THE CHILDLESS BY CHOICE PROJECT

CHILDLESS BY CHOICE PROJECT   = A Book, a Documentary, a SURVEY

Are these any of the reasons YOU are CHILDLESS BY CHOICE?

Lifestyle or career incompatible with raising children?

Value freedom and independence?

No maternal or paternal instinct?

Delayed having children and then decided?

AND MANY MORE.

Spend some time on this site....

FIVE YEARS TOGETHER - SHE WANTS MARRIAGE - HE DOESN'T : MAKE UP AND BREAK UP IS A GAME FOR FOOLS

My advice?

I told her I didn't think everyone was meant for marriage and that there is nothing essentially wrong with a person who doesn't marry.  However, they are incompatible in this one HUGE way.


They are both in their forties.  She says they've had the discussion several times. He just does not "see himself" married.  But I care about this woman, and I know that she does want to marry someday, and she wants her later years in life to be married years. Is the fact that she's hit her forties unmarried mean it's impossible?  Despite "great sex,"  "best friendship," and "loving to pieces," should she dump him?  Is it all her fault she's given five years to having love, having someone, having something, rather than nothing at all?

So I went on the Internet and there are sure a lot of people, including psychologists who are making this type of relationship pathological.  So much advice by educated women coming to the old "Why buy the cow when the milk is free." They should be embarrassed to have been to college, to be feminists, and think like that.

Yes, my friend HAS in so many ways agreed to have a non-marital relationship.  And it would be emotionally difficult for her to give him up.  Is he taking advantage of that?  Maybe. She reports all is well otherwise.

Basic advice on the net is to break up, or go to therapy seeking to find out what is wrong with the reluctant partner.

So, what is MY ADVICE?

My advice is to have a conversation in which she admits that she loves him, and it's going to be really hard to do so, but that she needs to be free of him for some time  - several months at least - so she can figure out what's next for her and he needs to be free of her for the same reason.  Yes, it's a break up.  Not punishing.  Not manipulative.  Not demanding.  Just standing up for herself and her needs.  And she must ask that all her family and friends not get involved, not give him reports on how she is; they really need to know what it's like to NOT have each other.  I imagine it will be awful.  Lonely nights, sexual frustration, questioning one's state of mind, maybe even depression.

The reason I suggest this though is that basically breaking up and making up and breaking up and making up is ADDICTIVE and the EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER in doing so is simply no good for anyone.  So it's time apart, the real deal.  If she still wants to marry him, she cannot take him back unless he wants to.  Guess who's in charge of that reapproachment?  Not her.  HIM.

Not easy. 

Because it may be turning ones back on love and years without anyone at all.  But I believe one must clear the way, and involved as she is, few men are going to invade that or risk it.


Sister

PSYCHSOCIAL CHARACERISTICS OF THE NEVER MARRIED

According to this article, we face economic insecurity in old age and a lack of sex partners.

ARE YOU BLACK SHEEP OF YOUR FAMILY ?

ARE YOU THE BLACK SHEEP OF YOUR FAMILY?

Recently I learned that psychologists often view the person who is the Black Sheep in the family to be the healthiest person in it.

Often the Blacksheep is the person who admits there is a problem and that means others have to change. Though sometimes it's just a matter of being "different" as in the one who hasn't married and had children.

In a dysfunctional relationship (be that the family of origin or the "family at work) people are somehow assigned or grow into their roles and even if they're sick roles and they get used to being in them. The Black Sheep on the other hand, wants change.

When the Black Sheep wants change, the others who don't want change or who are afraid to change may be mightly compelling in their behavior to keep the status quo, even if the status quo is sick.

They may kick the Black Sheep out of the family or fire them at the office, BLAME THEM entirely for the problem, or be exceptionally critical and judgemental against them. By abandoning or isolating a family member, as in the case of shunning, that person's overall situation is weak. They will no longer have the benefits of being a member of the so called "building block" of society - the family!


If they love their family (or need their job), and many do despite everything, they may go back and agree to their old role, rather than not have any connection at all.

ARE YOU THE BLACK SHEEP OF YOUR FAMILY?



Sister

ABUSE BY PSYCHOLOGIST BECAUSE YOU ARE NEVER MARRIED?

Has anyone been abused - harshly officially diagnosed - over their disinterest or unwillingness to marry and/or have children? It has happened and the Scientologists are not the only ones who believe that psychology has gotten into an overly powerful place in which EVERYONE IS DIAGNOSABLE. Is psychology dictating our VALUES as a society or as individuals? Are they redefining what is normal? Hmmm...