REVISITING KIDFREE AND LOVING IT

KIDFREE AND LOVING IT - RESOURCES including TERMINOLOGY   (EVER WANT TO KNOW WHAT DIAPERWHIPPED MEANS?!

JOEY RAMONE : NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS

Born Jeffry Ross Hyman, every profile of Joey I've ever read says he had girlfriends but... some even claim to know he was "sterile!"  Really!  As if infertility would explain why someone would not marry!  Maybe he didn't want to.  Maybe he didn't have to.   Joey died in 2001 of lymphoma cancer.


HERE'S his web site :JOEY RAMONE.COM

SINGLE PARENTS EXCLUDED FROM MARRIAGE AS BEST FORM OF COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP?

PARENTING BLOG - DOES CHAMPIONING MARRIAGE   VERY INTERESTING ARTICLE!

"The theory that the “hollowing out of marriage” is harming children comes from the kinds of statistics and anecdotes described earlier this year in “Two Classes, Divided by ‘I Do’”: lower scores on standardized tests, poorer grades and an increased likelihood of dropping out of high school or failing to attend college; and stories of single parents with little time left after work, who struggle to provide the same access to activities, help with homework or even to read aloud."

SISTER HERE!  FOR ME PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE A STRONG MARRIAGE COMES FIRST BEFORE HAVING CHILDREN DOES and that no one should decide how many children they want before marriage or agree to more than one until they've actually had one.  BEFORE MARRIAGE people ought to discuss their feelings and thoughts about having children though, and it's unethical to claim you want to have children when you don't just to get someone to marry you.  If one person feels strongly that they do not want children, then they shouldn't make a life partner out of someone who could not live without children.  At issue is age, health, stability of income...  Children cost money and loving them won't make up for destitution.

As for the gay marriage issue, I'm all for it, without it being my own personal issue.

UNCONVENTIONAL NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS? HERE ARE SOME RETORTS TO STUPID QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS!

1) When I hear someone saying something stupid about me on the basis that I'm NMNK I will speak up and tell them "That's Stupid!"  (I'm especially sick of hearing "You never gave birth so you don't know what it is to raise/have a child.")

2) When someone such as a stranger asks me my marital status I will say "unavailable," and offer no further explaination than "Just am."  (If you don't have the courage for this try saying unmarried rather than single.  You really do not owe strangers personal information anyway.)

3) When someone such as a stupid stranger asks (usually because they just learned I'm NMNK) "Have you ever been in love?"  I'll say "Am I a human being?"

4) When someone suggests that I'm childless because I "ran out of time,"  I'll say, "NO actually not having children was my PLAN!)

5) When someone tries to introduce me to someone else for the purposes of matchmaking I will no longer agree just because I like this middle-person.  I will ask "What makes you think this person and me are compatible?"  and "Let me think about it."

6) When I meet someone who has a woe is me attitude simply because they have not married or had children (yet) I will suggest to them that they read this blog!

THE HOLIDAYS FOR ONE!

Here we are closing into the last cluster of Holidays - Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve, and New Years, and I haven't got a date and I don't care.  I'm not depressed.  I don't feel bad for myself.  I like being single and unattached.  I have freedom compared to most people I know who are overworked from having jobs and having families.  Many of these people say they do it all for their children, but rarely have quality time for those children.  Everything they do is in a rush. It's chaos most of the time.  Most of them overdose their children with gifts to make up for the time they don't have to spend with them. Most of these children are spoiled.

As far as visiting other people goes, me and my doggie are planning on a three mile walk that will allow us to visit my 92 year old senior citizen friend some time soon.  He lost a wife he met while a young teenager and thus knew for over 60 years when she died and has children and grandchildren but is mostly alone most of the time.  I respect him because he reads and writes, keeping his intellect.  He gets out of the house more than most people his age and refuses to use a cane.  At the senior living home he's in there are 10 women for every one man and he's still keeping all of them at arm's length.  His wife was it for him and I get that.

I feel happy that I have all my (minimal) shopping done.  That my cupboards are stocked with food.  That I have a bunch of old movies I want to watch and a plan to eat healthy while I watch them, doggie at my side.   Wishing my readers Happy Holiday for ONE!   Sister

A STAY AT HOME THANKSGIVING - ME AND MY RECENTLY ATTACKED DOG

Maybe it's because these days it's not uncommon to eat turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and green beans any time of the year, when you have a taste for it, but I'm in no mood for THANKSGIVING.

