"Don't judge her."
"You don't know her like we do."
"You don't know, you're not a parent."
"You've never given birth."
"He's just a little A.D.D."
"It must be the sugar."
"All the other kids in his class have __________."
"Could you babysit so we can get out?"
"He'll grow out of it."
"I told him there are two kinds of people out there and we're the HAVES."
*****************************************************************
I recently took some criticism because I was looking for an inexpensive place to rent so I could teach a class, someone I know thought that I wanted to teach children, and when I said no, "Adults who want to learn. I don't want to deal with the discipline problems."
Showing posts with label single parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single parents. Show all posts
3/4/15
WHY EVEN LIVE TOGETHER? IF YOU'RE SINGLE AND SELF SUPPORTING ENJOY YOUR OWN SPACE!
I was reading a magazine that focuses on the YOGA lifestyle, a healthy, spiritual lifestyle, and there was an article written by a woman who discovered she was pregnant two weeks after a break up after which He had moved out. She considers this pregnancy to be somehow fated, perhaps because now she is 38. Without knowing the specifics of the relationship and the whys of the break up, if she told him or where the hell he was, I wondered why she was so determined to go forth as a single mother bravely.
I had to ask myself...
WHY EVEN LIVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE? Why take the chance that your little experiment in compatibility might end with you both going your own ways?
LIVE WITH... as in "living in sin", shacking up, Cohabitation...
The unwillingness to meld households and finances with an official legal ceremony is pretty telling, isn't it? LIVING TOGETHER is mostly NOT MARRIAGE. It is mostly NOT COMMITMENT. (And here I'm not referring to those who would if they could, have same sex marriage.)
Unwed and capable of supporting yourself without being supported by someone else, WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIMITING YOUR OPTIONS when you are NOT REALLY SURE this person is it for you? If you were really sure you would probably marry.
Hey, I know that lots of couples are living together, some in COMMON LAW marriages, and I know that most often it is combining income and resources that makes saving money possible and sometimes real estate affordable. Most often it is combining income that makes HAVING A CHILD or CHILDREN affordable. Real estate and children - security - is a good reason to have a commitment with another person, a means of surviving and thriving.
But say you are doing fine independently. Maybe you live in a single or a room in a house with a separate entrance, if you cannot afford your own condo or single family home, but you can afford to do so.
IS THERE SOME REASON TO HAVE A SPERM DONOR LIVE WITH YOU?
So, if you are willing to have a baby on your own, WHY were you "JUST living together"?
Instead of taking the anonymous sperm donation option? Considering how much involvement this person will have with you and your mutual child...
I wonder...
is she even going to TELL him he's the father? (He has the right to know.)
is she not telling him because she doesn't want him in the child's life (because once there is a child it is not all about her life!)
C 2015 Sister Speaks - NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS BlogSpot
All Rights Reserved
I had to ask myself...
WHY EVEN LIVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE? Why take the chance that your little experiment in compatibility might end with you both going your own ways?
LIVE WITH... as in "living in sin", shacking up, Cohabitation...
The unwillingness to meld households and finances with an official legal ceremony is pretty telling, isn't it? LIVING TOGETHER is mostly NOT MARRIAGE. It is mostly NOT COMMITMENT. (And here I'm not referring to those who would if they could, have same sex marriage.)
Unwed and capable of supporting yourself without being supported by someone else, WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIMITING YOUR OPTIONS when you are NOT REALLY SURE this person is it for you? If you were really sure you would probably marry.
Hey, I know that lots of couples are living together, some in COMMON LAW marriages, and I know that most often it is combining income and resources that makes saving money possible and sometimes real estate affordable. Most often it is combining income that makes HAVING A CHILD or CHILDREN affordable. Real estate and children - security - is a good reason to have a commitment with another person, a means of surviving and thriving.
But say you are doing fine independently. Maybe you live in a single or a room in a house with a separate entrance, if you cannot afford your own condo or single family home, but you can afford to do so.
IS THERE SOME REASON TO HAVE A SPERM DONOR LIVE WITH YOU?
So, if you are willing to have a baby on your own, WHY were you "JUST living together"?
Instead of taking the anonymous sperm donation option? Considering how much involvement this person will have with you and your mutual child...
I wonder...
is she even going to TELL him he's the father? (He has the right to know.)
is she not telling him because she doesn't want him in the child's life (because once there is a child it is not all about her life!)
