ASEXUALITY : A HOT TOPIC : HOW IT'S DIFFERENT FROM CELIBACY ?

 ASEXUALITY : A HOT TOPIC : HOW IT'S DIFFERENT FROM CELIBACY ?

I get a whole lot of hits on my post about ASEXUAL CELEBRITIES. A person who is asexual feels as though they are devoid of sexual motivation or sexual nature. They may be a very loving person, a sensual person, but they just don't get into sex. They can love deeply but see no need or have little to no interest in taking that love into the physical. This is the perfect way to be if you're a person who is spiritually based and participating in religious life that requires celibacy. A person may be asexual for a while or for life. They may be married and have children but no longer be interested. CELIBACY is not participating in sexual contact with other people as a chosen lifestyle, at least temporarily (the sexual fast after a break up and before another involvement for instance.) The person might like sex, even love sex, but feel that for now it's time out. While many asexuals are celibate, many celibates struggle with attractions, despite their decisions. I think the difference is motivation or attitudes. NMNK is a blog for everyone who is NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS, and being asexual or celibate are two possible ways to be NMNK.

(First published June 12, 2012)

JULIAN LENNON : NMNK : OUTLIVING THE LEGACY OF A DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD

JULIAN LENNON : NMNK : OUTLIVING THE LEGACY OF A DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD

The son of once-upon-a-time Beatle, John Lennon and his first wife, Cynthia, Julian Lennon has said publicly that he thinks he hasn't married or had children because of what he went through as the child.   linking here to an article from The Telegraph, an English newspaper online : JULIAN LENNON BLAMES FATHER JOHN LENNON : NO CHILDREN : NO MARRIAGE

An excerpt
"Julian has, however, also shown understanding of his father’s situation – in particular the fact that he was a young parent who had himself endured a difficult childhood. John Lennon went 20 years without seeing his father Alfred and grew up living with his aunt Mimi, not his mother Julia.

Julian Lennon has also had difficult relationships with Yoko Ono and Sean Lennon, Yoko and John’s son.... "

(First published April 26, 2012)

I GOT CALLED A SPINSTER TODAY and... LOOSER TRAUMA

 I GOT CALLED A SPINSTER TODAY and...

the guy who called me that (because I am never married, no children) informed me that it used to be if you were not married by 25 this was the appropriate word. Well, I know that some women are IN YOUR FACE calling THEMSELVES SPINSTERS... but I have to admit I was feeling offended by this guy. He has five children. Three in marriage, two not. And he has nothing to do with any of them at this point. He says that is their choice. Their mothers are with other men, other fathers. Now I don't know enough to judge him or I don't want to judge him badly about this. But he seemed to think I was terribly old fashioned. He told me that in marriage you have about 10 minutes a day with your partner and he called that BED TIME! Is there something wrong with wanting a lot more than 10 minutes a day and a life revolving around duty towards children?  

(First published February 4, 2008)

LOOSER TRAUMA

The other morning a man who has five children, three in marriage, and says he may have more he doesn't know, about called me a looser for having never married. Well, I haven't brought ANY CHILDREN into this world, and I think, considering that he has no contact with ANY of HIS children, that I am the one who has behaved responsibly. He said I was "afraid of life." He said celibates were not normal. (My argument that there is a full range of sexual expression, including celibacy was something he was not going to hear. He admitted that he has a big porn collection.) WHAT LINGO or LABEL is BEST for those of us who have never had a child? HOW ABOUT NON-PARENT?

(First published February 13, 2008)

 

DR EMILIA SAM'S GROWN WOMAN's OATH

DR EMILIA SAM'S GROWN WOMAN's OATH

EMELIA SAM - THE GROWN WOMAN'S OATH


I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT EMILIA - IS SHE NMNK?

 

(First Published  April 14, 2014)

FIFTEENTH BIRTHDAY of NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS - AN INTENTIONAL COMMUNITY : A CELEBRATION of THE BEST OF!

It was January 27, 2008 when first published a post on this blog, dedicate to the expose of what being NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS WAS ALL ABOUT. Though this blog has been changed visually a few times, it has always been consistent about the INTENT.

I asked this question :

WHO ARE WE?

Are these just STEREOTYPES of the NMNK?

