DEEP INSULTS BECAUSE I'M NOT A MOTHER

I happened again.  I was told that I had no right to judge, that I didn't know a certain family member's child "like we do," and so on, and that basically I have no right to an opinion because I am not myself a mother. I was also mocked about how well I take care of my dog.  Actually, after a few months of tolerance in which I pretended not to hear and chose to blame immaturity, months in which I had sympathized and empathized and been supportive, I was beginning to feel angry myself.

Let me explain this deep insult, from a so called feminist yet.  We real feminists know that it does not take giving birth or having a personal child, or being a mother, to know when we are dealing with a spoiled brat.

Let's call the spoiled brat, who I was previously told is a chronic liar and narcissist and drama queen and so on, "Melanie."  Melanie is someone I had not seen since she was in diapers, that is true.  In fact, her single mother (no father in the child's life ever, but a man who not only hid out rather than pay child support but apparently has fathered EIGHT children at this point, a real inseminator!) was acting so weird towards me back in the day that I decided I WOULD NOT SEE THEM AGAIN UNTIL THIS CHILD WAS A LEGAL ADULT.  By weird I mean that this single mother took my interest in her child to be jealousy that she had her and I had none.  Needless to say I was not jealous of her.  I tried to respect that fact that she had not had an abortion and felt confident that she could do it all alone.

Now the child is an adult of 18, I have met her, I have spent time with them, I was warned she was screwed up, and I sadly got a triple dose of her obnoxious behavior, which I'm not supposed to react to or comment on.

Upon meeting me she did a news flash.  "I don't believe in bras or marriage," she said.
I thought "That's interesting."  Later I realized she had said this because she thought that would put her in good with me.  Actually I have always worn bras, though not always the most concealing ones.  Not all women need them all the time. But damn if this young woman went and eloped soon after, came back home and expected her mother to continue to support her financially.  She argued that it was OK if she and her husband slept together in their house when they were just dating, why not now?  Wasn't mom and other family members supposed to keep them in medical insurance, the latest laptops and cell phones, continue to pay for their college tuition, world travel,  vegetarian foods, and so on - so they could stay in school? Neither she or her young husband thought marriage meant you go live together elsewhere - get your own place - land in the same bed every night together - and afford it on your own!

This was just the beginning of her lies to me - someone new in her life as an adult - distantly related - which added on to the lies - whole plots of them - that she told her mother and other relations.

For the next few months the entire family and household was in an uproar as one thing led to another.  If perhaps we might think "OK, she is NOT your child, so there should be a boundary there, well, I cared, I tried to stay out of it, I tried to be the rational voice, and I tried to be realistic. Sure her single mother was going to go through empty nest syndrome.  Sure her single mother had sometimes worked two jobs to keep her in a private school, send her to special activity summer camps.  She also sent her to stay elsewhere when she had a man over.  Didn't she deserve one night a week just for herself, to relax, have sex, etc? She also was career oriented and could be exhausted or seem to be in her own space.  Was she actually neglectful?  Not really.

 When had the chronic lying and other behaviors begun and WHY?

I was told "When she hit puberty and her father's genes ignited!"

I think rather that it was about this "birds and the bees" point in her own reproductive life that she really began to realize that she was illegitimate and had no father in her life at all.  Never mind if a loving grandpa tried to be "dad."

Let's say we understand her reasons why.  Still chronic lying is NOT OK. It is at this level a symptom of mental illness or she has been and is MANIPULATING EVERYONE.  She does argument, she does emotional blackmail, she does verbal abuse, she blocks conversations.  But it is also a sign that a child that needed to be raised not to lie.  This child needed to be corrected.  If religious school was only to be rebelled against, then there is Godless psychotherapy. Clearly my arrival had nothing to do with YEARS of lies.  Of other people who should know better raising her to allow her to lie to them, to go without responsibility into adulthood, and without any consequences or punishment.

So, I was stunned to hear that now I am officially not involved, after being asked to talk to her, asked to research, asked to be involved.

I am glad I never had a child.  If I had a child though, I know for sure that mine would not be a spoiled brat!

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WHY EVEN LIVE TOGETHER? IF YOU'RE SINGLE AND SELF SUPPORTING ENJOY YOUR OWN SPACE!

I was reading a magazine that focuses on the YOGA lifestyle, a healthy, spiritual lifestyle, and there was an article written by a woman who discovered she was pregnant two weeks after a break up after which He had moved out.   She considers this pregnancy to be somehow fated, perhaps because now she is 38.  Without knowing the specifics of the relationship and the whys of the break up,  if she told him or where the hell he was, I wondered why she was so determined to go forth as a single mother bravely.

I had to ask myself...

WHY EVEN LIVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE?  Why take the chance that your little experiment in compatibility might end with you both going your own ways?

LIVE WITH... as in "living in sin", shacking up, Cohabitation...

The unwillingness to meld households and finances with an official legal ceremony is pretty telling, isn't it?  LIVING TOGETHER is mostly NOT MARRIAGE.  It is mostly NOT COMMITMENT.  (And here I'm not referring to those who would if they could, have same sex marriage.)

Unwed and capable of supporting yourself without being supported by someone else, WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIMITING YOUR OPTIONS when you are NOT REALLY SURE this person is it for you?  If you were really sure you would probably marry.

Hey, I know that lots of couples are living together, some in COMMON LAW marriages, and I know that most often it is combining income and resources that makes saving money possible and sometimes real estate affordable.  Most often it is combining income that makes HAVING A CHILD or CHILDREN affordable.  Real estate and children - security - is a good reason to have a commitment with another person, a means of surviving and thriving.

But say you are doing fine independently.  Maybe you live in a single or a room in a house with a separate entrance, if you cannot afford your own condo or single family home, but you can afford to do so. 

IS THERE SOME REASON TO HAVE A SPERM DONOR LIVE WITH YOU?

So, if you are willing to have a baby on your own,  WHY were you "JUST living together"? 
Instead of taking the anonymous sperm donation option?  Considering how much involvement this person will have with you and your mutual child...

I wonder...

is she even going to TELL him he's the father?  (He has the right to know.)
is she not telling him because she doesn't want him in the child's life (because once there is a child it is not all about her life!) 


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