OOOOH how I hope this is a "miracle of love" situation. I've learned a friend of mine, a man who never seemed to find a Ms. Right, though he met a lot of possibilities, imported a woman from China to be his wife. She's an intelligent woman and speaks English. Much younger than him (I should say "of course"). Young enough that she could stay married to him for a decade, get a nice social security retirement out of it, divorce, remarry.
How did they meet?
Chinese-American friends made the match, then they were using Skype or equivalent for courtship. He went there to marry her, and at the same time they honeymooned as tourists, saw the Great Wall.
I'd be completely rude if I didn't wish them a wonderful life. Don't think I can't be happy for him/them because I can. Hope springs eternal.
It's just that me and my girlfriends are a bit suspicious when an American man has to import. We see the woman far from her family and support system, sometimes financially unable to leave if she wants to.
My old friend is someone who always has to have his own way. He needs someone to live around him and make his life easier. He's not someone who has ever physically abused another person, but he can be passive aggressive. He has a good sense of humor. Sometimes it's a bit wicked.
A mutual friend said, "Come on Sister, he's an A-hole! The reason you're not close anymore is that as the years went by he became less and less flexible, less willing and able to meet you half way on anything. You two used to go to films a lot. It got to where if he wasn't picking the film, he wasn't going!"
Yea.
C 2017 Never Married No Kids - BlogSpot
5/17/17
ONE IN FOUR OF YOU WILL MEET AGE 50 NEVER MARRIED
THE CONVERSTION - MORE PEOPLE THAN EVER BEFORE ARE SINGLE - and that's a good thing by Bella DePaula, a social scientist from UC Santa Barbara
EXCERPT:
In fact, people who live alone are often the life of their cities and towns. They tend to participate in more civic groups and public events, enroll in more art and music classes, and go out to dinner more often than people who live with others. Single people, regardless of whether they live alone or with others, also volunteer more for social service organizations, educational groups, hospitals and organizations devoted to the arts than people who are married.
In contrast, when couples move in together or get married, they tend to become more insular, even if they don’t have children.
EXCERPT:
In fact, people who live alone are often the life of their cities and towns. They tend to participate in more civic groups and public events, enroll in more art and music classes, and go out to dinner more often than people who live with others. Single people, regardless of whether they live alone or with others, also volunteer more for social service organizations, educational groups, hospitals and organizations devoted to the arts than people who are married.
In contrast, when couples move in together or get married, they tend to become more insular, even if they don’t have children.
5/14/17
HAPPY NURTERERS DAY to ALL YOU NON PARENTS
Nurturer? Well, it seems there is a day on our calendar to remember dad with cards and gifts and outings to restaurants, and another on our calendar for mom.
But I think these days are gender specific and what we need is ONE DAY to HONOR ALL OF US WHO NURTURE!
Think of all the ways you as a NMNK nurture. It's taking care of parents, family members, neighbors, and people who are not related to us but who, because of our job description, are still nurtured by us. If you are a teacher, social worker, psychologist, this is a little or a lot true.
We also nurture our pets. And our plants.
We don't have to be married or personally have children to be good and kind, giving and uplifting to other people, to aid them in self realization or fulfillment, so that they can best participate in life!
C 2017 Never Married No Kids BlogSpot.
But I think these days are gender specific and what we need is ONE DAY to HONOR ALL OF US WHO NURTURE!
Think of all the ways you as a NMNK nurture. It's taking care of parents, family members, neighbors, and people who are not related to us but who, because of our job description, are still nurtured by us. If you are a teacher, social worker, psychologist, this is a little or a lot true.
We also nurture our pets. And our plants.
We don't have to be married or personally have children to be good and kind, giving and uplifting to other people, to aid them in self realization or fulfillment, so that they can best participate in life!
C 2017 Never Married No Kids BlogSpot.
5/10/17
NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS NO SURGERY?