INDEPENDENT, TOO INDEPENDENT, DEPENDENT?

HERMITS, FEMINISTS, VIRGINS?

DIFFERENTLY-ABLED, ECCENTRIC, SPOILED, SELFISH?

CELIBATE, REPRESSED, SWINGER?

STRAIGHT, BENT, GAY, BISEXUAL, QUESTIONING?

PRIESTS, NUNS, MONASTICS?

SPINSTERS, CONFIRMED BACHELOR, LONERS?

For me personally, there have been times when I was put on the defensive that having this blog to write was helpful. I do hope that posts that I made in the past have helped some of you determine where you fit in this... by CHOICE or by FATE.  I hope some of you have realized YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

For those of you who have married and had children, I hope that finding this blog has helped you gain some understanding and empathy

In order to celebrate this event, I have gone through those fifteen years of posts to find the "Best Of."  I've taken down some of the earliest years of the blog that appeared in 2008 through 2012 in order to feature these posts in the present.  So for the next 60 days there will be a a whole lot of posting.

Thank You for Coming By!

Sister

COMMENTS REMAIN ON AS THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN!

WELCOME ! NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS - FIFTEEN YEARS OF BLOGGING ON THE NMNK LIFESTYLE

 Coming up...

I'll be posting MANY of the best posts from 2008 when this blog began to 2012...  You can always go through my archives to find posts from 2013 to the present....  If you are especially interested in my opinions, click on the label  SISTER SPEAKS!

BEST WISHES

 

GOING INTO THE HOLIDAYS as a NMNK : ARE YOU DEPRESSED?

For those of you who, like me, are NMNK, there's a chance that the holidays will feel a bit more lonely than alone. There's nothing wrong with feeling lonely sometimes.  Everyone does feel that once in a while if not a lot, as part of the human condition.  It's a mystery, why we are here!

If you've been reading NMNK then you know that I don't think being NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS is always or should be lonely, but everyone's circumstances are different. For some those circumstances are brief, and for others it goes on.

I was recently reading about suicide, about mental and emotional conditions that require intervention or what is called "professional help."  Apparently suicide has been the way out of an unhappy experience in life, especially for teens, YouTube "influencers," veterans, and so very many other people who just can't take their lives anymore, in increasing rates. Holidays, with the emphasis on family, friends - relationships, and merriment that can be and feel forced, makes it all more unbearable.

(In the past I wrote about what it was to show up at a relatives house for a Thanksgiving dinner only to find out that without my knowledge or permission a man who needed a wife had been asked to attend to meet me.)

Although this blog has always had the intent to share and tell others who are NMNK "You Are Not Alone," and although I know the statistics of those who are in the NMNK Lifestyle, are going up steadily,and so I feel there is overall more support for NMNK as a lifestyle CHOICE, I worry that a reader might be tackling loneliness all alone.

You see, I can only offer you the insight coming from experience, but I'm not posing as a professional when it comes to depression or any other mental state that might result in a person feeling so not understood, so discriminated against, so very alone in this life that that person also feels it's a life not worth living. (As well, I realize some people are at the end of their lives, in medical crisis, or do not want to go on in pain.) 

Also, I do think that the whole psychology profession has become overblown and there are a whole lot of people in it seeking clients. 

I was walking down the street to do some shopping a few months ago when I passed a homeless services building and encountered people outside it who were soliciting people to enter into a program they had government funding for. I said I was not interested and damn it, one of the men started with "We know there's a STIGMA attached to mental illness but all you have to do is go to therapy..."  And I was thinking "I'm just walking by this place!" (Maybe they were not even attached to the nonprofit housed inside that building?) I kept walking.  (I don't think every homeless person is mentally ill.  I think the extreme cost of living has done a lot of people in.)

Three times in my life I've encouraged friends who were clearly moving into mental illness (or had been for a while) to give therapy a try, and in each case the person was insulted enough, or not good with being found out - even by someone who had stuck by them for years, that I was ghosted. (Did that hurt. Yes, though in two cases my accepting that they were ill gradually also helped me accept that they would not have me in their lives if I wasn't an enabler.)

Frankly, sometimes what a person needs is not a paid professional to listen to them rant their problems, but a good friend or two. Sometimes just having some places to go and things to do is enough to change the mood.  Participation!