C 2015 Sister Speaks - NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS BlogSpot
All Rights Reserved
1/5/15
THE SINGLE MOTHER WHO HELPED REINFORCE MY VOW TO REMAIN NK
My New Year began with the professional cleaning of a carpet, the removal of a small sofa that had in the last few months popped a spring and broken a leg, and the purchase of another sofa from a single mother across the way who was moving about thirty miles away to more affordable housing, she said with the help of her friends.
I never asked her how it was that she got stranded by the child's father, but perhaps I didn't need to know and she didn't need to tell the all too typical story. Her daughter is, I feel lucky, as I think the fatherless family unit is possibly even worse for sons. Her daughter is also very beautiful and intelligent beyond her years but perhaps does not yet have a sense that she is living in poverty. She's not in school yet. She is generally a happy child but one who knows how to throw a tantrum and disobey to get her way. I expect that in a couple years some child psychologist will chime in an opinion but maybe this single mother is simply out of control of her child.
In a previous post I pretty much ranted my opinion that unless you have lots of family support and money in the bank, no woman should have one or more children on her own. I said that there were lots of frantic women in my neighborhood who had the single mom lifestyle and from what I witnessed it was a an often desperate lifestyle.
So this situation was an example.
First I and my dog went to look at the sofa. I asked her to measure it but she never had the time.
I decided it was worth it to buy it for the price, even if it turns out to be a temporary solution. She said that her friends who were helping her move would be glad to bring it over. I told her I was having the carpets cleaned and the old sofa removed before then.
The day before the move she texted me that she needed to fax important papers. It was New Years Day and I have no home fax and most places were closed. She added that she had no money to fax so it had to be someone's personal fax. I was not about to get on the phone to ask around for her. What had she left to the last minute like this? The new lease to the landlord and paperwork for her child's school. Ah well, the texting went on and on, and I got it SHE HAD NO MONEY TO FAX EVEN IF SHE FOUND A PLACE THAT WAS OPEN. I found a place that was open on New Years Day and she said she had no bus fare to get there. I knew that on Christmas, in order to get to a friend's place where she was going to hang out for the holiday she had asked the bus driver for a free ride for herself and her daughter. He said yes. She had been begging free bus rides a lot.
I was finding all this anxiety producing. I decided to give her $10 towards the sofa and took it and a plate of food over to her apartment. There I found a lot of Christmas gifts torn open that her friends had bought from Santa for her daughter. She said she was just thinking she was hungry. Well, I suspect there was no food in the place. She also remarked that it was cold. It was. No heat. I wondered if she really needed to fax or had just managed to coax money out of me. I decided I was not going to offer to babysit for free while she took buses to the fax place.
The place was reasonably clean maybe because it was so bare.
I asked her if she maybe needed a twin bed, as I had a twin bed frame I was giving away. She said her daughter had her own room (i.e THE bedroom) and that she herself sometimes slept on the sofa she was selling me. It was clear she had been unable to sell it, would have no room for it in the next place, and that she was happy to have some money in hand. Maybe the money to pay her friends.
The next day her friends showed up in a vehicle that looked like it was held together with spackle and proceeded to tie a box springs and two mattresses onto the roof. It turned out they were not friends but for hire. She was so broke she hit me up for boxes and plastic bags. I gave her the money for the sofa and an extra $5 to tip them for bringing her sofa across the street to my place. (Apparently she didn't and kept the money, as they posed around my door awaiting tip money.) I realized that she had not wanted the bed frame because her daughter slept on a mattress on the floor and these mattresses and box springs were so mismatched and filthy, I had to wonder if she hadn't pulled them into her place when someone else on the street threw them out.
So, no money for bus fare, no money to buy gifts for her daughter herself, no gift for the daughter from the "father", no money to heat the place, and food insecurity.
To her credit she has been doing an Internship and hoping for a new job and I certainly hope that in her new town this is possible and exactly what happens for her in the New Year.
I never asked her how it was that she got stranded by the child's father, but perhaps I didn't need to know and she didn't need to tell the all too typical story. Her daughter is, I feel lucky, as I think the fatherless family unit is possibly even worse for sons. Her daughter is also very beautiful and intelligent beyond her years but perhaps does not yet have a sense that she is living in poverty. She's not in school yet. She is generally a happy child but one who knows how to throw a tantrum and disobey to get her way. I expect that in a couple years some child psychologist will chime in an opinion but maybe this single mother is simply out of control of her child.
In a previous post I pretty much ranted my opinion that unless you have lots of family support and money in the bank, no woman should have one or more children on her own. I said that there were lots of frantic women in my neighborhood who had the single mom lifestyle and from what I witnessed it was a an often desperate lifestyle.
So this situation was an example.