Recently I needed minor surgery. So minor that while I was told I needed it I was also told my insurance would not pay for me to be put to sleep for the hour or so it would take. I felt I needed to be put to sleep because I have anxiety about it, about pain, and because it's not easy for me to hold still. I didn't want to be aware of what was going on.
So I was told OK, but you pay $400 out of your own pocket for the IV drip and medication. I agreed and was about ready to make my appointment for this out patient procedure. But then I was told that the surgery could not be done because I have no one to take me home. I said that I would take a cab, they didn't have to worry about me driving. No, I had to have a person with me to and fro, someone to stay with me. Since I do not know of anyone who wants to take a half day to two days off from work, I cancelled. The hell with it. I'll live with it. I'm not up for any lectures from these unrealistic medical people.
Of course this brings up the fact that currently most people who are seniors do have a son, daughter, or living spouse who can take them to hospitals and back, and be there for them when they recovery from an outpatient surgery, but that increasingly, there are going to be people like me who do not, and whose insurance isn't going to pay for a qualified stranger - a nurse or caregiver - to be in the home. There are many of these seniors who are often original home owners in my neighborhood, and I hate to say it, but those who have only one or two children have pretty much used guilt so that those children don't have the audacity to leave town for their careers or their marriages. The healthy boundaries aren't there. it's more "how dare you leave me!"
Of course, the idea that one would have one or more children selfishly, with an eye to one's own personal fulfillment or the meeting of one's needs in seniorhood, is abhorrent to me. I know that some of my friends through the years have married also to not be "alone" in life. I do feel that we have obligation to our family (when they have been and are good to us. If they have been or are abusive - NO!) As someone who has visited and looked in on more than one senior citizen neighbor who had children and grandchildren who were NOT looking in on them, I know that having children is no guarantee that you won't be alone in seniorhood. (Some of these children were given college educations, new cars, down payments on houses, and much else, but still don't much look in on their parents.)
Last year I had the experience of meeting a senior citizen's daughter for the first time, as she was incoming with her husband from Europe. Long lovingly married to his sweetheart, this senior had just experienced the loss of her after near 60 years of marriage. They seemed to be a couple that were truly soul mates. In their 80's they were still holding hands when they walked along. He was of course devastated and had lost his bearings. The fact that he still works helped a lot! So, the daughter, who goes from city to city with her husband, we can assume because they are part of a crowd that does that, decided I should look in on her dad and e-mail her about his condition, since I like her dad. In other words, this monied woman, whose parents were and are financially good to her, and who lives off a trust, and travels around, decided that I, a much poorer person, should do this out of the goodness of my heart, no charge.
I like my neighbor, and when I'm out and about walking my dog in his neighborhood, certainly I'll want to say hi how are you? But, well, you get the idea. I don't want to take on her responsibility, as I've already been responsible with my own parents. I'm not looking to be a care-giver at this point.
It seems to me that the medical profession needs to get with it when it comes to NMNK people. Yes, some of us have friends who can and will take time off work to see us back and forth for medical procedures. But I think my NMNK situation will become more and more common.
Looking further into this, I have often been asked as a matter of routine if I have filed a MEDICAL DIRECTIVE yet. Looking into it, I learned that MEDICAL DIRECTIVES are near useless unless a family member is there to enforce it. Hospitals and doctors cannot be counted on to look yours up in their files during an emergency. So you may not want to be hooked up, but will be anyway, unless someone close to you takes the ride in the ambulance with your paperwork in hand.
Am I sorry I didn't have children?
No, I'm not.
C 2017 Never Married No Kids BlogSpot All Rights Reserved.
So I was told OK, but you pay $400 out of your own pocket for the IV drip and medication. I agreed and was about ready to make my appointment for this out patient procedure. But then I was told that the surgery could not be done because I have no one to take me home. I said that I would take a cab, they didn't have to worry about me driving. No, I had to have a person with me to and fro, someone to stay with me. Since I do not know of anyone who wants to take a half day to two days off from work, I cancelled. The hell with it. I'll live with it. I'm not up for any lectures from these unrealistic medical people.
