BIG FAMILIES ARE NOT CLOSE FAMILIES - THE LOGISTICS PREVENT IT

The other day I was home in bed, not feeling well, and my mind turned to some of the horrors of relatives who do not approve of my lifestyle.  A sick body can make your thinking sick and visa versa.


You can page through this blog and read about some of this, from surprise matchmaking to an aunt who PR's against me as someone who "doesn't even hold a baby."


I started handwriting it out.  And I realized a simple reason why I don't have a close connection with most of my relatives. 


THERE WERE TOO MANY OF THEM.


Both of my parents came from BIG FAMILIES.  I never did understand the alliances they made (or not) with certain siblings, but it seemed birth order or age related.  Basically, if your oldest brother is already married and has established a family in another state before you are born, you're not likely to be close.  I'm unaware of any real rivalries or issues between them and their siblings.  It's more like how it worked out.


When I was growing up, we tended to mostly visit wherever the grandparent had been taken in.  The children who took in parents had to accept that maybe all their siblings would visit there to see the grandparent.  As a result, I got to know these aunts and uncles best because visiting their home, we were likely to encounter other relatives.


I was impossible though to even visit with each and every family, not even once a year.  The logistics were impossible and many of my aunts and uncles also had larger families (though not larger than the families they were from.)  Some of them may have even used contraception to limit the number of children they had, none had as many as the family they were from.


After a while we became "weddings and funerals" kind of family. 


So over time I got to know about four families, two on each side, somewhat. 


In the end it seems no one is both alive and close. 


THEN THERE ARE MY FRIENDS WHO COME FROM SMALL FAMILIES; two or three siblings max, maybe four aunts and uncles - and their spouses.  They all seem to be so much more close - and functioning as families.


THIS THEN MAY BE AN ARGUEMENT FOR SMALL FAMILIES.


Of course small families can also be dysfunctional or cousins who substitute in for siblings can be a problem


One of my friends is an only child and since her father deserted them, her stepfather who her mom married when she was already near 12, is the only father she has known.  She has a cousin who is also an only child, who married and had two children who were born disabled.  As things stand, my friend's step father is now supporting this cousin and the two children, as he's the only family member who has enough income to do so.  She wonders if there is going to be any money left for an inheritance that she would need to actually retire.


Then there is a friend, also an only child, who was used to two parents basically always considering her opinion.  I wouldn't say she was spoiled but I'd say this was privilege. She married the favorite son of two hovering parents, and their marriage was full of Power Struggles and Conflict, as they both wanted their way and he wasn't even considering her opinion.  Finally, he won and she let him, but her vitality has deflated.  I don't think she's happy.


So is this the future for most only children?  Is having siblings important to being socialized or considerate of others or capable of compromise?

WHEN ALONE IS LONELY - THE BROKEN TOOTH STORY

One of the notions of this blog is that ALONE isn't the same as LONELY.


I figure that few individuals are completely isolated and have no communications with other human beings.  I figure that most people who don't marry and don't have children are still members of family.  But what happens when everyone you used to know has died and you have no one to depend on in a crisis or to bury you?
This is one of the biggest fears anyone has.  It's a fear I have.  Even if it's a bit unreasonable right now.
I don't want my readers to think that I have no fear.


A few months ago I broke a tooth while eating almonds.  That chunk that broke off I thought was an almond piece stuck between teeth until I removed it.  Yikes!  So began SAVING THE TOOTH, an expensive and ultimately hopeless ordeal because the tooth continued to break off little pieces.  From the dentist's warning "I promised you that you will find yourself in a crisis with that tooth if you don't have it pulled", to the crisis (her refusal to give me antibiotics), I did nothing.  I've never had a tooth pulled.  I'm a coward.  The options to replace the tooth are also expensive.  I was warned I had to do some sort of replacement within a few months of having the tooth removed.  When I asked the dentist who refused me antibiotics what would happen if she got the tooth out in her office numbed up a bit, a process she said would take about an hour, and found horrible infection underneath it, she referred me out to an oral surgeon.  The oral surgeon said about the same thing.  I said I wanted to be put under.  My insurance doesn't pay for that.  I said I would pay for it.


