It takes maturity to know that you do not want marriage, or marriage and children at any time in your life, that you cannot afford to do so and that you would not want to burden other people as a result of your behavior.

Sister

(First posted December 15, 2012)

C 2012 Never Married No Kids - BlogSpot

2/20/23

TRACY MCMILLAN : WHY YOU'RE NOT MARRIED : A REVIEW OF STEREOTYPES SHE BELIEVES IN (THIS WILL MAKE YOU ANGRY!)

TRACY MCMILLAN : WHY YOU'RE NOT MARRIED : A REVIEW OF STEREOTYPES SHE BELIEVES IN

This article, linked here, is by Tracy McMillan, and appeared in the Huffington Post, is called "WHY YOU'RE NOT MARRIED." Mcmillan is a single mother living in Los Angeles and the Huffington Post is owned by a woman who has been suspected of marrying a homosexual so that when the divorce came (inevitable) she'd be rich. The Quick List: You're a Bitch, You're Shallow, You're a Slut, You're a Liar, You're Selfish, You're Not Good Enough. (Ready to vomit?) If anger hasn't moved from your feet into your head by now, nothing will provoke you. McMillan is presenting all the worst "reasons" while holding out hope for us. NO SHE'S NOT A HUMORIST.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-youre-not-married_b_822088

(First published April 10, 2012)

2/19/23

VISITING SOLO SENIORS : FAMILY OF CHOICE FAMILY OF FRIENDS

One of the nicest things an NMNK can do is go visiting NMNK seniors.

I think we can learn a lot from those who are senior to us and many of us have parents or grandparents who have already passed away. There is an increasing number of people who were only children who will go into their senior-hood without parents or siblings. While some of these people have other blood relatives who may look in on them and be there to stand up for them, many depend(ed) on a FAMILY OF FRIENDS.

I first heard the terms FAMILY OF FRIENDS or FAMILY OF CHOICE (MADE UP OF FRIENDS) while having contact with many gay males in business. I became friendly with some of these men and learned that though their family of birth had kicked them out because they were living a gay lifestyle (which usually meant no marriage, no children), they had formed family with others in the same situation. They provided each other mutual support, but it wasn't all talk about problems, it was actually BEING THERE for each other through unemployment, hospitalizations, and so on.

Why not go to a senior building or assisted living in your area and volunteer, or ask the staff if you can be involved in casually visiting seniors there? Maybe take your dog too.

You may make some friends - of choice.

(First posted on June 6, 2013)

2/18/23

SUSAN JACOBY 'S NEVER SAY DIE TELLS THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING OLD ALONE BROKE and ILL

VIDEO EXPIRED taken down Nov 2023

Linking to a YouTube video in which author Susan Jacoby explains her viewpoint. Will our old age be so different than that of our parents or grandparents? New Agism has taken over. Just read a devastating book, written by a secular humanist Susan Jacoby, who looks at the facts not the spin on old age. NEVER SAY DIE, THE MYTH AND MARKETING of THE NEW OLD AGE, put out by Pantheon Books this year, looks at issues like Baby Boomer finances (especially severe for old women), Alzheimer's, and other issues that the people promoting 80 as the new 50 don't want you to try on. While reading this book I was thinking of the recession we're in and the fact that many women never have the kind of employers who provide retirements. So many are already hurting, already working hard and unable to save. I was thinking that fear of being alone and broke in old age IS STILL NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO HAVE CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF YOU IN OLD AGE . In visiting seniors living in retirement homes, board and cares, and nursing homes, I already know that many of those who had children - and grandchildren - still do not get the visits they need. I notice those ads that have vital active and young looking grey haired seniors enjoying their retirement years. They rarely seem to show real residents, people with walkers and wheel chairs. This book is not light summer reading, but it is reading that will make you think and activate.

Sister

(First published August 30, 2011)

2/17/23

S IS FOR SINGLE!

2/16/23

OUR ENEMY DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER / PARENTHOOD BY PROXY

Flipping through... Dr. Laura Schlessinger Parenthood By Proxy DON'T HAVE THEM IF YOU WON'T RAISE THEM C 2000 Cliff Street Books...

Tripped across this one on the library shelves today and was intrigued by the DON'T HAVE THEM IF YOU WON'T RAISE THEM subtitle. And she's right that you don't get to resign from parenthood. Of course, anyone who listens to Dr. Laura's radio program, which is broadcast across the nation knows that she is ALSO AGAINST ABORTION, suggesting to anyone who cannot afford to raise a child that they should give that child up for adoption, and that she is AGAINST SINGLE PARENTHOOD as well. She frequently advises couples to stay together to raise a child, a kind of "You made a baby now you are stuck in an unhappy marriage attitude." BUT THEN AGAIN, I often think that her callers already know what she is going to say... REST ASSURED Dr. Laura IS THE NEVER MARRIED NO CHILDREN ENEMY. I've heard her tell people who have just gotten married to SHUN their still single friends. She doesn't really have any use for those of us who choose to remain unmarried and childless... She doesn't have any regard for us.