Of course this brings up the fact that currently most people who are seniors do have a son, daughter, or living spouse who can take them to hospitals and back, and be there for them when they recovery from an outpatient surgery, but that increasingly, there are going to be people like me who do not, and whose insurance isn't going to pay for a qualified stranger - a nurse or caregiver - to be in the home. There are many of these seniors who are often original home owners in my neighborhood, and I hate to say it, but those who have only one or two children have pretty much used guilt so that those children don't have the audacity to leave town for their careers or their marriages. The healthy boundaries aren't there. it's more "how dare you leave me!"
Of course, the idea that one would have one or more children selfishly, with an eye to one's own personal fulfillment or the meeting of one's needs in seniorhood, is abhorrent to me. I know that some of my friends through the years have married also to not be "alone" in life. I do feel that we have obligation to our family (when they have been and are good to us. If they have been or are abusive - NO!) As someone who has visited and looked in on more than one senior citizen neighbor who had children and grandchildren who were NOT looking in on them, I know that having children is no guarantee that you won't be alone in seniorhood. (Some of these children were given college educations, new cars, down payments on houses, and much else, but still don't much look in on their parents.)
Last year I had the experience of meeting a senior citizen's daughter for the first time, as she was incoming with her husband from Europe. Long lovingly married to his sweetheart, this senior had just experienced the loss of her after near 60 years of marriage. They seemed to be a couple that were truly soul mates. In their 80's they were still holding hands when they walked along. He was of course devastated and had lost his bearings. The fact that he still works helped a lot! So, the daughter, who goes from city to city with her husband, we can assume because they are part of a crowd that does that, decided I should look in on her dad and e-mail her about his condition, since I like her dad. In other words, this monied woman, whose parents were and are financially good to her, and who lives off a trust, and travels around, decided that I, a much poorer person, should do this out of the goodness of my heart, no charge.
I like my neighbor, and when I'm out and about walking my dog in his neighborhood, certainly I'll want to say hi how are you? But, well, you get the idea. I don't want to take on her responsibility, as I've already been responsible with my own parents. I'm not looking to be a care-giver at this point.
It seems to me that the medical profession needs to get with it when it comes to NMNK people. Yes, some of us have friends who can and will take time off work to see us back and forth for medical procedures. But I think my NMNK situation will become more and more common.
Looking further into this, I have often been asked as a matter of routine if I have filed a MEDICAL DIRECTIVE yet. Looking into it, I learned that MEDICAL DIRECTIVES are near useless unless a family member is there to enforce it. Hospitals and doctors cannot be counted on to look yours up in their files during an emergency. So you may not want to be hooked up, but will be anyway, unless someone close to you takes the ride in the ambulance with your paperwork in hand.
Am I sorry I didn't have children?
No, I'm not.
C 2017 Never Married No Kids BlogSpot All Rights Reserved.
4/27/17
MARRIAGE TOO EXPENSIVE IN AMERICA or OUT OF STYLE?
A couple articles have come out about this lately, so here are the links...
WASHINGTON POST/ ECONOMY - MARRIAGE TOO EXPENSIVE by Michelle Singletary
(I wonder about her surname...)
EXCERPT: The researchers concluded that middle-income families can afford to spend the money to maintain the intimacy of their marriage or deal with troubled children while working-class people are priced out of the institution because they don’t have the money to pay for “therapy, horses, college, and gyms to stay happy together.”
and this one
SLATE - MARRIAGE ONLY MIDDLE CLASS AMERICANS CAN AFFORD by Amanda Hess
EXCERPT: For their new paper "Intimate Inequalities: Love and Work in a Post-Industrial Landscape," University of Virginia sociologist Sarah Corse and Harvard sociologist Jennifer Silva interviewed 300 working- and middle-class Americans like Cindy, Megan, Earl, and Jan about their work and relationships. They found that as the American workforce and the American marriage have destabilized over the past half-century, marriage has become an increasingly inaccessible option for working-class Americans. While middle-class people like Earl and Jan are throwing money at their intimate relationships to keep them stable, working-class people like Cindy and Megan have been priced out of the institution.