Meanwhile the tooth continued to break, leaving less and less above the gum line to be pulled.


The day I scheduled the event, I was told "You have to have someone to bring you here and take you home and stay with you."


I said, "Don't worry.  I won't drive.  I'll call a cab."

"No. We mean we will not put you under unless you have someone to stay with you."  Now I imagined myself laying in the back of a car stuck on the freeway, all that auto exhaust building up in the back and making me sick while still a bit under the anesthesia, a totally nauseous thing to expect a friend to deal with.


"Can't I just hang out there for a couple hours in a chair after the procedure, and then take the cab home?

"No."


"Then let's not schedule."


So, I started to feel lonely.  But not so lonely as to marry just anyone or have children to take care of me in my old age!


I have friends who cannot take off work easily to attend to me.


It seems ridiculous to me that I've been refused antibiotics while being warned about an underlying infection and pending crisis.  I decided the tooth as is, a bit unsightly, is worth putting off treatment for.


I started seeing people with teeth broken to the gum line and left like that wherever I went.


I realized that the simple tooth pull is no longer a possibility.  It will have to be dug out.  It is now oral surgery for real.


Yes, I feel alone in this.


Sister



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FRIEND BEATS AGE 50 DEADLINE - IMPORTS CHINESE BRIDE

OOOOH how I hope this is a "miracle of love" situation.  I've learned a friend of mine, a man who never seemed to find a Ms. Right, though he met a lot of possibilities, imported a woman from China to be his wife.  She's an intelligent woman and speaks English. Much younger than him (I should say "of course").  Young enough that she could stay married to him for a decade, get a nice social security retirement out of it, divorce, remarry.

How did they meet?

Chinese-American friends made the match, then they were using Skype or equivalent for courtship.  He went there to marry her, and at the same time they honeymooned as tourists, saw the Great Wall.

I'd be completely rude if I didn't wish them a wonderful life.  Don't think I can't be happy for him/them because I can.  Hope springs eternal.

It's just that me and my girlfriends are a bit suspicious when an American man has to import.  We see the woman far from her family and support system, sometimes financially unable to leave if she wants to.

My old friend is someone who always has to have his own way.  He needs someone to live around him and make his life easier.  He's not someone who has ever physically abused another person, but he can be passive aggressive.  He has a good sense of humor.  Sometimes it's a bit wicked.

A mutual friend said, "Come on Sister, he's an A-hole!  The reason you're not close anymore is that as the years went by he became less and less flexible, less willing and able to meet you half way on anything.  You two used to go to films a lot.  It got to where if he wasn't picking the film, he wasn't going!"


Yea.


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ONE IN FOUR OF YOU WILL MEET AGE 50 NEVER MARRIED

THE CONVERSTION - MORE PEOPLE THAN EVER BEFORE ARE SINGLE - and that's a good thing  by Bella DePaula, a social scientist from UC Santa Barbara


EXCERPT:
In fact, people who live alone are often the life of their cities and towns. They tend to participate in more civic groups and public events, enroll in more art and music classes, and go out to dinner more often than people who live with others. Single people, regardless of whether they live alone or with others, also volunteer more for social service organizations, educational groups, hospitals and organizations devoted to the arts than people who are married.
In contrast, when couples move in together or get married, they tend to become more insular, even if they don’t have children.

HAPPY NURTERERS DAY to ALL YOU NON PARENTS

Nurturer?  Well, it seems there is a day on our calendar to remember dad with cards and gifts and outings to restaurants, and another on our calendar for mom.


 But I think these days are gender specific and what we need is ONE DAY to HONOR ALL OF US WHO NURTURE!


Think of all the ways you as a NMNK nurture.  It's taking care of parents, family members, neighbors, and people who are not related to us but who, because of our job description, are still nurtured by us.  If you are a teacher, social worker, psychologist, this is a little or a lot true. 