(First published October 14, 2008)

Note: She is no longer on the air!

2/15/23

CONDALEEZA RICE is NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS

Link here to a bio on Condaleeza which mentions that she has never married or had children, and may have only partnered (at least financially) with one person - a room mate. A woman of accomplishment and importance, not to mention extreme controversy, she seems to be able to handle it all and CONDALLEZA RICE is NMNK like us!

(First published on June 5, 2011)

As of October 2022 she remains NMNK.

Note: Over time I have sometimes published about someone who was NMNK and some of those persons have married, often "late" in life, and had a child or children, sometimes by surrogate.

2/14/23

DAISY HEART

2/13/23

LOVE YOUR FRIENDS AS THEY ARE

VALENTINES DAY can put a lot of pressure on devoted Never Married No Kids types. That's because this is the big American celebration of couplehood. But you CAN send Valentines to your very unmarried friends and let them know you LOVE THEM AS THEY ARE!

2/12/23

HUMOR : HOW TO LOOSE YOUR VIRGINITY : HUMOR

HUMOR : HOW TO LOOSE YOUR VIRGINITY
I thought this was funny and I bet you will too...

2/11/23

W.C. FIELDS HUMOR

This one was relayed to me the other day. Someone asked W.C. Fields, the Old Hollywood comedian, "DO YOU LIKE CHILDREN?" And he said "ONLY WELL DONE, MY DEAR !"

(First published August 14, 2009)

2/10/23

JOAN ARMITRADING : ME MYSELF I

(First posted March 25, 2012)

2/9/23

GOING SOLO BY ERIC KLINENBERG : NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS BOOK REVIEW

C 2012 Eric Klinenberg The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone Published by Penguin Press

This is the best book I've read about being single and living alone that has come out in a long time. The approach the author, Eric Klinenberg takes, is to look at singles in society and he did a lot of interviewing to get his information. Going Solo includes chapters on aging alone, and the poor who are living alone in Single Room Occupancy type apartments who don't socialize with their neighbors, hoping to protect themselves. It is that chapter that I found most impressive. (Pages 111 -112) ...

"Some of the affluent and middle-class people we interviewed acknowledged that they'd sought out a place of their own to avoid toxic relationships, or to escape from a community that took more than it gave. The disadvantaged men we interviewed were even more likely to report motivations like this. For them, living alone can easily lead to a dangerous extremes, resulting not only in domestic autonomy but also in reclusiveness, hoarding, and other antisocial behaviors that turn one's safe house into a tomb. Even more judicious forms of social withdrawal may lead to a kind of miserable security, as in the case of many of the ex-convicts, substance abusers, and the unemployed men who take refuge in single-room-occupancy hotels and cheap efficiency apartments to avoid friends and family whose company brings more trouble that it's worth. Living alone is a way to protect the self, yet it also risks imperiling it, and it;'s no surprise that people in good physical, emotional, and financial health, are better able to find the right balance than those who are sick or poor. For those with financial security, a busy schedule, and a dense social network, living alone can be productive because it offers access to privacy, restoration, and personal development. But for the vulnerable it more often leads to what Berkeley sociologist Sandra Smith calls "defensive individualism," a dangerous state that fosters distrust toward other people and institutions, and ultimately toward the self as well." As the author points out early in the book (Page 3)

"During the past half century , our species has embarked on a remarkable social experiment. For the first time in human history, great numbers of people - at all ages, in all places, of every political persuasion - have begun settling down as singletons." (Page 5)

"Today more than 50 percent of American adults are single, and 31 million - roughly one out of eery seven adults - live alone. (This figure excludes the 8 million Americans who live in voluntary and non-voluntary group quarters, such as assisted living facilities, nursing homes, and prisons.) People who live alone make up 28% of all U.S. households, which means that they are not tied with childless couples as the most prominent residential type - more common than the nuclear family, the multi-generational family, and the roommate or group home. Surprisingly, living alone is also one of the most stable household arrangements... Contemporary solo dwellers are primarily women; about 17 million, compared to 14 million men... This one is worth your spare time to read!

(First published on September 24, 2012)

2/8/23

I MEET A 71 YEAR OLD VIRGIN AT THE GROCER! (AND THE 22 YEAR OLD VIRGIN MASS MURDERER - UC SANTA BARBARA!)