WASHINGTON POST/ ECONOMY - MARRIAGE TOO EXPENSIVE by Michelle Singletary
(I wonder about her surname...)
EXCERPT: The researchers concluded that middle-income families can afford to spend the money to maintain the intimacy of their marriage or deal with troubled children while working-class people are priced out of the institution because they don’t have the money to pay for “therapy, horses, college, and gyms to stay happy together.”
and this one
SLATE - MARRIAGE ONLY MIDDLE CLASS AMERICANS CAN AFFORD by Amanda Hess
EXCERPT: For their new paper "Intimate Inequalities: Love and Work in a Post-Industrial Landscape," University of Virginia sociologist Sarah Corse and Harvard sociologist Jennifer Silva interviewed 300 working- and middle-class Americans like Cindy, Megan, Earl, and Jan about their work and relationships. They found that as the American workforce and the American marriage have destabilized over the past half-century, marriage has become an increasingly inaccessible option for working-class Americans. While middle-class people like Earl and Jan are throwing money at their intimate relationships to keep them stable, working-class people like Cindy and Megan have been priced out of the institution.
4/24/17
THE LOBSTER : NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS FILM REVIEW
Watched this one on DVD and it was COMPELLING. It's called a wickedly funny comedy but I can't imagine laughing. I saw the film as a major commentary (or deconstruction, if you will) of the pressure to make people conform to couplehood. Even recently widowed people check in to what is an insane asylum. The clinics management and staff are simply absurd. Patients, willingly it seems, check themselves into the place and have 45 days to find a partner and give up being a "loner." Though some of them have been married before, there is no time for grieving. The awkwardness of the patients gives the impression that they are all seriously disturbed, beyond depression. There is an emotional coldness to everyone.
The staff performs odd plays to illustrate what happens to a man or woman who isn't coupled. And you learn to "go hunting," to kill single people.
What happens if you "don't make it," ? Well, you get turned into an animal of your choice, by surgery of some sort. It's set in the realizable future, but take heart - this surgery isn't available yet in the United States. The character Colin Farrel plays checks in with his brother - a dog. He wants to be a lobster for good reasons such as longevity and fertility. Maybe the fertility is a clue, because as the days go by, he sees that he cannot stay partnered up with the woman who slaughters his dog brother, and escapes into the woods.
Ah - the woods! The city versus country dichotomy. What's more natural than the woods? But since conformity is in question, no doubt that the loners who live in the woods also expect conformity. So darn if The Lobster does find love with another loner, a woman who is purposely blinded in the city by a doctor who must somehow be paid well by this rebel leader.
Of course you have to suspend disbelief, and it's all surreal, but if you're like me you'll love this movie for reasons well beyond humor!
C 2017 Never Married No Kids - BlogSpot
3/28/17
CHILD FREE AND OK WITH IT - BUT STILL DEALING WITH MORAL SCOLDING by AMANDA MARCOTTE for SALON
Is social pressure to be coupled or to have children - even if you don't have the resources to do so - so strong that even college students studying PSYCHOLOGY expect "normality" to include having children?
SALON CHILDFREE MORAL SCOLDING and SOCIAL DISAPPROVAL
EXCERPT:
She argued in an interview by phone that “when we encounter people who violate, in some way, these strongly prescribed roles or norms, like interest in having children, then there’s great potential for social backlash.” She added, “We feel like people are morally defective in their decision or behavior, and we’re motivated to ‘punish’ them in some way, usually social sanction.”