A few days ago I felt up for it, but now I want to stay home with my dog.

What happened to change my mind or my mood?

My dog, a small dog, was attacked while we were on an early morning walk by a big black dog, a dog unleashed.

As we approached the usual cross over from cement to wood chips, an area my dog gets stickies on from time to time and so goes cautiously on, I noticed the dogs were looking at each other and appeared stalled.  I attributed my dog's caution to wanting to survey the area and go slow over it, so I continued and she followed.  Suddenly the big black dog was upon her and since she was leashed she couldn't get away.  She tried to duck as he growled and tried to chew up her snout and head.  I was screaming out loud!  The owner of the black dog called him off to no avail.  I pushed the big black dog away, fearless in the moment, which was a little crazy.  He went for another round at her. Finally he pulled her away.  This big black dog had hatred in its eyes.

"There's a leash law in this town and a $1200 fine for having your dog off leash for starters, " I said.  Your dog wanted to maul my dog and kill her.  She's small and timid.  She doesn't defend herself.  She has a hard time imagining anyone - any dog - wouldn't like her."

The man seemed quiet and maybe remorseful.

I checked for wounds and blood and miraculously saw none.  I like to think that the big black dog got mostly her long hair in its mouth.

No I didn't get his ID etc.  I don't know him or where he lives.  (Only later by description did I realize that this may be the man who the neighborhood is looking for, a man with a big dog that never bends to pick up his dog's shit!)

I picked up my dog and walked her about 30 feet and then set her back down to walk home.  At home I put her under the bed covers with me.  She seemed OK.  I hoped what they say is true, that a dog is forgetful, but within the hour she had thrown up on the carpet.  It was nerves - trauma.  Her little body holds this memory.

I had to leave her for the day.

Later, after talking to a friend who has three dogs smaller than mine, I decided to take her advice and feed my dog baby food incase her stomach was upset.  Indeed it was.  For a week she'd ignored the wheatgrass I have planted on the doorstep in a pot.  Now she was avid to eat the wheatgrass.  She ate only half a jar of the beef baby food puree and then snuggled right next to me in bed.

It's my turn to try and cry out the inner hysteria I felt when unthinkingly trying to rescue her from attack.  I've been on the verge of tears since, angry, and scared.

What if she had been mauled and this owner had run off and instead of having her next to me she was DEAD?  What if I'd had to put her asleep?

So I am THANKFUL that I have my dog alive and well.

THE LIE THAT YOU CAN'T MAKE A COMMITMENT

ARE PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO BE NMNK really unable to make a commitment to another person. Is that the "real reason" the person is unmarried, maybe even unable to venture into relationships?

This idea is popular among THERAPISTS who at this point believe that everyone is diagnosable and with every diagnosis there is a medication to take, though in this case "fear of commitment" will likely respond to an antidepressant! 

Here is how it goes.  You seek therapy because you are unhappy.  Most often you are unhappy because of your relationships.  The therapist wants to dig first of all into your relationship with your parents, then your siblings, and so on.  But you know, there are some situations that are not worth fixing, that are best to give up on, though that may be painful. 

As I see it, anyone who ruins their own life blaming their parents for it, is probably just using that as an excuse.  Maybe in your twenties but when is the turning point?  I know someone who is now near 60 who is still explaining to women he goes on dates with about his parent's bad marriage.  Please! 

This idea, that you may not want to be married as a problem with commitment, is also popular among family members and friends who want to be embarrassed by their children and friends who are living what they consider to be an unconventional lifestyle. I would guess there are those who would rather say their son or daughter is in a committed gay relationship than say that there child is simply NMNK!

Yes, I believe these things because over time I've experienced hearing people make excuses for me, when no excuses are/were needed. I've heard things - usually not to my face - but around.

For instance, a relative of mine, someone who in the end proved to be deceitful, decided to introduce me to a man who while educated and handsome was looking for a wife so he could stay in the United States. Yes, he was "age appropriate."

Since then I have been approached just walking down the street by men from Israel, India, Iran, who must be looking for women who are not wearing wedding rings, looking for someone to marry their friend, to keep him in the country!  These people who are from more traditional religions or cultures actually have tried to sell me on marrying them as if this marriage of convenience would be good for me!  Excuse me?

She invited him to a THANKSGIVING DINNER that she knew I would attend and didn't even have the respect to ask me if I wanted an introduction before hand, so there I went and it was so embarrassing! First of all, I'm not a pawn in her schemes and secondly, she showed no respect for what I had said about myself and my interests in conversations with her previously. I said I was not interested in having children. She told this man I was "family oriented."

