The other day I was home in bed, not feeling well, and my mind turned to some of the horrors of relatives who do not approve of my lifestyle. A sick body can make your thinking sick and visa versa.
You can page through this blog and read about some of this, from surprise matchmaking to an aunt who PR's against me as someone who "doesn't even hold a baby."
I started handwriting it out. And I realized a simple reason why I don't have a close connection with most of my relatives.
THERE WERE TOO MANY OF THEM.
Both of my parents came from BIG FAMILIES. I never did understand the alliances they made (or not) with certain siblings, but it seemed birth order or age related. Basically, if your oldest brother is already married and has established a family in another state before you are born, you're not likely to be close. I'm unaware of any real rivalries or issues between them and their siblings. It's more like how it worked out.
When I was growing up, we tended to mostly visit wherever the grandparent had been taken in. The children who took in parents had to accept that maybe all their siblings would visit there to see the grandparent. As a result, I got to know these aunts and uncles best because visiting their home, we were likely to encounter other relatives.
I was impossible though to even visit with each and every family, not even once a year. The logistics were impossible and many of my aunts and uncles also had larger families (though not larger than the families they were from.) Some of them may have even used contraception to limit the number of children they had, none had as many as the family they were from.
After a while we became "weddings and funerals" kind of family.
So over time I got to know about four families, two on each side, somewhat.
In the end it seems no one is both alive and close.
THEN THERE ARE MY FRIENDS WHO COME FROM SMALL FAMILIES; two or three siblings max, maybe four aunts and uncles - and their spouses. They all seem to be so much more close - and functioning as families.
THIS THEN MAY BE AN ARGUEMENT FOR SMALL FAMILIES.
Of course small families can also be dysfunctional or cousins who substitute in for siblings can be a problem
One of my friends is an only child and since her father deserted them, her stepfather who her mom married when she was already near 12, is the only father she has known. She has a cousin who is also an only child, who married and had two children who were born disabled. As things stand, my friend's step father is now supporting this cousin and the two children, as he's the only family member who has enough income to do so. She wonders if there is going to be any money left for an inheritance that she would need to actually retire.
Then there is a friend, also an only child, who was used to two parents basically always considering her opinion. I wouldn't say she was spoiled but I'd say this was privilege. She married the favorite son of two hovering parents, and their marriage was full of Power Struggles and Conflict, as they both wanted their way and he wasn't even considering her opinion. Finally, he won and she let him, but her vitality has deflated. I don't think she's happy.
So is this the future for most only children? Is having siblings important to being socialized or considerate of others or capable of compromise?
8/9/17
WHEN ALONE IS LONELY - THE BROKEN TOOTH STORY
One of the notions of this blog is that ALONE isn't the same as LONELY.
I figure that few individuals are completely isolated and have no communications with other human beings. I figure that most people who don't marry and don't have children are still members of family. But what happens when everyone you used to know has died and you have no one to depend on in a crisis or to bury you?
This is one of the biggest fears anyone has. It's a fear I have. Even if it's a bit unreasonable right now.
I don't want my readers to think that I have no fear.
A few months ago I broke a tooth while eating almonds. That chunk that broke off I thought was an almond piece stuck between teeth until I removed it. Yikes! So began SAVING THE TOOTH, an expensive and ultimately hopeless ordeal because the tooth continued to break off little pieces. From the dentist's warning "I promised you that you will find yourself in a crisis with that tooth if you don't have it pulled", to the crisis (her refusal to give me antibiotics), I did nothing. I've never had a tooth pulled. I'm a coward. The options to replace the tooth are also expensive. I was warned I had to do some sort of replacement within a few months of having the tooth removed. When I asked the dentist who refused me antibiotics what would happen if she got the tooth out in her office numbed up a bit, a process she said would take about an hour, and found horrible infection underneath it, she referred me out to an oral surgeon. The oral surgeon said about the same thing. I said I wanted to be put under. My insurance doesn't pay for that. I said I would pay for it.
Meanwhile the tooth continued to break, leaving less and less above the gum line to be pulled.
The day I scheduled the event, I was told "You have to have someone to bring you here and take you home and stay with you."
I said, "Don't worry. I won't drive. I'll call a cab."
"No. We mean we will not put you under unless you have someone to stay with you." Now I imagined myself laying in the back of a car stuck on the freeway, all that auto exhaust building up in the back and making me sick while still a bit under the anesthesia, a totally nauseous thing to expect a friend to deal with.
"Can't I just hang out there for a couple hours in a chair after the procedure, and then take the cab home?
"No."
"Then let's not schedule."
So, I started to feel lonely. But not so lonely as to marry just anyone or have children to take care of me in my old age!
I have friends who cannot take off work easily to attend to me.
It seems ridiculous to me that I've been refused antibiotics while being warned about an underlying infection and pending crisis. I decided the tooth as is, a bit unsightly, is worth putting off treatment for.
I started seeing people with teeth broken to the gum line and left like that wherever I went.
I realized that the simple tooth pull is no longer a possibility. It will have to be dug out. It is now oral surgery for real.
Yes, I feel alone in this.
Sister
C 2017 All Rights Reserved Never Married No Kids Blogspot
I figure that few individuals are completely isolated and have no communications with other human beings. I figure that most people who don't marry and don't have children are still members of family. But what happens when everyone you used to know has died and you have no one to depend on in a crisis or to bury you?
This is one of the biggest fears anyone has. It's a fear I have. Even if it's a bit unreasonable right now.
I don't want my readers to think that I have no fear.
A few months ago I broke a tooth while eating almonds. That chunk that broke off I thought was an almond piece stuck between teeth until I removed it. Yikes! So began SAVING THE TOOTH, an expensive and ultimately hopeless ordeal because the tooth continued to break off little pieces. From the dentist's warning "I promised you that you will find yourself in a crisis with that tooth if you don't have it pulled", to the crisis (her refusal to give me antibiotics), I did nothing. I've never had a tooth pulled. I'm a coward. The options to replace the tooth are also expensive. I was warned I had to do some sort of replacement within a few months of having the tooth removed. When I asked the dentist who refused me antibiotics what would happen if she got the tooth out in her office numbed up a bit, a process she said would take about an hour, and found horrible infection underneath it, she referred me out to an oral surgeon. The oral surgeon said about the same thing. I said I wanted to be put under. My insurance doesn't pay for that. I said I would pay for it.
Meanwhile the tooth continued to break, leaving less and less above the gum line to be pulled.
The day I scheduled the event, I was told "You have to have someone to bring you here and take you home and stay with you."
I said, "Don't worry. I won't drive. I'll call a cab."
"No. We mean we will not put you under unless you have someone to stay with you." Now I imagined myself laying in the back of a car stuck on the freeway, all that auto exhaust building up in the back and making me sick while still a bit under the anesthesia, a totally nauseous thing to expect a friend to deal with.
"Can't I just hang out there for a couple hours in a chair after the procedure, and then take the cab home?
"No."
"Then let's not schedule."
So, I started to feel lonely. But not so lonely as to marry just anyone or have children to take care of me in my old age!
I have friends who cannot take off work easily to attend to me.
It seems ridiculous to me that I've been refused antibiotics while being warned about an underlying infection and pending crisis. I decided the tooth as is, a bit unsightly, is worth putting off treatment for.
I started seeing people with teeth broken to the gum line and left like that wherever I went.
I realized that the simple tooth pull is no longer a possibility. It will have to be dug out. It is now oral surgery for real.
Yes, I feel alone in this.
Sister
C 2017 All Rights Reserved Never Married No Kids Blogspot
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