Although sometimes being NMNK is portrayed as selfishness - or complete freedom - that fact is anyone human has connections to other humans and some sort of duty or obligation.
For instance, it is my observation that it is often the child who has no children or the child who is the only child or the oldest or the youngest who may have delayed or given up having a partner who takes on the care of aging parents. It's true that those with children, if they are responsible human beings, will do their best to raise those children to become honorable adults. Sometimes the siblings who have marriages and children are the ones who expect the NMNK to take on the parents.
This morning when I thought about writing on this subject - the jealousy I've experienced because I'm NMNK - I thought of a particular relative of mine who in a traditional way seems to have, if not all, a whole lot more than me.
Her parents paid for her college education, she became a teacher, and while teaching met a much older and wealthy man who was divorced. Not saying they didn't both work hard or were not deserving, but soon enough they bought property and started building a dream home. The husband was responsible to his ex wife and children by her, and proceeded to have three children with my relative. Their children were raised knowing their half-siblings and consider them family. She wanted land, a dream home, and children. In fact, she seemed to think that this was only natural. Her children are healthy, smart, and also have had the advantage of education. They all seem to be doing quite well. After they were well raised, she went back to college and earned an advanced degree. She lives on horse property and her much older husband is still alive. I'm sure many people envy her. She can sometimes come off as princessy or snobby. She once said, "I got everything I wanted."
Yet, one time when I admitted I was having a difficult time, she sent me a one liner in the mail.
It said, "YOU'RE SINGLE! YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE!" I felt the sting that was intended.
Did she not know that I did not have her advantages?
Actually I could not go anywhere, not even on vacation. I could not have afforded to up and move just anywhere, or even to the closest city. I did not have sponsorship or contacts. I was stuck financially. It's not true that being NMNK means you will have a career or earn enough money. However, I was determined to not marry if it meant being significantly compromised and the men when I was still interested in dating, were not for me - nor me for them.
In fact, I think - still think - that society is set up to force women into relationships with men for their own survival. Anything as exploitative as prostitution and being sex trafficked to staying married to an abuser to simply being not paid as well as men in the same employment and not able to make it on one's own. This is reflected in also being poor or poorer and not being able to retire.
Over time I've seen how people who want to get married and have children seem to think that at about age 26 one should take whatever or whomever they can get, just to partner and get started. I think this attitude is one of the reasons there is so much divorce. Really, if you cannot afford to raise children on your own, you might consider not having any because so many of you will end up being the sole support.
I know that more of you are being responsible about having children with partners because so very many people who want children but see the need to afford them reportedly delayed having children during the uncertainty of Covid. I know that no-one is perfect. I also know people can grow and change.
However, I can testify that every one of the men I had as platonic friends or dated briefly, who illustrated some serious flaw, including being horribly sexist, opportunistic or a user, or who had personality disorders or some form of mental illness that went unaddressed or untreated, every one of them has married someone. I don't know anything about these relationships. However, if these men did not change their thinking or their ways or get help, what of these women?
One time a woman friend told me it was better socially to be divorced than to be NMNK and I think that's sad.
The pressure to be married is strong.
But it takes a person who is strong to remain NMNK as the best choice as well.
