1) People say to you "Isn't it about TIME you got married." (Getting married because you've reached a certain age, making whoever you're dating into Mr. or Ms. "Right" because it's "time" and "settling" is to me, a ticket to Divorce and Single Parenthood.)
2) You work overtime while your co-workers with children get to go home to take them here, there, and everywhere, like to soccer practice and the Drive-Through for dinner. (They assume you will "understand" and "won't mind" and so does your boss, but oh you do! Being used at work like this is worse than when it's your family!) Worse, some employers GIVE RAISES to those who have children, thinking "that man/single mother now has to support a family." Even though that person may be LESS PRODUCTIVE.
3) You are also tapped to be the BABYSITTER or CAREGIVER for exhausted or broke friends and relatives who assume that your life is not jam packed with activities that are worthwhile. They sometimes try to sell it as "bonding" or getting to know the child/children better. They may even put guilt upon you as an aunt or uncle of the child if you are not eager to accommodate them being fearful that it will become a habit with them to dump their children on you. These people often want free or discounted services. Don't they know that you can like or not like someone else's child, love or not love someone else's child, but that THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD CHILDREN COUNTING ON OTHERS TO DO THEIR WORK FOR THEM or SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD CHILDREN THEY CANNOT AFFORD as in afford professional childcare? Worse, some of them think that if you spend time with their children, YOU WILL WANT SOME OF YOUR OWN or that if you can't have children you want, that theirs will make that up to you!
4) Without your pre-knowledge or permission, you find yourself being "set up" for dates and meetings with people your friends or relatives think of as "marriageable" or "eligible" because they think the real reason you are unmarried is that you keep meeting people who have "fear of commitment" or who are just no good.
(I suffered the humiliation of going to a Thanksgiving dinner, only to find out it was a set up with a man looking for a wife. He was not for me and I heard my cousin actually tell him I had a "fear of commitment!" as if to apologize for me and my lack of interest.)
5) Some people think you have a"fear of commitment." Though you may be committed to your family, doing elder care or the care of disabled siblings, committed to your education or career, or committed to your volunteer work or some other activity, the lie they tell themselves is that you don't just fear commitment with someone all wrong for you but commitment in general. (One male friend of mine, the only son of two sick parents, put on hold dating and marriage for years, working full time and then coming home to care for them, until they died. Would you say he "lacked commitment?")
6) Your friends who married and have children dump you because they prefer to socialize with other married with children couples. At best they may invite you to a party or give you a call or send a card once in a while, but it's clear they don't relate to you any more. (More than once I've had the experience of being invited to showers and weddings, and the last I hear from someone is the thank-you note.) Basically they no longer value or work at being friends with you. Sometimes they will continue to be friends with you until their children become out of control teenagers; this they say you just don't "understand" because you "never gave birth."
7) Some people think you are "immature" that you have not married and had children. While becoming a duo with someone else probably is the best first step to having children and considered a Passage of Life, and maybe most people (still) do, maturity is not dependent on being a spouse or reproducing yourself. Just look at all those teenager parents! Some stay-at-home parents, in particular, are very immature. Being isolated, removed from the world, and depending on someone else to develop a career and go out and bring home the bacon so you can fry it up in a pan, is a great way to become isolated and STUCK! To mature you have to have a lot of life experiences, I think including supporting yourself for at least a while before you let someone else support you.
8) Your high school friend who has had four children now says "I had your share." (Guess what! I think anyone who can AFFORD more than two children, who really wants them, and can love them, respect them, and do right by them, can have more than two children! This is not yet China with a one child policy that includes forced abortions. I even think that there are some people who can do OK as single parents, like some of the actresses who have adopted and have a few million in the bank! Still, most people today cannot afford a lot of children. )
9) Some people who hear you have never married or had children think "there has to be something wrong with her/him." This has happened to me more than once but I did meet one older man who told me that not bringing along children to support could be a plus to some men who have already raised families or cannot afford to support more children. Some people don't get it that when you hear someone is thinking of trying to work full time and support a child on their own, or that when you hear someone had children and then deserted them, that there HAS TO BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM like they have really underestimated their own ability to cope!
10) You're suspected of being gay (and repressed) because you never talk about dating, having sex, or being involved with anyone. Why not? Besides being private, you're sick of some people always assuming that you're either terribly alone and lonely without a partner or that eventually you will "find someone" and hate it when they make TOO BIG A DEAL of someone you're probably not going to marry. Besides, how much about your private life should you even be talking about at work or with people who you are friendly with but who are not friends? You may not want to talk about dating, having sex, or being involved with someone because you just are not doing any of those things right now.
11) You're suspected of being a womanizer or player and maybe you are, but again, other people are looking for an excuse for why you are not married and childless that you are not looking for. How many womanizers or players have no children? I think few! For men, traditionally, being thought of this way is more of a plus than it is for women. It's been assumed that a sexually active man is at least ... normal.
12) When you travel or go on vacation, you find yourself paying a penalty for traveling alone. People who share rooms get discounts as if they don't use twice as much water or make twice as much a mess or as if there aren't two beds in the room already!
13) When you go shopping for groceries, because you are buying food for one, you never seem to get the prize for spending a few hundred dollars a month, whatever it is, "gas points" or whatever. Oddly the same stores are marketing "personal" sized pizzas, water melons, and other products. (You really have to be careful because the price for these food items may be higher than if you bought in bulk.)
14) Some people think that your beloved pet is your "child substitute." (I hate to say it, but if you baby talk to your dog like I do they will be really sure of this!)
15) Jealous married people don't get it that being self supporting does not necessary mean that you are "totally free" to "just go anywhere you want" as if having a spouse who doesn't want to or can't move is the only possible reason someone doesn't transfer all around for career or travel for work. (Some of them think that being NMNK means you will be more desirable to employers but just the opposite is true. Some employers like employees who live hand to mouth and have children to feed so they can enslave them and don't trust the more "independent" NMNK!)
16) You start telling people you are NEVER MARRIED NO KIDS. "I'm NMNK!" you declare and if you can't do so with pride, at least don't say it with shame. There are so many ways to be NMNK. As I say it can be personal choice (my case) or it can be fate, but whatever the reason, make the most of your life!
C 2014 NMNK - An Intentional Community/Sister All Rights Reserved including Internet and International Rights.