Ashburn-Nardo was curious to see if the increasingly high rates of childlessness in our culture were reducing the amount of social judgment against the deliberately child-free. To test this, she brought in a group of 204 undergraduate psychology students, under the pretense of testing their ability to predict the future, and had them read a short vignette about a former student who had married his or her college sweetheart. Half the students read about someone who had chosen to have two children, and half read about a person who had elected to have none. They were then asked to fill out a survey to measure their attitudes about the former student..."
SALON CHILDFREE MORAL SCOLDING and SOCIAL DISAPPROVAL
EXCERPT:
She argued in an interview by phone that “when we encounter people who violate, in some way, these strongly prescribed roles or norms, like interest in having children, then there’s great potential for social backlash.” She added, “We feel like people are morally defective in their decision or behavior, and we’re motivated to ‘punish’ them in some way, usually social sanction.”
Ashburn-Nardo was curious to see if the increasingly high rates of childlessness in our culture were reducing the amount of social judgment against the deliberately child-free. To test this, she brought in a group of 204 undergraduate psychology students, under the pretense of testing their ability to predict the future, and had them read a short vignette about a former student who had married his or her college sweetheart. Half the students read about someone who had chosen to have two children, and half read about a person who had elected to have none. They were then asked to fill out a survey to measure their attitudes about the former student..."
2/14/17
LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH - HAPPY VALENTINES TO ALL OF YOU WHO NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS!
LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH ALL THE TIME - YOU!
I know that some of you really are selfish, self centered, self concerned, all the time, but I'm betting most of you are NMNK for other reasons. PROVE YOU LOVE YOU!
Get enough sleep! No easy thing in todays world but necessary for your immunity and overall heath. To do it you have to try and keep a regular schedule which may mean limiting how much time you spend on the phone, or getting into a routine when it comes to household have to's. Sit down with yourself and think over your priorities. There is only so much time in the day and you can't get straight A's when you're taking too many units.
Have A Few Close Friends! While I think we should take emergency calls from family or our few truly close friends, generally I prefer to meet with a person for coffee or have dinner together to have revealing conversations and use the phone for making plans. Once in a while reassess. Have you been a taker or a giver? With who? Why?
Date - Honestly. Freudian Psychology be damned. If someone isn't compatible and companionable with you, make them a friend, or give them up so they can move on to someone better for them and free you up. If you have to end a relationship that's going nowhere, or only held together with sentimentality, be kind about how you do that.
Put Your Parents In Their Place! If your parent(s) are pressuring you to "settle down and get married," or give them a grandchild or do anything that and you don't want to, it's time to take mom or dad out to lunch, and tell them you no longer wish to discuss your personal romances with them, no longer want to be nagged, and that they will be the first person to know if you change you mind! Come out with it. Refuse to be guilt tripped into anything. Set your boundaries.
Treat Yourself! Gift yourself some pleasure like a vacation trip, spa day, or upgrade of your computer or cell phone, something that is a reward for work, and will help you relax and be a bit more organized.
1/10/17
FAKE NEWS STORIES - NEWS ROT - THE NEGATIVE EFFECT ON YOUR PYSCHE
About six weeks ago, I finally started e- reading, mostly books. It was time. I had noticed that I was reading Daily Mail UK too much, though the publication does have some excellent coverage of "hard news," such as the Presidential election, it's very driven by the 'soft news" of celebrity, especially women so desperate for attention that they are exhibitionists, and coverage of inhuman acts and terrorism. I started feeling that nothing was right with this world, and that's simply not true. I had also grown unhappy with my news AP, which I upgraded and still don't much like. There's nothing like a news AP to reveal how repetitive the news gets and how few real journalists there are, fact checking, making sure that an issue has coverage from more than one point of view and isn't just a PR piece being placed in as fact. Then there is the spectacle of FAKE NEWS STORIES, which do come up on news APS and which I had to work my way through, when wanting to know the real story, about the hacking scandals, the election, and much else. FAKE NEWS STORIES waste our time. Reading e-books of my choice has drastically cut down on the amount of time I'm reading information that I can't rely on and that I don't want to color my outlook negatively.