We also nurture our pets.  And our plants.


We don't have to be married or personally have children to be good and kind, giving and uplifting to other people, to aid them in self realization or fulfillment, so that they can best participate in life!


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NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS NO SURGERY?

Recently I needed minor surgery.  So minor that while I was told I needed it I was also told my insurance would not pay for me to be put to sleep for the hour or so it would take.  I felt I needed to be put to sleep because I have anxiety about it, about pain, and because it's not easy for me to hold still.  I didn't want to be aware of what was going on.


So I was told OK, but you pay $400 out of your own pocket for the IV drip and medication.  I agreed and was about ready to make my appointment for this out patient procedure.  But then I was told that the surgery could not be done because I have no one to take me home.  I said that I would take a cab, they didn't have to worry about me driving.  No, I had to have a person with me to and fro, someone to stay with me.  Since I do not know of anyone who wants to take a half day to two days off from work, I cancelled.  The hell with it.  I'll live with it.  I'm not up for any lectures from these unrealistic medical people.


Of course this brings up the fact that currently most people who are seniors do have a son, daughter, or living spouse who can take them to hospitals and back, and be there for them when they recovery from an outpatient surgery, but that increasingly, there are going to be people like me who do not, and whose insurance isn't going to pay for a qualified stranger - a nurse or caregiver - to be in the home.  There are many of these seniors who are often original home owners in my neighborhood, and I hate to say it, but those who have only one or two children have pretty much used guilt so that those children don't have the audacity to leave town for their careers or their marriages.  The healthy boundaries aren't there.  it's more "how dare you leave me!" 


Of course, the idea that one would have one or more children selfishly, with an eye to one's own personal fulfillment or the meeting of one's needs in seniorhood, is abhorrent to me.  I know that some of my friends through the years have married also to not be "alone" in life.  I do feel that we have obligation to our family (when they have been and are good to us.  If they have been or are abusive - NO!)  As someone who has visited and looked in on more than one senior citizen neighbor who had children and grandchildren who were NOT looking in on them, I know that having children is no guarantee that you won't be alone in seniorhood.  (Some of these children were given college educations, new cars, down payments on houses, and much else, but still don't much look in on their parents.)


Last year I had the experience of meeting a senior citizen's daughter for the first time, as she was incoming with her husband from Europe.  Long lovingly married to his sweetheart, this senior had just experienced the loss of her after near 60 years of marriage.  They seemed to be a couple that were truly soul mates.  In their 80's they were still holding hands when they walked along.  He was of course devastated and had lost his bearings.  The fact that he still works helped a lot!  So, the daughter, who goes from city to city with her husband, we can assume because they are part of a crowd that does that, decided I should look in on her dad and e-mail her about his condition, since I like her dad.  In other words, this monied woman, whose parents were and are financially good to her, and who lives off a trust, and travels around, decided that I, a much poorer person, should do this out of the goodness of my heart, no charge. 


I like my neighbor, and when I'm out and about walking my dog in his neighborhood, certainly I'll want to say hi how are you?  But, well, you get the idea. I don't want to take on her responsibility, as I've already been responsible with my own parents.  I'm not looking to be a care-giver at this point. 


It seems to me that the medical profession needs to get with it when it comes to NMNK people.  Yes, some of us have friends who can and will take time off work to see us back and forth for medical procedures. But I think my NMNK situation will become more and more common.


Looking further into this, I have often been asked as a matter of routine if I have filed a MEDICAL DIRECTIVE yet.  Looking into it, I learned that MEDICAL DIRECTIVES are near useless unless a family member is there to enforce it.  Hospitals and doctors cannot be counted on to look yours up in their files during an emergency.  So you may not want to be hooked up, but will be anyway, unless someone close to you takes the ride in the ambulance with your paperwork in hand.


Am I sorry I didn't have children?


No, I'm not.


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MARRIAGE TOO EXPENSIVE IN AMERICA or OUT OF STYLE?