SO SHE APOLOGIZED TO THIS MAN SAYING THAT I HAD A FEAR OF COMMITMENT!

I don't believe that people who really have a fear of commitment are able to commit to much at all.  Me, I've been committed to jobs, pet ownership, and my family of origin.

IS THERE SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR YOU?

Sister here! 

Reading over the article from AARP that I recently put up a link to, an article which says that one out of three Baby Boomers never married, I began to think about statistics. 

I wonder if the people who are running those numbers about how many have never married have kept track of how many Baby Boomers never married, but who did have long term relationships living separate, or how many people were "just living together" without the "benefit of marriage."   (How about how many of these people who never married have children?)

In truth I believe the long term celibate and long term alone-but-not-lonely who are also childless is a much smaller number, but yes, alone in old age can be difficult without a lot of money to buy the care you need and that just may be where a whole lot of us who used to think of ourselves as middle class are heading, speaking of years of economic downturn here in the USA. 

Our society is accommodating these changes first by recognizing that the old roles of husband and wife are pretty much only sentimental favorites and then questioning what makes a marriage.

Marriage is first of all, despite all the romance that may move two people to make a legal commitment, an economic partnership which, for hundreds of years, had a lot to do with raising children who had your genes.  The role of women has been and continues to be the CAREGIVER, if not of children then parents.

Today I'm also thinking about the idea, which I still see in print quite a bit, an idea both Old Fashioned and New Age, and that is the idea that FOR EVERY ONE THERE IS SOMEONE and that  you will find your soul mate, your perfect partner.

I'm sorry, but I think the numbers of people who actually have a marriage with a Soul Mate are very few, and then they are, though it may be ridiculous, the envy of most everyone else.

The idea that there is someone out there "for" you, if only you could find them, is true has EVEN BEEN PROPAGATED BY PEOPLE WHO THEMSELVES HAD MARRIAGES THAT WERE ARRANGED by family, parents, or friends, even if it was simply an introduction for the purposes of marriage.

So you may ask yourself, how could people who married someone chosen for them could tell their grandchildren and great-grandchildren, especially when a romance fails and there is heartbreak, "Don't worry, there is some one out there for you. There is some one for everyone and he/she will move the earth to find you." 

The truth is, their expectations about what makes a marriage are very different than yours and they may be honestly satisfied with how things worked out or were in the end.  The truth is that they compromised by "making do" with someone who was "good enough" even if not perfect.  THEY LEARNED TO LOVE THIS PERSON and ignore or accommodate their faults, after all who doesn't have faults?  These people are also the ones who say things like "Lower your expectations. Or "Everyone settles."

If you're one of the Lonely Hearts out there, this may be very good advice, especially if you really want and need to be married.  Because holding out for the impossible stops you from living and loving right here and now.  It postpones marriage or partnership to the point where waiting for perfection is just foolery.

TO BE NMNK happily, is not to be NMNK on hold for marriage due to unrealistic and impossible expectations.

If you are reading this and you WANT AND NEED TO BE MARRIED, it's OK, I may be writing a blog about the NMNK experience and lifestyle as a positive, but I do understand that for some people it's a matter of Fate and Others Choice and for some an Accident or No Choice At All!

AN HONEST SELF EVALUATION IS THE FIRST STEP.  You might ask yourself how it is you meet people, you might do a little research into your past relationships and ask yourself how they started and ended and what the issues were.  I find the Rules For Dating books by Ellen and Sherrie to be interesting though I don't think all men are one way and all women are another.  Taking the hint from these women, who have updated their dating philosophy to embrace on-line dating, it would seem that women are doing too much pursuing, too much making a relationship more than it is, and hanging in to a going nowhere relationship when they should be out there meeting more men.  In other words, desperate.

If you are desperate in the dating stage you'll probably desperately hold onto a bad marriage too.

Is there something wrong with just having fun?  If you have fun when dating, and then you do marry, that sense of humor may be just the thing when you have hard times and we all have hard times.

C 2013 Never Married No Kids - An Intentional Community / Sister

CHILDLESS MOTHERS CONNECT SITE - FREE MEMBERSHIP - FOR ALL WOMEN EVEN THOSE WHO HAVE NOT HAD CHILDREN

CHILDLESS MOTHERS CONNECT web site link here.  VERY EXCITING!  VERY PROACTIVE!   Are YOU an ADORING AUNTIE?