It occurred to me that those who do not have the constant and chronic overwrought of child bearing and raising, though rarely living lives of leisure, might actually expose themselves more, and that all this might be having a profoundly negative effect on us.
Consider that the Daily Mail UK seems to always have the expose on abusive parents, especially those who torture and kill their children. It's not that I don't want to know these things happen, it's that it seems that people without ethics and morals of any sort, sociopaths, psychopaths, people a whole lot like Charlie Manson and his ilk, are everywhere. It's as if evil is taking over the world.
Not having children myself does not mean that I hate children or that I'm not a child advocate! In fact, understanding what a child needs to prosper, even feeling at times that no person should be allowed to raise a child who hasn't completed special classes to learn how to, is one of the many reasons I chose not to have children. I know that I do not have the resources.
Over the holidays I was thinking about all the children in the world who are born to die, the children who labor to support themselves and their families and never go to school, the girls who are sex trafficked or raped or sold into slavery or married off before they can safely have sex, be pregnant, and deliver a baby. Because these are often people "of color" and in the so called "Third World" one has to be sensitive to cultural differences and expectations, but IF EVERY CHILD IN THIS WORLD WERE WANTED, and FURTHER, COULD BE AFFORDED BY IT'S PARENT(S), THERE WOULD BE NO OVERPOPULATION!
This year I don't know how often I will have to face off with, or walk away from, or ignore, people who want to find fault with me, people who want to think of me as defective in some way, for not having children. This discrimination against me and my type seems to be never ending. WHEN OTHER WOMEN are finding fault with me, I really have to wonder what their version of feminism is, if any. Nothing is worse than a woman who defines herself by motherhood and then raises brats!
To me, any publication that propagates the notion or belief that being NEVER MARRIED - NO KIDS is not a valid and proper choice for some of us, is basically a FAKE NEWS outlet.
Sister
C 2017 Never Married No Kids BlogSpot Com
It occurred to me that those who do not have the constant and chronic overwrought of child bearing and raising, though rarely living lives of leisure, might actually expose themselves more, and that all this might be having a profoundly negative effect on us.
Consider that the Daily Mail UK seems to always have the expose on abusive parents, especially those who torture and kill their children. It's not that I don't want to know these things happen, it's that it seems that people without ethics and morals of any sort, sociopaths, psychopaths, people a whole lot like Charlie Manson and his ilk, are everywhere. It's as if evil is taking over the world.
Not having children myself does not mean that I hate children or that I'm not a child advocate! In fact, understanding what a child needs to prosper, even feeling at times that no person should be allowed to raise a child who hasn't completed special classes to learn how to, is one of the many reasons I chose not to have children. I know that I do not have the resources.
Over the holidays I was thinking about all the children in the world who are born to die, the children who labor to support themselves and their families and never go to school, the girls who are sex trafficked or raped or sold into slavery or married off before they can safely have sex, be pregnant, and deliver a baby. Because these are often people "of color" and in the so called "Third World" one has to be sensitive to cultural differences and expectations, but IF EVERY CHILD IN THIS WORLD WERE WANTED, and FURTHER, COULD BE AFFORDED BY IT'S PARENT(S), THERE WOULD BE NO OVERPOPULATION!
This year I don't know how often I will have to face off with, or walk away from, or ignore, people who want to find fault with me, people who want to think of me as defective in some way, for not having children. This discrimination against me and my type seems to be never ending. WHEN OTHER WOMEN are finding fault with me, I really have to wonder what their version of feminism is, if any. Nothing is worse than a woman who defines herself by motherhood and then raises brats!
To me, any publication that propagates the notion or belief that being NEVER MARRIED - NO KIDS is not a valid and proper choice for some of us, is basically a FAKE NEWS outlet.
Sister
C 2017 Never Married No Kids BlogSpot Com
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