Being worthy of the NMNK label is a Choice for many, like me, but it is also by Fate. Some people really want to be married and/or have children and just cannot find a partner. For those of us who are perhaps "Old Fashioned" enough to think that relationships should happen "organically" rather than turn into desperate hunts, there is an acceptance of one's natural self being one that is not partnered.

There is plenty of advice out there about how to get partnered and it's not the topic of this blog but I just want to say I do understand what it is to not have life turn out as you might have planned.  But then, plans change, don't they?  (An old quote goes something like "We plan, God Laughs.") I recall years ago a friend who married and apparently found it was not to her liking within a year, but stayed in there, mocking me because the things I apparently said I wanted as a girl, things I had long forgotten, had changed.

As for having children, you know I strongly advocate that a person must understand the fact that children have many needs and deserve many things and it is up to the parents - not the government - to provide.

I've seen what happens when people who are not qualified to have and raise children have them and lived long enough to see what happens to that child as an adult. 

Being able to self-examine and determine your life can be a difficult thing especially when you know in your deepest self that your choices go against the traditions. (I once had a friend who was near menopause, had not had a relationship in years, and who was just barely getting by financially who was still talking wanting to have a child some day. I had to think she was not facing reality.) If seeing your family during the holidays includes meeting up with people who clearly do not respect your choices, you might select to not go.

If you are prone to depression consider that Covid-19 restrictions and conditions in the world that you are part of but not in charge of are certainly a reason. So many activities we used to do or had options to participate in were closed down or gone into the "virtual" which is not at all the same as personal interactions. This past summer some of these places and events attempted to restart with very little attendance. I believe that getting out of the house and sometimes out of town for a couple days can be all it takes to move past a gloomy outlook.

However, I've also been forced to rethink some of the relationships I'd put time and energy as well as heart into, in the past. I realized that I'd kept relationships that were no longer worth that time, energy, and heart. And that some friends probably thought I was also not worth keeping. And also that I was not easily making new friends. 

Did these relationships end in a confrontation or blow up?  No, nothing that dramatic.  In actuality, both political and religious incompatibility were impactful. Never have I found it more difficult to encounter people who are tolerant or moderate, able to have friendships with people who are not exactly birds of a feather. In friendship one seeks commonality.

It also has to do with having things in common and how much time a person has to spend. No doubt about it, those who are partnered seem to have less time for those who are not. Those who have children feel they have more in common with those who do also do. Having and raising children seems to take every bit of their time and energy so NMNK can be sidelined by them. (Or you may be invited into or kept into their lives to help them with childcare.)

This may surprise you, but I've been devoted to keeping friends who, I realized, had me in their lives only for a purpose.  And sometimes the assumption that because a person is NMNK leads others to think that we have lots of time available to do things for them as part of that friendship.

If you find yourself alone and feeling down during the holidays consider this:

There is usually a lot of "pop up" volunteer work to do, that does not require testing, applications, interviews, or education. Sometimes their usual volunteers get busy elsewhere during the holidays so maybe it's time to roll up your sleeves at a food bank or help set up for an event at a senior living place or help pick citrus from neighborhood trees to be donated.

Consider attending public concerts and events.

Try a new coffee house and have a lively chat.

Take a walk in nature.

Don't forget to invite friends. Make that recipe you're known for!

Dine out alone! 

Sister

ARE YOU SOMEONE WHO DISCOVERED YOU CANNOT HAVE CHILDREN ? ARE YOU HAPPILY INFERTILE?

 Are you a person who has learned that for some biological reason you cannot have children and are PERFECTLY FINE WITH THAT?

The media is full of stories of people who heroically go through medical intervention so they can conceive or carry their "OWN" children.  But what of those who learned they could not have children and thought "That's fine with me!"

I would love to hear from those of you who accepted your body or your fate, rather than fight being childless.  I know this is bit different than being CHILDLESS BY CHOICE...

I know you may have options such as adopting, becoming a step-parent, fostering or in some other way you can create a parenting experience for yourself, but what if you DON'T WANT TO?

And as we NMNK's know, there are many ways to love others and to be a nurturer or a teacher.

Sister