First I and my dog went to look at the sofa. I asked her to measure it but she never had the time.
I decided it was worth it to buy it for the price, even if it turns out to be a temporary solution. She said that her friends who were helping her move would be glad to bring it over. I told her I was having the carpets cleaned and the old sofa removed before then.
The day before the move she texted me that she needed to fax important papers. It was New Years Day and I have no home fax and most places were closed. She added that she had no money to fax so it had to be someone's personal fax. I was not about to get on the phone to ask around for her. What had she left to the last minute like this? The new lease to the landlord and paperwork for her child's school. Ah well, the texting went on and on, and I got it SHE HAD NO MONEY TO FAX EVEN IF SHE FOUND A PLACE THAT WAS OPEN. I found a place that was open on New Years Day and she said she had no bus fare to get there. I knew that on Christmas, in order to get to a friend's place where she was going to hang out for the holiday she had asked the bus driver for a free ride for herself and her daughter. He said yes. She had been begging free bus rides a lot.
I was finding all this anxiety producing. I decided to give her $10 towards the sofa and took it and a plate of food over to her apartment. There I found a lot of Christmas gifts torn open that her friends had bought from Santa for her daughter. She said she was just thinking she was hungry. Well, I suspect there was no food in the place. She also remarked that it was cold. It was. No heat. I wondered if she really needed to fax or had just managed to coax money out of me. I decided I was not going to offer to babysit for free while she took buses to the fax place.
The place was reasonably clean maybe because it was so bare.
I asked her if she maybe needed a twin bed, as I had a twin bed frame I was giving away. She said her daughter had her own room (i.e THE bedroom) and that she herself sometimes slept on the sofa she was selling me. It was clear she had been unable to sell it, would have no room for it in the next place, and that she was happy to have some money in hand. Maybe the money to pay her friends.
The next day her friends showed up in a vehicle that looked like it was held together with spackle and proceeded to tie a box springs and two mattresses onto the roof. It turned out they were not friends but for hire. She was so broke she hit me up for boxes and plastic bags. I gave her the money for the sofa and an extra $5 to tip them for bringing her sofa across the street to my place. (Apparently she didn't and kept the money, as they posed around my door awaiting tip money.) I realized that she had not wanted the bed frame because her daughter slept on a mattress on the floor and these mattresses and box springs were so mismatched and filthy, I had to wonder if she hadn't pulled them into her place when someone else on the street threw them out.
So, no money for bus fare, no money to buy gifts for her daughter herself, no gift for the daughter from the "father", no money to heat the place, and food insecurity.
To her credit she has been doing an Internship and hoping for a new job and I certainly hope that in her new town this is possible and exactly what happens for her in the New Year.
10/11/14
CHILDREN OUT OF WEDLOCK THE NEW NORMAL? THAT'S TERRIBLE!
I recently read two articles, one at NPR, which said the percentage of black children born out of wedlock in 2013 was 70%. Another in The Atlantic, attempted to explain. Written by Ta-Nehisi Coastes, a man, it was called "Understanding Out of Wedlock Births in Black America." (Please understand that white children are also being born out of wedlock in unprecedented numbers and what I have to say here is not focused on just black people.)
THE ATLANTIC ARCHIVE
I carefully read the language of this second article, and the first issue I had with it was the apology that black women are CHOOSING NOT TO MARRY. The Black women I've known through the years were not being asked to marry even when they got pregnant. If a relationship was not a committed one with the potential to become marriage before the pregnancy occurred, then forget this idea of choice completely. (And yes I know one white woman who told everyone that her sperm donor had asked her to marry him but that she had decided it wasn't a relationship to make a life out of and had said no. It was a lie. It turned out he was married.)
What the article should have said is WOMEN ARE CHOOSING TO HAVE SEX WITHOUT PROPER CONTRACEPTION or are unwilling to use it, or are unwilling to have abortions or have a baby and put it up for adoption IN RECORD NUMBERS. It may now be a rite of passage into adulthood that a woman gets pregnant and becomes a single mom, which is often a struggling, stressed out, mom who can't give her children the things they need and is dependent on Social Services.
I know contraception is not perfect, in particular because people are not perfect.
Believe it or not, I've always been Pro-Choice, but I couldn't tell someone they have to have an abortion. What worries me is that so many women are living life not by CHOOSING but by NOT CHOOSING. Everything in life "just happens" to them, or is their fate, or is God's will.