A couple articles have come out about this lately, so here are the links...


WASHINGTON POST/ ECONOMY - MARRIAGE TOO EXPENSIVE  by Michelle Singletary
(I wonder about her surname...)
EXCERPT: The researchers concluded that middle-income families can afford to spend the money to maintain the intimacy of their marriage or deal with troubled children while working-class people are priced out of the institution because they don’t have the money to pay for “therapy, horses, college, and gyms to stay happy together.”


and this one
SLATE - MARRIAGE ONLY MIDDLE CLASS AMERICANS CAN AFFORD  by Amanda Hess
EXCERPT: For their new paper "Intimate Inequalities: Love and Work in a Post-Industrial Landscape," University of Virginia sociologist Sarah Corse and Harvard sociologist Jennifer Silva interviewed 300 working- and middle-class Americans like Cindy, Megan, Earl, and Jan about their work and relationships. They found that as the American workforce and the American marriage have destabilized over the past half-century, marriage has become an increasingly inaccessible option for working-class Americans. While middle-class people like Earl and Jan are throwing money at their intimate relationships to keep them stable, working-class people like Cindy and Megan have been priced out of the institution.

THE LOBSTER : NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS FILM REVIEW

Watched this one on DVD and it was COMPELLING. It's called a wickedly funny comedy but I can't imagine laughing.  I saw the film as a major commentary (or deconstruction, if you will) of the pressure to make people conform to couplehood. Even recently widowed people check in to what is an insane asylum. The clinics management and staff are simply absurd.  Patients, willingly it seems, check themselves into the place and have 45 days to find a partner and give up being a "loner." Though some of them have been married before, there is no time for grieving.  The awkwardness of the patients gives the impression that they are all seriously disturbed, beyond depression.  There is an emotional coldness to everyone. 

The staff performs odd plays to illustrate what happens to a man or woman who isn't coupled.  And you learn to "go hunting," to kill single people.

What happens if you "don't make it," ? Well, you get turned into an animal of your choice, by surgery of some sort.  It's set in the realizable future, but take heart - this surgery isn't available yet in the United States. The character Colin Farrel plays checks in with his brother - a dog. He wants to be a lobster for good reasons such as longevity and fertility.  Maybe the fertility is a clue, because as the days go by, he sees that he cannot stay partnered up with the woman who slaughters his dog brother, and escapes into the woods.

Ah - the woods!  The city versus country dichotomy.  What's more natural than the woods?  But since conformity is in question, no doubt that the loners who live in the woods also expect conformity.  So darn if The Lobster does find love with another loner, a woman who is purposely blinded in the city by a doctor who must somehow be paid well by this rebel leader.

Of course you have to suspend disbelief, and it's all surreal, but if you're like me you'll love this movie for reasons well beyond humor!

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CHILD FREE AND OK WITH IT - BUT STILL DEALING WITH MORAL SCOLDING by AMANDA MARCOTTE for SALON

Is social pressure to be coupled or to have children - even if you don't have the resources to do so - so strong that even college students studying PSYCHOLOGY expect "normality" to include having children?


SALON CHILDFREE MORAL SCOLDING and SOCIAL DISAPPROVAL


EXCERPT:
She argued in an interview by phone that “when we encounter people who violate, in some way, these strongly prescribed roles or norms, like interest in having children, then there’s great potential for social backlash.” She added, “We feel like people are morally defective in their decision or behavior, and we’re motivated to ‘punish’ them in some way, usually social sanction.”


Ashburn-Nardo was curious to see if the increasingly high rates of childlessness in our culture were reducing the amount of social judgment against the deliberately child-free. To test this, she brought in a group of 204 undergraduate psychology students, under the pretense of testing their ability to predict the future, and had them read a short vignette about a former student who had married his or her college sweetheart. Half the students read about someone who had chosen to have two children, and half read about a person who had elected to have none. They were then asked to fill out a survey to measure their attitudes about the former student..."