IS THERE SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR YOU?

Sister here! 

Reading over the article from AARP that I recently put up a link to, an article which says that one out of three Baby Boomers never married, I began to think about statistics. 

I wonder if the people who are running those numbers about how many have never married have kept track of how many Baby Boomers never married, but who did have long term relationships living separate, or how many people were "just living together" without the "benefit of marriage."   (How about how many of these people who never married have children?)

In truth I believe the long term celibate and long term alone-but-not-lonely who are also childless is a much smaller number, but yes, alone in old age can be difficult without a lot of money to buy the care you need and that just may be where a whole lot of us who used to think of ourselves as middle class are heading, speaking of years of economic downturn here in the USA. 

Our society is accommodating these changes first by recognizing that the old roles of husband and wife are pretty much only sentimental favorites and then questioning what makes a marriage.

Marriage is first of all, despite all the romance that may move two people to make a legal commitment, an economic partnership which, for hundreds of years, had a lot to do with raising children who had your genes.  The role of women has been and continues to be the CAREGIVER, if not of children then parents.

Today I'm also thinking about the idea, which I still see in print quite a bit, an idea both Old Fashioned and New Age, and that is the idea that FOR EVERY ONE THERE IS SOMEONE and that  you will find your soul mate, your perfect partner.

I'm sorry, but I think the numbers of people who actually have a marriage with a Soul Mate are very few, and then they are, though it may be ridiculous, the envy of most everyone else.

The idea that there is someone out there "for" you, if only you could find them, is true has EVEN BEEN PROPAGATED BY PEOPLE WHO THEMSELVES HAD MARRIAGES THAT WERE ARRANGED by family, parents, or friends, even if it was simply an introduction for the purposes of marriage.

So you may ask yourself, how could people who married someone chosen for them could tell their grandchildren and great-grandchildren, especially when a romance fails and there is heartbreak, "Don't worry, there is some one out there for you. There is some one for everyone and he/she will move the earth to find you." 

The truth is, their expectations about what makes a marriage are very different than yours and they may be honestly satisfied with how things worked out or were in the end.  The truth is that they compromised by "making do" with someone who was "good enough" even if not perfect.  THEY LEARNED TO LOVE THIS PERSON and ignore or accommodate their faults, after all who doesn't have faults?  These people are also the ones who say things like "Lower your expectations. Or "Everyone settles."

If you're one of the Lonely Hearts out there, this may be very good advice, especially if you really want and need to be married.  Because holding out for the impossible stops you from living and loving right here and now.  It postpones marriage or partnership to the point where waiting for perfection is just foolery.

TO BE NMNK happily, is not to be NMNK on hold for marriage due to unrealistic and impossible expectations.

If you are reading this and you WANT AND NEED TO BE MARRIED, it's OK, I may be writing a blog about the NMNK experience and lifestyle as a positive, but I do understand that for some people it's a matter of Fate and Others Choice and for some an Accident or No Choice At All!

AN HONEST SELF EVALUATION IS THE FIRST STEP.  You might ask yourself how it is you meet people, you might do a little research into your past relationships and ask yourself how they started and ended and what the issues were.  I find the Rules For Dating books by Ellen and Sherrie to be interesting though I don't think all men are one way and all women are another.  Taking the hint from these women, who have updated their dating philosophy to embrace on-line dating, it would seem that women are doing too much pursuing, too much making a relationship more than it is, and hanging in to a going nowhere relationship when they should be out there meeting more men.  In other words, desperate.

If you are desperate in the dating stage you'll probably desperately hold onto a bad marriage too.

Is there something wrong with just having fun?  If you have fun when dating, and then you do marry, that sense of humor may be just the thing when you have hard times and we all have hard times.

C 2013 Never Married No Kids - An Intentional Community / Sister