She was one of several of us who were in the back of the grocer looking at discounted products. We got to talking about the latest mass murderer (not serial killer) the 22 year old virgin who killed 6 and then himself, and left another dozen or so wounded in the town Isla Vista near UC Santa Barbara. I said "SO WHAT HE WAS A 22 YEAR OLD VIRGIN! Used to be that just about everyone who wasn't married by 22 was a virgin. Plenty of really intelligent people wait until they are old enough for responsibility to have sex!"

She blurted "Well, I'm a 71 year old virgin!"

I said, " CONGRATULATIONS!"

She said "I never married because I was always someone's CAREGIVER! Now that I'm retired my income is too low to go out and meet people."

I suggested a senior center in the next town that has some good inexpensive trips for 55 and over.

YOU KNOW SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST FEEL LIKE SHARING WITH FRIENDLY STRANGERS!

By the way, she looked 10 years younger at least. This is something I've observed in the NMNK. Many look much younger than they are. Having and raising children, especially if you also work full time, is stressful and aging.

I supposed we will have to include the 22 year old virgin mass murderer as NMNK!

(First posed on June 7, 2014)

2/7/23

LIZA MINNELLI : OLD FRIEND and LIVE ALONE AND LIKE IT

(First published September 14, 2012)

2/6/23

VALENTINES DAY NIGHTMARE? OR A CELEBRATION OF FRIENDSHIP?

(first posted February 6, 2008)

Valentines Day is a nightmare for many NMNK. It's the height of the season for romance and you don't have any, not that you really mind, but you can feel acute condemnation about now from all those people who think your Big Mistake was not getting married.

Fortunately Valentines Day is NOT JUST FOR THE COUPLES. It is a day to express love and appreciation for ANYONE in our lives who is special.

Why Not Send Out a Dozen Valentines to Friends?

2/5/23

NEVER MARRIED WOMEN FACE SOCIAL STIGMA STILL

"In 2009, approximately 40 percent of adults were single, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. In a new study, "I'm a Loser, I'm Not Married, Let's Just All Look at Me," a University of Missouri researcher examined the familial and societal messages given to women who are not married by their mid-30's. Although the number of single women has increased, the stigma associated with being single at that age has not diminished, according to the women in this study. "We found that never-married women's social environments are characterized by pressure to conform to the conventional life pathway," said Larry Ganong, co-chair of Human Development and Family Studies in the College of Human Environmental Sciences." LINK to the article by clicking on the title of this post!

(First published August 11, 2011)

Note that if you put I'm a Loser, I'm Not Married, Let's Just All Look at Me into a search engines, a number of academic/research abstracts re this article will come up.)

2/4/23

ELLEN PECK'S BABY TRAP HELPED ME DECIDE

MINNESOTA PUBLIC RADIO - ABOUT ELLEN PECK AND THE BABY TRAP link

She used the term "non-parent."

I once had a brochure by the group Ellen founded, the non-parents, that was full of questions a person should ask themselves to help themselves decide if they wanted a baby now or at all. I can't recall how I came to possess it. One of the questions was "Do I want a child only if it is a girl or only if it is a boy child?"

I realized early that I was not ready to parent. Realizing the responsibility - especially financial - that I was not up to, I decided to either use contraception or avoid sex because abortion was not an option. (Today I am pro-Choice. I know contraception is not perfect. I've met people who got pregnant anyway, despite using the Pill, the Diaphram, the IUD, even someone who got pregnant after a Tubal!)

I left the option open that maybe if I married, and had a good marriage, after some time I might change my mind, but I always told men I was dating that I didn't think I wanted any children. That may have hurt my prospects, but so be it.

As the years went by, I realized that I did not want to be a mother, even if I married someone who could afford a nanny.

2/3/23

KYLIE MINOGUE : FINER FEELINGS

2/2/23

LET THE LADIES AGAINST WOMEN REMIND YOU...

A YouTube presentation, film by Tim Wessel.

Let the Ladies Against Women REMIND YOU of some of the reasons MARRIAGE has been a raw deal for women, and what feminism is about. This is a 2003 performance of the Ladies Against Women, who also perform in parades such as the Do Da Parade that is held in Pasadena, California - a remedy for the Rose Bowl.

Seriously though, did you form a bad opinion about marriage due to feminist enlightenment?

(First posted on Feb 2, 2008)

2/1/23

STRANGE BUT TRUE : MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE FIRST OR ONLY CHILDREN! DOES BIRTH ORDER HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH BEING AN NMNK?

Sister here : Recently I realized that most of my friends are first or only children - and they were born mostly before have 2.5 children was the norm! (I wonder what the psychologists who believe in birth order are going to do about that "middle child" in their analysis?)

As a child- those first five years that they say are so vital - I had lots of neighbor children and cousins to play with. But as much as I liked playing with other children I also started honing quiet time for myself because I took to reading early and also loved making art projects.

I WONDER IF THERE ARE ANY STATS ON BIRTH ORDER AND NMNK?!

(First published July 25, 2011)