I'm also willing to go anthropologist on this and say that maybe black American culture is basically matriarchal and there isn't much expected of men in the first place, that it's a culture where the women do the child begetting and birthing and raising without the idea that a man should be involved too. But women, what has happened to your desire to, if you really want children, date with the idea that finding a husband first? I'm sorry but some of you just lack self esteem and are letting men off easy as they betray you. You also have more options for contraception than ever before in the history of this planet, but don't use it. And if you're so religious that you don't believe in contraception or abortion, what are you doing having sex without being married first then?
When a woman has, through luck, inheritance, or (most often) hard and long work, becoming educated, establishing a career, and is making very good money, and she wants to have a child on her own, if she has several persons in her life committed to helping her parent, especially if she is getting older and may soon no longer be fertile, that is a CHOOSING. There is maturity involved and rationality and I understand it. Some of our famous actresses, such as say Sandra Bullock, who have millions in the bank, have adopted children because they are in the position to have a trust fund in place for their child so that if they die the child will still be supported. That's not most people. Elton John and his partner having children using a surrogate are not most people. They are famous and rich. They are not to be imitated.
Going out, partying, sleeping with whomever (maybe because you think a man is owed sex in exchange for taking you out), remaining unqualified to make decent money, being poor and without resources, and just going ahead with having a baby because you say "Well I want one" or "Everyone else is doing it" is just not good enough.
How do I know?
Well, I meet these single mothers who regard men as not much more than sperm donors (Why aren't men protesting?) and who are raising children with the help of their mothers (who really ought to be retiring to something other than childcare after having done their own child-raising bit) everywhere. They are in my neighborhood working, rushing back and forth to drop their child off here, there, and everywhere, but especially Day Care, looking like they are about to drop, aged ten years in five. Some of them are bitter. Most of them are in ongoing arguments with the sperm donor daddy, begging him to spend some time with their child. Children are supposed to have more than one role model in their lives, and someone admirable.
Maybe another person will come into these women's lives, love them truly - and their child, provide financial support, become a real husband or partner and a real co-parent, but when the rates of no dad births go all the way up to 70% tell me, where are the Good Guys? Or are you just making a life with a man who is not the father to your child but the father to some other women's child? I've even met (in passing) two men who had five children each, each child with a different woman. What a tangled web of a family tree and relationships that is! (One by the way was an ex gang member of Hispanic roots. The other Black. They were bragging.)
I do think it is better to be NM than in a bad marriage. But I'm NMNK. Through my life I've made countless CHOICES to not get pregnant including celibacy, not continuing relationships that weren't going well, and using contraception. No contraception isn't perfect. I've met women who got pregnant using just about every contraception there is, even an IUD. One woman even claimed a third pregnancy after having her tubes tied. I've met married women who didn't want another child who got pregnant anyway. Still, statistics like these are not all about broken rubbers, forgotten pills, and misplaced diaphragms. These stats are much higher than contraceptive failure rates. Some women can even have a once in three year implant that will prevent pregnancy but if you read the ads it's mentioned THIS DOES NOT PREVENT STD's.
What does?
Using rubbers so you don't get STD's is a must unless you are PLANNING TO HAVE A BABY! What does using rubbers entail, besides being able to afford them? A MAN WHO USES THEM!
When a woman has a child before she is "ready" and that means relationship-wise and financially too, she puts her own future in jeopardy.
OFF THE SOAP BOX NOW!
THINK!
Sister
THE ATLANTIC ARCHIVE
I carefully read the language of this second article, and the first issue I had with it was the apology that black women are CHOOSING NOT TO MARRY. The Black women I've known through the years were not being asked to marry even when they got pregnant. If a relationship was not a committed one with the potential to become marriage before the pregnancy occurred, then forget this idea of choice completely. (And yes I know one white woman who told everyone that her sperm donor had asked her to marry him but that she had decided it wasn't a relationship to make a life out of and had said no. It was a lie. It turned out he was married.)
What the article should have said is WOMEN ARE CHOOSING TO HAVE SEX WITHOUT PROPER CONTRACEPTION or are unwilling to use it, or are unwilling to have abortions or have a baby and put it up for adoption IN RECORD NUMBERS. It may now be a rite of passage into adulthood that a woman gets pregnant and becomes a single mom, which is often a struggling, stressed out, mom who can't give her children the things they need and is dependent on Social Services.
I know contraception is not perfect, in particular because people are not perfect.
Believe it or not, I've always been Pro-Choice, but I couldn't tell someone they have to have an abortion. What worries me is that so many women are living life not by CHOOSING but by NOT CHOOSING. Everything in life "just happens" to them, or is their fate, or is God's will.
