Those of you who are new to NMNK - An Intentional Community may not realize it, but this blog serves to let me rant. In my daily life I rarely rant. Most new people I encounter have no idea that I am actually NMNK. But the other day I had an experience that reinforced to me the necessity of this blog, for me and those like me who are MNNK, even though the lifestyle has become so much more common and, therefore, in less need of defense.
I was quietly sitting at a bus stop, awaiting a bus that comes once an hour. I had errands that day in a part of town that I bus to, it was beautiful out, and though when I take this particular bus I'm always a little concerned because it's often off schedule, missing, broken down, or late, at that moment my only thought was how great it would be to get home and give my dog a good walk, since it wasn't too hot or too cold out.
Therefore, I doubt that this stranger sitting next to me would have looked at me and thought anything in particular by the mood expressed by my face or any attitude, since I was enjoying the day, but she looked at me and said, "You're not married?"
The only clue would have been that there are no rings on my ring finger, no engagement ring, no wedding band. (My birthstone is on the other hand.)
Now something else my readers here may not know about me is that I'm usually friendly and don't mind at all getting into conversations with strangers. I've talked to strangers about all sorts of things, so I'm not self absorbed or snooty about talking to someone I haven't been introduced to. At first I had no idea that this woman was going to go for the NMNK jugular, that she would deeply offend me, and that I'd end up writing a post about her as a 2016 representative of the ignorant and backward!
"No, never," I said, smiling.
"Why NOT? And then she mumbled something under her breath.
"Why?," I said. "Everyone doesn't have to be married."
"No children?"
(Ah, perhaps she was sniffing out unwed mothers?)
"No children."
At this point she shook her head disapprovingly no, and in a mocking tone said, "No husband, no children, WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU IN YOUR OLD AGE?" And then she laughed at me, in my face, ridiculing me.
I now knew what I was dealing with and so I looked at her.
She appeared to be in her forties. She appeared to be Asian or part Asian. Her accent was slight. She was wearing casual clothing just as I was, not dressed to be coming or going from a job. I did not look at her ring finger, but I figured her to be a stay at home wife and mother.
"Having children doesn't guarantee a person that someone will be taken care of or even visited in their old age. I visit two senior citizens in assisted living places who had children, who left town for work. They rarely visit. It's me who visits them! Besides, there are no guarantees in life. One of these old people has outlived his son!"
I thought of other seniors I've visited in senior living communities, who have since passed. One, the youngest son in a family was indeed NMNK, and his own siblings did the minimal to help him. I recall he didn't even have shoes to fit his feet and was stolen from at the place constantly, since he was legally blind. Another woman was widowed, had outlived her son and had a daughter who was mentally ill who never came to visit. Besides me her only visitor was her one grandson, who himself was having medical issues. I had become friendly with these seniors as neighbors and while never in place as a legal guardian sometimes reported in to their children. And I enjoyed these people! It wasn't like I was visiting just anybody because they were old. I enjoyed their stories of their own lives through historical times, like World War II or early Hollywood.
The stranger was not satisfied with my answers. And it was clear that she was not trying to be helpful. I wouldn't have liked it if she'd taken this approach in hopes of actually match making me, but at the same time, at least I wouldn't have felt myself to be the object of someone's anger.
"Try not to go on in this conversation," I thought to myself. "By admitting who you are, and what your life experience is, you're threatening her, maybe, so let it go," but I could not yet, because she continued to shake her head, mutter, eye me as a freak of nature, and feel sorry for me years ahead of my old age.
"Many children who are born to die. Their parents cannot afford to take care of them or even feed them. So they are born to suffer and die... This world has plenty of people without me having a child..."
Luckily the bus pulled up and ended the conversation.
C 2016 Sister / Never Married No Kids - An Intentional Community Blogspot