I'm also willing to go anthropologist on this and say that maybe black American culture is basically matriarchal and there isn't much expected of men in the first place, that it's a culture where the women do the child begetting and birthing and raising without the idea that a man should be involved too. But women, what has happened to your desire to, if you really want children, date with the idea that finding a husband first? I'm sorry but some of you just lack self esteem and are letting men off easy as they betray you. You also have more options for contraception than ever before in the history of this planet, but don't use it. And if you're so religious that you don't believe in contraception or abortion, what are you doing having sex without being married first then?
When a woman has, through luck, inheritance, or (most often) hard and long work, becoming educated, establishing a career, and is making very good money, and she wants to have a child on her own, if she has several persons in her life committed to helping her parent, especially if she is getting older and may soon no longer be fertile, that is a CHOOSING. There is maturity involved and rationality and I understand it. Some of our famous actresses, such as say Sandra Bullock, who have millions in the bank, have adopted children because they are in the position to have a trust fund in place for their child so that if they die the child will still be supported. That's not most people. Elton John and his partner having children using a surrogate are not most people. They are famous and rich. They are not to be imitated.
Going out, partying, sleeping with whomever (maybe because you think a man is owed sex in exchange for taking you out), remaining unqualified to make decent money, being poor and without resources, and just going ahead with having a baby because you say "Well I want one" or "Everyone else is doing it" is just not good enough.
How do I know?
Well, I meet these single mothers who regard men as not much more than sperm donors (Why aren't men protesting?) and who are raising children with the help of their mothers (who really ought to be retiring to something other than childcare after having done their own child-raising bit) everywhere. They are in my neighborhood working, rushing back and forth to drop their child off here, there, and everywhere, but especially Day Care, looking like they are about to drop, aged ten years in five. Some of them are bitter. Most of them are in ongoing arguments with the sperm donor daddy, begging him to spend some time with their child. Children are supposed to have more than one role model in their lives, and someone admirable.
Maybe another person will come into these women's lives, love them truly - and their child, provide financial support, become a real husband or partner and a real co-parent, but when the rates of no dad births go all the way up to 70% tell me, where are the Good Guys? Or are you just making a life with a man who is not the father to your child but the father to some other women's child? I've even met (in passing) two men who had five children each, each child with a different woman. What a tangled web of a family tree and relationships that is! (One by the way was an ex gang member of Hispanic roots. The other Black. They were bragging.)
I do think it is better to be NM than in a bad marriage. But I'm NMNK. Through my life I've made countless CHOICES to not get pregnant including celibacy, not continuing relationships that weren't going well, and using contraception. No contraception isn't perfect. I've met women who got pregnant using just about every contraception there is, even an IUD. One woman even claimed a third pregnancy after having her tubes tied. I've met married women who didn't want another child who got pregnant anyway. Still, statistics like these are not all about broken rubbers, forgotten pills, and misplaced diaphragms. These stats are much higher than contraceptive failure rates. Some women can even have a once in three year implant that will prevent pregnancy but if you read the ads it's mentioned THIS DOES NOT PREVENT STD's.
What does?
Using rubbers so you don't get STD's is a must unless you are PLANNING TO HAVE A BABY! What does using rubbers entail, besides being able to afford them? A MAN WHO USES THEM!
When a woman has a child before she is "ready" and that means relationship-wise and financially too, she puts her own future in jeopardy.
OFF THE SOAP BOX NOW!
THINK!
Sister
1/22/14
SINGLE PARENTS EXCLUDED FROM MARRIAGE AS BEST FORM OF COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP?
PARENTING BLOG - DOES CHAMPIONING MARRIAGE VERY INTERESTING ARTICLE!
"The theory that the “hollowing out of marriage” is harming children comes from the kinds of statistics and anecdotes described earlier this year in “Two Classes, Divided by ‘I Do’”: lower scores on standardized tests, poorer grades and an increased likelihood of dropping out of high school or failing to attend college; and stories of single parents with little time left after work, who struggle to provide the same access to activities, help with homework or even to read aloud."
SISTER HERE! FOR ME PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE A STRONG MARRIAGE COMES FIRST BEFORE HAVING CHILDREN DOES and that no one should decide how many children they want before marriage or agree to more than one until they've actually had one. BEFORE MARRIAGE people ought to discuss their feelings and thoughts about having children though, and it's unethical to claim you want to have children when you don't just to get someone to marry you. If one person feels strongly that they do not want children, then they shouldn't make a life partner out of someone who could not live without children. At issue is age, health, stability of income... Children cost money and loving them won't make up for destitution.
As for the gay marriage issue, I'm all for it, without it being my own personal issue.
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